Saturday, December 29, 2018

2018 Wrap up

I will begin by saying that 2018 has been the toughest year I have ever gone through my entire life.

That is a big, and such a strong thing to say, but lord, I can't even describe how this year has challenged my mental to its maximum capacity (yet). I feel like each month in 2018 had been brutal to me. 

January was the most okay month where I only gone through a mental breakdown for a paper for finals. It was Parasitology paper. I remember I didn't get a minute of sleep because I was scared I couldn't do it. I might even fail the paper (which I didn't alhamdulillah). I was freaking out the night before the paper, I was crying, I need my mother at that time but I was in Shah Alam. I couldn't answer the paper though, as expected but I guess my carry mark helped a lot.

In February my best friend lost her beloved father. The first loss for us. A very kind Uncle that I've known for years. I wrote about this in an entry. I felt helpless and obviously sad for her. We checked on her every other day after that to make sure she's okay. I have always knew that she is strong but after what happened, I realized that she is more than just strong. She's incredible. I can't imagine being in her place, juggling between being the eldest to her siblings, the daughter that her mother solely rely on to and being a student. 

We moved in March. I bid Kajang goodbye. The hardest decision yet. The most bitter goodbye. This is probably the trigger to all my emotional breakdowns after that. I felt lost ever since we moved. I felt alone, distant. The feeling sucks. I can't see my friends as often as I did when I was still in Kajang. I can't always say yes to invitations, to mcd or mamak sessions because I'm not there anymore. To some that might not be an issue, but to me, it is. We are really close to each other. We see each other a lot. Amy and Mama was not really affected by the move though. Mama can blend in and cope to change so well. But for the rest of us... It was a big change. Subang is a completely different place to me. New people, new home, new environment. It was weird, it was awkward. Kajang will always be home to me, for all of us.

Talking about leaving, I was also sad about leaving Kristal View, my rental house in Shah Alam that I shared with 9 others. For someone who easily get attached to people, leaving KV was quite hard too. I love my housemates and I love the happiness I feel whenever I was there. I was blessed with kind souls, funny, caring, bright and lovely people. But I also knew that leaving was the right thing to do at that moment. I moved nearer to UiTM so there was no reason for me to spend money on something that is unnecessary. Plus my parents need me more at home.

This year is also the year where my parents' health deteriorate so much. Dad's thyroid level was so high that he almost had to drink radiation water. But thank goodness it went down after a few months. Mum had carpel tunnel syndrome that made her hand movement become so restricted. She had it since last year but it gotten worse to the point that she can't do things like cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning. So it had to be us. Early this month she got a surgery done on her right hand and it took around two weeks for recovery. That was the hardest part where for most things, I had to do. I would be okay with it if I was on semester break or any break but it was week 14, Amy was busy, Kakak was on confinement still. It was horrendous. Will get back to this later.

Just when I thought 2018 would not be so bad, I then lost two Uncles in a span of a month. I wrote about this in an entry and up until now, I still can't wrap it around my head. I was heartbroken. I kept asking How? Why? I'm sure some of you may have experienced a time in life where unfortunate things happened one after another. That was exactly how I felt (still feel like that for 2018). I lost a lot of people this year, I let go a lot of people. I left a relationship that was not 'direstui'. A year of talking and being friends had to be put to an end just because a lot of people a care for did not like us being together. I felt bad but it felt right to listen to people around me. Maybe they saw things I didn't.

Final year is stressful, obviously. I have only tasted half of it and I am already feeling the heat. Next semester I predict that it will be a glimpse of hell. I will be in the worst mood everyday, looking like a walking zombie and avoiding people all the time. I can be sure on that.

I can write forever on why 2018 sucks for me but I also want to stress on the good part of 2018. It is mainly Imaan Medina. I was over the moon when I got to know my sister was pregnant. We waited 3 years for this moment. The day she was born was probably the happiest day in 2018 for me. I love her, with all my heart. She is perfect.

Imaan Medina captured by sharpshooter_photographer (on instagram)
Go check her out guys she's awesome!
Imaan, you have all of my love. Thank you for making 2018 better with your existence.

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