#TGIF: The mental juggle lately

 

One night I woke up from a bad dream. A nightmare, I would say. In that dream I was on my way to the airport with my sister Dyna when I realized I forgot to pack a lot of important items. Like a warm outerwear when it’s going to be late fall/early winter where I’m heading and I forgot to exchange money for expenses, and apparently, my Visa was also not approved yet. I woke up panicked, and thankful that I was still in my room, and not living a nightmare at the airport. 

The thing is, I am really travelling soon, and I am unready. That dream was a reminder that I should start packing and preparing, but also the reflection of my quiet anxieties of travelling. Apparently, not too quiet since it managed to creep into my dream. I hate to admit this, but despite me showing my brave side, I am very much afraid. This place is a place I’ve never been to, using a language I don’t speak, in a climate I am not used to. It’s not a baseless fear. But other people do this all the time, don’t they? 

I went to a friend’s wedding last weekend, it was probably one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to. That aside, being around familiar faces brought back memories from 2020, when the world was in the thick of COVID-19. These were the same people who had kept me sane during the pandemic. We bonded pre-quarantine, but became a hell lot closer while in quarantine — entirely virtually. We spent countless evenings and Friday nights video calling each other, playing games and chatting. We got to know each other’s secrets, pains and fears. They were the first people I’ve ever shared my traumas with. People who were just colleagues turned into friends. Actual good friends.

Post quarantine, we made trips together — Melaka, Penang, Terengganu. We somehow survived the ultimate friendship test: travelling together. No lives were lost nor harmed, thankfully. Now, five years later, though the frequency of face time has significantly reduced since we no longer work together, I still feel the same about this bunch. One friend once said — from the outside looking in — this bunch is my found family. And as cliche as it sounds, it truly feels like that.

This past few days I thought about feeling FOMO. I used to have chronic FOMO. I think about feeling insecure and wanting to make friends. Being a pathological people pleaser, I tend to say “yes” to anything. Even when I’m tired or not feeling it, I would agree. Because disagreeing makes me feel like a difficult person. But growing older makes me protect myself so much more. I still tend to please people, yes but I do that much less now. I am okay with saying “maybe next time” “not tonight, I'm tired" because all I want to do is go home.

I also don’t get offended anymore if I’m not invited. Some seats aren’t meant for you, and that’s okay. I have learned to know that when I am not invited or included, it’s often not personal. I used to feel unworthy or unlikeable when I was not invited. And that’s my own insecurities talking. Early 20s were tough, trying to form strong loving relationship with myself. I’ve battled many and insecurities, often invisible to others. It’s deep-rooted, and takes time to heal. But learning myself has been the most rewarding part of adulthood. 

I love socializing, I really do, but not all the time. I realized, I have started to choose which conversations I would want to engage with. I may love hanging out with you and talking to you, but there will be days I don’t feel like doing any of that. Most times it does not have anything to do with the person, but rather the substance of conversation itself. If it does not concern me, or if it will drain my energy, i would rather not get myself involved. I know I may end up protecting my peace too much, but at this age, that’s literally what i need. I appreciate people, experiences and conversations that add to me, not drain me.

What a tiring work week. I am grateful to be tired and drained from a job that pays my bills but am I close to retiring age yet?

#TGIF: etched between pages

You scribbled in my notebook once,
leaving a mark that forever etched itself
between the pages of my life.

Now I flip through other notebooks,
searching for any trace of existence, of remembrance—
knowing it will never happen again.
Not with you,
not with anyone who passes through.

Still, my muscles, bones, mind, and soul
keep wishing—quietly, stubbornly—
that one day,
I’ll find a familiar scribble again,

on a fresh page, a couple of years down.
But this time, it won’t burn—
it will feel like coming home.

- AZ

#TGIF: what happens when i'm happy?

Writer’s block can happen -- especially when there are deadlines to follow. I keep a strict schedule of posting every Friday, so I often need new ideas fast. But sometimes, the words just don’t flow.

At this point, I’d like to consider myself a writer -- self-proclaimed, yes. Writing has become part of my DNA. I love putting my feelings into words; it helps me regulate my emotions and discover myself along the way. Though most of what I write are personal reflections, I do hope people find comfort in them, that they see parts of themselves through my thoughts. Honestly, I can’t imagine not writing.

I once read that to be a good writer, you must read widely and deeply. I take that as my lifelong homework. To always read, relate, and learn. Writing isn’t as effortless as people might think. It’s rarely just a brain dump. It’s often planned, outlined, and intentionally crafted -- though nine times out of ten, it’s also emotionally woven.

Lately, though, I’ve felt stuck. Uninspired, even. I can write, but the words don’t feel as deep. They skim the surface -- safe, shallow, unrooted. I’ve gone back and forth, starting drafts I never finish because none of them feel right, or good enough, or at least appropriate to share.

It upsets me sometimes. Is this why writers keep ten drafts ready, just to pull one out when inspiration runs dry?

I’ve realized I write best when I’m most vulnerable -- when I’m in the thick of sadness, grief, or immense joy. But I’m not always in those extremes. So what happens when I’m somewhere in between?

#TGIF: What truly matters

This is probably one of the hardest weeks for me when it comes to writing. I couldn’t bring myself to write about anything else this week. Not when the world is showing me what truly matters. Let me walk you through my thought process this week;

1. It’s 10.10 week, so naturally, the campaigns and sales were all I think about. I was locked in.
2. In my content plan, this week’s #TGIF post was supposed to be about Umrah again. But then I thought — it’s too soon after the last one. I need to space it out a little.
3. Then I considered writing about books, but I just did that last week too.
4. Above all, there’s a bigger issue that deserves real estate in this space — something that has been taking up a lot of my attention lately: the Sumud Flotilla mission, and more broadly, Gaza. Why would I even bother writing about anything else — things that, in comparison, feel so small — when I feel this responsibility (self-imposed, but still) to keep talking about it?

As someone who is very emotional and in tune with my feelings, last Thursday was a rough day. When the news broke about the fleets being intercepted, I was in a full-day training but found myself tearing up randomly throughout. I wasn’t sad, necessarily because I knew they expected this. There have been several Freedom Flotilla attempts since 2010, none of which have succeeded — they knew what they were going into.

I cried out of pride. I was deeply moved by their bravery. Can you imagine being there? It’s a kind of sacrifice most of us will never be capable of. But they volunteered to be on that boat, fully aware of the risks, all to make the world talk again — to make noise.

It shouldn’t take another Freedom Flotilla to remind us to keep talking, to keep demanding an end to the occupation, but here we are. The boats may not enter Gaza, but the mission succeeded in its own way. Everyone started sharing, posting, demonstrating, demanding, reposting, not just here in Malaysia but everywhere in the world. It's heartwarming to see how united we are, globally, all in the name of peace.

Yesterday, a ceasefire agreement was announce. From the track record, it may not be long, they may violate that agreement, again. But for now we will let Palestinians celebrate and pray it will be permanent. They deserve a peaceful, safe life like us, too. Let's keep boycotting to our best effort, keep demanding, keep praying. It's only over when Palestinians tell us it's over.

#TGIF: Everything I've read this year so far

With books, I have found new love beyond romance genre. Since last year, I have started to explore genres like contemporary fiction and historical fiction. It was partly because I was heavily influenced by BookTok recommendations, but mainly also because I do want to branch out to romance fiction. I got tired of the same storyline every time. I wanted more, I wanted my reading experience to be more diverse.

This year though, I started to indulge myself in some biography, started with I'm Glad My Mom Died and I thought, okay this is actually interesting. To have a view into someone else's life and this person is a real human being, not some fictional character. It helps that I actually know Jennette McCurdy from the many hours spent watching iCarly and Sam & Cat growing up. 

Then, because I was preparing for Umrah, I explored Islamic books. I wanted to feed my mind and consume content that I can benefit from. Books that will actually help me and give me a bit more insights for the journey I was about to embark. I was so glad I read Biografi Muhammad bin Abdullah before landing in Madinah because I was able to experience Madinah from a different lens, having a better appreciation after knowing the importance of each historical landmarks. Since, I found Islamic books real interesting that I read a couple more after that. I've also started to buy more too (they are so much cheaper, too!).

I still read romance though, more so to take me out of a slump as romance fiction is easier and faster to get through as apposed to any other genres. So here's the list of books I've read so far, in order from January till now:

1. Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors
2. More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop by Satoshi Yagisawa
3. And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini
4. I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman
5. Same Time Next Year by Tessa Bailey
6. Chase Me (Broke and Beautiful series) by Tessa Bailey
7. Need Me (Broke and Beautiful series) by Tessa Bailey
8. Make Me (Broke and Beautiful series) by Tessa Bailey
9. The Housemaid's Secrets by Frieda McFadden
10. Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez
11. Hopeless by Elsie Silver
12. The Wedding People by Alison Espach
13. I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
14. Biografi Muhammad bin Abdullah by Zulkifli Mohd Yusoff & Noor Naemah Abd Rahman
15. Tuhan, Seindah Apa di Hujung Sana? by Hafizul Faiz
16. The Beauty of Promised Rizq by Ayesha Syahira
17. Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez
18. Befriending The Quran by Ayesha Syahira
19. The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah

I have a goal of 35 books, I don't think it's a lot at all, but now that we're in October and I still have about 15 books I have to read to hit, I am not so sure I can do it. I took quite a long break during Ramadan and Raya, I usually don't read during Ramadan anyways but even during Raya month, I was not in the mood. That pushed me back by 2 months. 

We'll see how many will I end up reading by December, for now I will just enjoy reading without putting too much pressure to hit the 35 books reading goal. What have you been reading?

#TGIF: When the invite came

As I have previously promised, there will be more Umrah contents coming up. Today is one of it. Honestly speaking, I don't have any coherent thought on this topic just yet. All of my experiences, feelings and reflections are all jumbled up in my head. I keep on asking myself, did that really happen? Have I really gone for Umrah, for real?

It's well over a month since coming back now, and I have not gone a day without thinking about the sacred places -- Madinah and Mekah -- wishing to go back soonest I can.

I get it now why people who have been there, would not be able to move on from it. I don't think there is a way to truly capture what it's like to be there. Words fail, there's only purely feelings. Even then, most times you can't accurately describe a feeling. Now, every time I see someone wishing to go for Umrah, I would say 'amiin' to it, hoping Allah would invite them too. I like every Umrah content I see, get teary eyed and cry watching them as both my eyes and my heart now recognises the place.

I have wished for Umrah since I was maybe 16 years old. I was young, but I have the heaviest wish to perform Umrah. I obviously had absolutely no funds to go, and my parents have just enough for them both. Alhamdulillah, at least my parents went. I kept the dream since, sometimes the longing gets so intense, at times I forgot about it. I am not always on track with my faith, as my iman goes up and down too. There were also time I neglected that dream because I know ladies can't go alone without mahram. I am not married, and my dad already went. It would take a lot more money to have my dad go with me too. So it never became fruition, this long dream of mine.

Until a few years back Saudi government allow ladies to go without mahram. Then I thought, this is the perfect chance! I just started working at the time, I just need to save money. And now going without mahram would not be an issue anymore. I met a friend who went alone (but he's a guy) and he told me, 'Pergi sendiri je Tya, tak payah tunggu siapa-siapa." But still, it stayed just a dream, a whispered prayer, a silent plea for me to be able to go. It got even louder after two of my best friends Mimi and Sarah, went for Umrah themselves. I yearned for it.

Fast forward to last year, when I looked around and reassessed my life (and I've mentioned a bit too many times how 27 was a turning point in my life in numerous ways), I thought to myself - What kind of life do I actually want to live? Who do I want to be and what kind of value do I want to offer? I have everything I want in my life, but what have I done with it? It was then, that the intense desire to go for Umrah came rushing back. I told my sister that I wanted to go, for real. It's not just a wish anymore, I need to take real actions. Survey packages, book a spot, start paying, all the things.

That was what we finally did. We started looking through a few travel agencies, asking for rates, checking our calendars - which month and date would be the best to go. We ended up choosing summer, musim panas and non-school holidays and paid booking fees in December 2024. It was cheaper and we have at least 7 months to save up and prepare. It took months, it wasn't easy, truly. We were tested - our Umrah date got moved, twice! From July to August. And we needed to add more money for the package fees. But all I could think of is 'if I am meant to be there, I will be there, come what may'. So I kept my faith strong and my hopes high. I was so scared of telling anyone, because what if it didn't happen? What if the plan fell through? What if I won't have enough funds to fully pay the package? What if Allah still would not invite me yet?

I know, I know - I was thinking negatively about Allah when He can make anything possible. Making du'a after putting effort was all I have left.

Month after month, the anticipation looming over both me and my sister. We were both excited, nervous, pinching ourselves, sharing TikTok videos on the daily on what to prepare and places to visits. The excitement was unbearable. We received a bunch of well wishes from family and close friends, them making du'a for us to have a smooth journey, and for us to have Umrah mabrur. It was a special time, truly. A lot of learning, improving, reflecting, preparing. Alhamdulillah. Writing this down is truly a way for me to preserve this memory forever.

I would not be able to write my whole Umrah experience in this entry, as it would be too long to do so. But I do want to emphasize on what I've learnt through the process of going and preparing - which is to set the right intention, put your best effort, pray really hard and tell Him you really want to go, trust me - He will see you through it. I had days where I wonder how am I going to afford paying the full amount. But Alhamdulillah I managed, but none of it would be possible without His help.

I pray everyone who reads this that has intention or wish to go, will one day get to experience Umrah with your loved ones too. Amin.

#TGIF: My life in lists

Who else here chronically plan their life to the T? I do. I am the girl with the list, with plans and goals. I don't think I will be able to live fully and intentionally without it. I've been that girl as far back as I can remember and I think it gets more chronic now. It's both a positive and negative trait to have.

In school I had a list of homework and things to do, which is normal. In Uni I had study plans that's detailed. Especially nearing final exams, I even plan my hours for what I was going to study, down to the chapters I am covering. Until now I still prepare packing list for every single staycations/holidays/sleepovers and my sisters would be referencing my list to pack theirs. I don't know when or how it started, but I have always loved structure. 

I have yearly list, monthly list and 30 under 30 list -- which I will probably cover next time. Having goals and things to work towards has always put me in some sense of purpose, like I have something I am walking towards and better if it's something I can control. Like getting a degree or losing weight or writing every Friday until the end of 2025. It's attainable, measurable with success metrics clearly determined.

So naturally, every new year I have a list of goals I want to achieve. Though some might think it's so cliché having new year resolutions that one usually never achieve, I love having them. It puts me into focus mode. My year should have purpose, and it should be renewed yearly so you have things to look forward to. Right? 

Even beyond that, I love having monthly goals too. Separate from the yearly goals which usually includes the big things, monthly goals on the other hand are something simple like "make a dentist appointment". I would list down 5 things I want to do each month, usually things I've been putting off for so long. Like how I've put off registering for Hajj until this year, May. That's when I finally did it after delaying for years. Yeah, I know. And that made me so happy to finally tick it off. 

So this is me checking in with you - How's your 2025 resolution looks like and how is it progressing now that we are in September? Have you tick off most of them, or all of them, or none at all? You still have plenty of time to start evaluating them, and making effort to tick them off. It's not just about taking things off a list, it's about making things happen and holding yourself accountable. Live with purpose and walk towards the direction that one day you can look back and know you've lived meaningfully.

p/s: Yes, we live in accordance to Allah's plans. I am not saying you should control your life that you have no room for Allah's plans. No, you should plan, put effort and let Allah do the rest.

#TGIF: Notes from Madinah #1

11 August 2025, Day 2

I am in Madinah. In Masjid Nabawi specifically. In all the places I thought is magical and majestic, this place tops all of it. I could not express how beautiful it is here and how grateful I am to be chosen to be here, experiencing this.

I had moments, too many of them that I could count, where I was at the verge of tears. I could not believe my eyes. I still don't. I wish there is a corner where I can wail, cos I am incapable of crying demurely. So I stopped myself from crying at all.

It's hot here. But nothing that I can't handle. Considering it's already amazing that I am here in the first place. There are so many people here, from all walks of life. But they all look the same, I could not tell where they come from but I could immediately recognize Malaysians and Indonesians. No one seemed to mind the heat though. I can tolerate heat better than cold anyways, inshaAllah.

I will be visiting Raudhah tonight. Finally being in such close proximity with The Beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW. I am so excited and nervous. I can't wait to spend hours in the Masjid too.

-----

p/s: This is a journal entry from when I was in Madinah. I made sure to bring a travel journal with me for Umrah to write what I feel immediately. Most of the sentences may be non-cohesive, you know it was a candid, brain dump-type of writing.

#TGIF: 20-week streak

This is my 20th post in a row. I have been posting for 20 weeks now, every Friday, without fail. We've been on dates 20 times. Can you believe it? Do you think you've learned something about me? I have to say, I am actually really delighted that I am able to keep this going for this long, and now that we are here, there's no way for me to stop. I have to get to the finishing line, write until the very last Friday of 2025. I might even go beyond that, who knows?

From the past 20 weeks, I learned that I can make time for something I love. It's not always about having time, it's about carving out time and prioritizing. Writing has always been my escape and having something to look forward to each week feels great. I know some of you do come by every Friday, I notice. Usually I don't check the stats or views until the next Monday, and I am happy to know some people would tune in voluntarily, I can even see spikes on Fridays weekly. For that I am very grateful. Writing means a lot to me and it's just how I express love -- through words of affirmations. If you are on the receiving end of it, be it long birthday wishes or letters from me, just know that means you are among the people I treasure most. 

I don't know what will I write in the coming Fridays, but I hope it would always be something beneficial or able to resonate with many. I don't write out of vanity, I write to connect, to relate, to express. Many of the things I shared are up close and personal, I was so scared to post because they reveal so much. But then again, that's who I am. I won't be able to be true to myself if I fail to write honestly. Summing up, this is the single best thing I've ever started and I hope this will grow into something meaningful and purposeful, not just for me but also for those who have been kind enough to stick around.

#TGIF: Love is always right on time

Taylor Swift just gave me a new sense of hope that love is possible. Okay here me out, I am actually nervous to write this entry. I thought I might write about this someday, but never this soon. I thought I would one day speak up about my experience with love and how frustrating it was on my part but it’s too vulnerable to let the whole world know. Writing about it means I am admitting it, which is really, really scary. And slightly embarrassing too. It’s something I’ve only admitted to a few I really trusted because a huge part of me wants to appear unaffected.

But what just announced in the pop culture world (ahem Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce’s engagement), inspired something in me. I thought I could share my unfiltered, unsolicited thoughts on it. I love seeing them together but I think the one lesson we could all learn from this is how important it is to never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Have deep, unrelenting trust that your person (truly and wholly your person) is out there for you. It might take a long time for you to finally meet that person, for the stars to finally align for you, but with due time, you’ll have that love you have been dreaming of. And for Taylor, the love she has been writing about for over 20 years. Because of that, my heart is happy for her.

Taylor and Travis are both 33 when they met each other, and then got engaged at 35. Even when they first started dating each other, I said to a close friend of mine “If Taylor only finds her person at 33, I have plenty of time to meet mine.” I have never felt more…at ease. Knowing that I am not late, in fact, I am right on time. It does not matter how long it will take if in the end the person for me is the one that will make the most sense. Everyone in my life will cheer and say “Tya, he is so perfect for you” and at that time I will not care of all the years I’ve waited, patiently praying for a man so great. It will all be worth it. 

Even if you’re not Taylor’s fan, you would agree that this man, matches her so perfectly. In every sense of the word. You can’t help but to root for them. I grew up listening to Taylor Swift’s albums. I know every heartbreak, every broken roads and wrong person. They are the literal example and living proof that there is a person that matches your energy, drive, wavelength, and someone that could supports your dreams and goals without compromising their own dreams and goals. Beyond that, you can see that they are already whole as individuals but together? They are better. You should be the added value to the other person's life, not the one filling in cracks and gaps. 

Remember, you will never be too much for the right person. He loves her so loudly and proudly. Dead set on pursuing her the moment he laid eyes on her and public can see that. It is so heartwarming to witness from afar. Travis always say that Taylor made him so much better as a person, and that's the kind of love you want, the one that makes you want to be better. On the flip side, that's the kind of love you deserve too, when someone tries to better themselves because you are worth putting effort for, and not giving the "you are too good for me" crap. 

I have stopped giving energy to people who made me feel less than or unworthy. It’s the most freeing and liberating feeling once I've put myself first in any given situation and quick to assess if I want to invest my energy in the relationship or not even if that means I end up protecting my peace a bit too tightly. But in the deepest part of my heart, I pray one day I get to experience the best kind of love too. Hate to admit, but all my life I have always been the second, the next best choice because the first choice is no longer available, the plan B, the safety net, the ‘incase this does not work, I still have you’ person. For once, let me be the only.

May the right kind of love find its way to me and you, however long it takes. In the meantime, live fully and love widely, fiercely. Let's not feel bad about wanting a very specific kind of love, be selfish with who you invest your time and attention to and be unapologetic about setting a standard that works for you. Life is too short to live in agony, and too long to spend it with the wrong person.

"I’m gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well."

White Horse, Taylor Swift

#TGIF: It will all work out

As how it has always been, I tend to write about what recently just happened in my life, so naturally, I will be talking about my recent Umrah trip in this entry. I won't be saying much though because there are a lot to say, but I do want to share a lesson I have learnt through all these processes; is first and foremost, to trust in Allah's plans. 

I can't tell you how long have I been dreaming to step foot in Masjidil Haram. To see the Kaabah with my own two eyes, to pray in there, to just...stare at the Kaabah. I have wanted to go since I was 16-17 years old, when I just started my hijrah journey (and I am still on that journey, will always be). After a while, I didn't think I would be given the rezeki to go if I'm being honest but that's the part where I was wrong. I was wrong to think so negatively instead of continue to pray and hope and work towards it. 

To think about it, I believe Allah called me to His house at the perfect time, when I am most definitely needed it, and when I could appreciate every moment I spend there. I traced back to the doa I sent to some friends that went for Umrah before I did from years ago up until recently, and how I would always include this same doa over and over again, which was for Allah to invite me too. Alhamdulillah, He answered.

List of prayers I sent to a classmate in 2014.

September 2023

December 2024

It was in December last year that my sister and I thought, let's plan this seriously. We booked our spot in December last year, to finally go 9 months after. It was lengthy, but the only way we could work it out. That's when I thought, wishing and praying is only one part of it, but taking actual and real steps towards going is completely another. And you need both. Allah memampukan orang yang dijemputNya. But you need to put real effort, while praying Allah ease them all for you.

Alhamdulillah, I am back in Malaysia now, having tons to reflect, and a lot more to be grateful for. Will share more stories and reflections in coming entries. Until then ;)