It's really easy to think that life is unfair, especially if you believe you have done everything right, but things are still not happening for you. Why them, why not me? I have done everything right. When is my turn?
I've had my fair share of feeling like life was not on my side. I thought, I have ticked all the boxes, but why is it still not happening? It can be crushing, thinking, Am I being punished? Or is something wrong with me?
You can find many lectures and videos, and they would all tell you the same thing: Time will tell. Eventually your time will come. Stop worrying so much. God will give in His perfect timing.
Truthfully, as much as I do believe in Allah's timing, I won't lie that I struggle to fully accept it. I keep trying to repeat, "I plan, but Allah is the best of planners. I have dreams, but Allah knows best," hoping it will eventually carve itself into my mind. This is one of those things where it is much easier said than done.
So what helps?
As difficult as it is, we can't call ourselves believers without believing in His divine plans. What helped me was to look back at things that didn't go my way, and remind myself that yes, eventually it made sense why they were delayed. I finally see the wisdom behind every delay, every reroute, every rejection. It was proven once, and it will happen again. And again. And again.
Recently, it happened to me. I had this one dream, something I had been wanting to do for a long time. I prayed for it during rounds of tawaf, in my tahajjud, had it on my Ramadan du'a list. I put in the effort, I went through with what was necessary, I tried, and I left it to Him. Turned out, I was rejected.
I was bummed, to say the least. It made me feel incapable for a while. Voices in my head said things like, "How dare you even try? You really think you have what it takes?" Then another voice of reason came in to pacify me, telling me I should not give up. Maybe the time wasn't right. It would have been too soon, and would have caused too much change.
The thing is, it was easy to give up. I could have dropped it right there and never tried again. But it's something I had been wanting to do for a long time. There is a saying: "If it's your calling, it will keep on calling" and I held on to that. A few months later, I braved myself to try again. I went through the same process, with a much bigger case of impostor syndrome this time, because I knew I could get rejected again. And if I was rejected, would I go for a third time? What if I'm not meant to do this at all, what happens then?
I reminded myself of one more thing: if Allah moves your heart to pray for something, it means He wants to grant it to you. So I believed. I believed He would open ways for me. I believed He would grant me this dream, and everything else I have ever wanted, at the perfect time. I believed He would not disappoint me. Not once, not ever.
He heard me and I was accepted.
Sometimes that's all it takes. And a little bit of delusion.
No comments:
Post a Comment