Monday, November 7, 2016

What matters most

I have never thought I would be writing about this, here. I have been writing all these while to express feelings, so why wouldn't I? It feels so wrong to be writing about someone who used to mean a lot to you, but now it's just...different. I don't know who would read this, but I would like to vent out everything I have been feeling these past few months.

So things gone completely wrong about 3 months ago, when I asked to you about something, particularly about someone and I guess you didn't want to tell me (us) yet so you avoided answering that question. I was okay although I feel a little taken aback of why you refused to tell when we have been sharing stories since 5/6 years ago. Starting from that day onwards you have been acting strange, you avoided us and keep your distance from us. You left the group (whatsapp) and when we asked if you wanted to be in that group again, you said 

'not now' 

fast forward three months later, nothing changed. No explanation, no nothing. As if 'we' never happened. It was so absurd that I don't even know what to feel. I was lost, I still am. It offended me when you said that you feel like you don't belong. It crushed me to hear that. Don't belong? Seriously? After all these years and you feel like you don't belong? 

What am I to you? What are us? I have mixed feelings for this. I am sad, mad, frustrated, confused... you tell me. 6 years man... we literally grow up together. Did SO MUCH together, gone through a lot. I feel like a punch in the heart every time I think about it and every time I think about you, I can feel a lump in my throat. You might think that I don't care because I didn't show it to you of how sad I am, but I cry too. I might be mad as hell but the sadness I feel overpowered my rage. 

I feel like all these years had gone wasted. Rasa macam kena tinggal. I question every single day 

"What have I done wrong?"

"Did I said hurtful things?"

"Am I not a good friend?"

"Are you happier without me then?"

I have truckload of questions in my head and I don't think I'm getting any answer. 
Hurt is exactly the word.

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