Thursday, February 8, 2018


What do you remember about falling in love for the first time?

Ok honestly I don't remember when did I first fall in love because I started having a crush on someone since standard 4? lol I know... but we only got 'close' with each other two years later. And I realized that my relationships gotten more and more serious after that. So, when and with who that I really "fall" in love with for the first time, I'm really not sure because I was so young and foolish to call it love so I guess it started with just a crush on that person. Huge one, LOL.

 I had a few relationships yang I feel really invested in and each one gave me different things to remember and lessons to take from. This is really embarrassing to share but I will do it anyway because like I said, I'm an open book here, and this place is VERY close to my heart. If you know me for a long time, you'd probably know who are these people (of course no name will be mentioned).

The first one is my first crush EVER. Note that I was in girls school for one whole year and I only have sisters. I never thought I was able to like a guy that much, I really liked him, guys. For quite a long time pulak tu! He was my close guy friend in primary school and I was the person he turned to when he likes a girl, so he wants to share it with me. Awal awal layan je la when he say he likes this girl yada yada (note that we were in primary, i know i know) but thennnn, I realized, I like him. After that his stories started to annoy me and I just wanted it to stop. When it didn't work out for him and whoever the girl was; I was happy. Fast forward two years later, the feelings were mutual. Something got in the way, he got into boarding school, we were back to being just friends. 

The second one is the first guy I cried for. Up until now I only cry for two guys, and I can literally count with one hand how many times I did. I hardly cry, ever. So it was really something that shocked me too when I cried for him. With him I learn that exes can be friends. Good friends. He is now one of my good guy friends. I know not many agree with being friends with exes but honestly, I have good relationships with ALL of my exes. I don't have bad blood with any of them. 

The third one was the first to pass a year. Funny is that, we were neighbours and our fathers are really good friends, even until now. It was awkward but also a good thing that our parents knew that we were together. With him I learn to love all of him. I love his family, I know all of them, I was close to his little sister. With him, I learn to love his strengths and weaknesses. To accept someone as a whole, and not only the good part. He saw me at my best and at my worst. He was with me through sickness and health. I was with him when I first wear hijab and he was very happy for it, it made me feel whole. He was also there when I was hospitalized and had surgery. It was really another perspective in love, and I am still very much grateful I met him.

The last, my longest relationship. I realize love can happen when you least expected, and relationship is so much more than just love between two people. With him, I shared the most. I felt like I know most of him, what he loves and what he hates and I told him mine. He was good to my sisters and always ingat Mama when he travels. He would buy souvenirs for me and Mama. I knew and loved his friends, he also appreciate my friends and treated them like his own. His group of friends and mine became good friends when we started dating. I learn to fight for love, to do what it takes to keep us together. I was completely serious about us though. After him, I told myself to never settle for less. I couldn't think of any other guy that I would fall for next, because for three whole years, it was just him. 

I know some might think that four exes are a lot, but I regret none. I may have made mistakes in my life but these are the learning process for me to make better of myself and not everyone is able to experience this. All of them now are in my circle of friends, like I said they are good friends of mine and I am thankful that none of them had any issues with me. We accept that things don't always work out the way we wanted to, so we move on ✨

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