'19

This year, I will be 21 and I hope for nothing else, but to be a responsible adult, for my own good. I want to be an independent woman and not to depend on others as much. I want myself to grow more mature mentally. By appearance, I already look older than my age 😅 To love myself more and appreciate the people around me.

A paragraph I wrote a year ago became a curse to me all year long. 'I want to grow mature mentally' little did I know 2018 will be the year that my mental strength is extremely tested. In my last entry, I have done a recap on how this year has been for me. Alhamdulillah I survived until the very last day of 2018 despite the challenges.

To be honest guys, I did not do great for this year. I did not achieve most of my resolutions. Probably all, who am I kidding? I am not proud of it but I did struggle my way through it. One thing for sure, I do think that I did pretty good on being responsible and I am a lot more mature mentally. As for the rest of the resolutions;

- I did start cooking. I live away from parents for awhile so I had to cook meals myself but simple dishes though. You didn't expect me to cook Beriyani, did you? 😆 I helped Mum cook a heck lot because of her health condition so I pick up a lot of skills/knowledge from that as well.

- No sign of driving license yet. I know...

- I did pretty good in taking care of myself. I would give myself credit on that because I am a lazy person when it comes to skincare. But this year I took care of my skin and majority of the time my skin behaved so well. Except for that time of the month or when I am really stressed out. One or two pimples would show up. For body, I love how it is now. I have nothing to complain but mental health... not so much. I will do better next year.

- This one is the biggest disappointment LOL. I only managed to watch like.....10 lectures? I have no reason for that because I don't want to give lame excuses for why I can't do it. Excuses are for losers. I own up to my laziness. Forgive me God.

- I started reading again! However I only finished one book. The rest are still ongoing. There are like 4 ongoing books huhu it is so hard to find time!

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After that I go through this year, I am nervous and scared of how 2019 will turn out to be. But deep inside, a part of me is screaming with excitement. I pray that however next year will be, I hope I am strong to face everything. With final semester and internship coming, I know that I will for sure be under a lot of pressure. I just need to be mentally ready and prepared for that.

Since what I said for this year came true and became a 'curse', therefore I hope 2019 brings happiness, success, and love. A lot lot of love. For myself, family and friends. Eternal, unconditional, greatest, purest of love. I also pray for Him to bless me with His love and blessings always. To protect me and the people I care for from harm and danger, from sickness and sadness.

I am very grateful for what 2018 has taught me. The experiences and the lessons. The new people in my life and the ones who left. I appreciate all of it.

Happy New Year, guys. Have a great one 🎉💛

2018 Wrap up

I will begin by saying that 2018 has been the toughest year I have ever gone through my entire life.

That is a big, and such a strong thing to say, but lord, I can't even describe how this year has challenged my mental to its maximum capacity (yet). I feel like each month in 2018 had been brutal to me. 

January was the most okay month where I only gone through a mental breakdown for a paper for finals. It was Parasitology paper. I remember I didn't get a minute of sleep because I was scared I couldn't do it. I might even fail the paper (which I didn't alhamdulillah). I was freaking out the night before the paper, I was crying, I need my mother at that time but I was in Shah Alam. I couldn't answer the paper though, as expected but I guess my carry mark helped a lot.

In February my best friend lost her beloved father. The first loss for us. A very kind Uncle that I've known for years. I wrote about this in an entry. I felt helpless and obviously sad for her. We checked on her every other day after that to make sure she's okay. I have always knew that she is strong but after what happened, I realized that she is more than just strong. She's incredible. I can't imagine being in her place, juggling between being the eldest to her siblings, the daughter that her mother solely rely on to and being a student. 

We moved in March. I bid Kajang goodbye. The hardest decision yet. The most bitter goodbye. This is probably the trigger to all my emotional breakdowns after that. I felt lost ever since we moved. I felt alone, distant. The feeling sucks. I can't see my friends as often as I did when I was still in Kajang. I can't always say yes to invitations, to mcd or mamak sessions because I'm not there anymore. To some that might not be an issue, but to me, it is. We are really close to each other. We see each other a lot. Amy and Mama was not really affected by the move though. Mama can blend in and cope to change so well. But for the rest of us... It was a big change. Subang is a completely different place to me. New people, new home, new environment. It was weird, it was awkward. Kajang will always be home to me, for all of us.

Talking about leaving, I was also sad about leaving Kristal View, my rental house in Shah Alam that I shared with 9 others. For someone who easily get attached to people, leaving KV was quite hard too. I love my housemates and I love the happiness I feel whenever I was there. I was blessed with kind souls, funny, caring, bright and lovely people. But I also knew that leaving was the right thing to do at that moment. I moved nearer to UiTM so there was no reason for me to spend money on something that is unnecessary. Plus my parents need me more at home.

This year is also the year where my parents' health deteriorate so much. Dad's thyroid level was so high that he almost had to drink radiation water. But thank goodness it went down after a few months. Mum had carpel tunnel syndrome that made her hand movement become so restricted. She had it since last year but it gotten worse to the point that she can't do things like cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning. So it had to be us. Early this month she got a surgery done on her right hand and it took around two weeks for recovery. That was the hardest part where for most things, I had to do. I would be okay with it if I was on semester break or any break but it was week 14, Amy was busy, Kakak was on confinement still. It was horrendous. Will get back to this later.

Just when I thought 2018 would not be so bad, I then lost two Uncles in a span of a month. I wrote about this in an entry and up until now, I still can't wrap it around my head. I was heartbroken. I kept asking How? Why? I'm sure some of you may have experienced a time in life where unfortunate things happened one after another. That was exactly how I felt (still feel like that for 2018). I lost a lot of people this year, I let go a lot of people. I left a relationship that was not 'direstui'. A year of talking and being friends had to be put to an end just because a lot of people a care for did not like us being together. I felt bad but it felt right to listen to people around me. Maybe they saw things I didn't.

Final year is stressful, obviously. I have only tasted half of it and I am already feeling the heat. Next semester I predict that it will be a glimpse of hell. I will be in the worst mood everyday, looking like a walking zombie and avoiding people all the time. I can be sure on that.

I can write forever on why 2018 sucks for me but I also want to stress on the good part of 2018. It is mainly Imaan Medina. I was over the moon when I got to know my sister was pregnant. We waited 3 years for this moment. The day she was born was probably the happiest day in 2018 for me. I love her, with all my heart. She is perfect.

Imaan Medina captured by sharpshooter_photographer (on instagram)
Go check her out guys she's awesome!

Imaan, you have all of my love. Thank you for making 2018 better with your existence.

Updates

Salam everyone!

I feel really happy for the fact that I am able to write again. I don't know why do I miss blogging so much even though my last entry was not even that long ago... I pernah tak post for even longer than this. But I guess it's only because I have a lot to say.. BUT I will save that for another entry where I will be recapping 2018. 

Can you believe that we are at the end of the year already? Yet again? Damn.... Scary how time flies. Anyway, I am finally done with classes this semester. My week 14 ended today! Relieved.... so much relief. Right now, it feels kinda weird not having to do anything (assignments, FYP etc) even though I still need to study for finals 😛

Next entry will go up soon InshaAllah. Unlike previous years where I do recap when we step into January, this year I will be posting it early, probably next week as I have nothing to do and also because I already have words in my mind; I gotta write them down fast.