Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

How come that it is already 21st Ramadan? We have only 8 days left! And that means we are already in the last 10 days of Ramadan; which is the phase of forgiveness. Alhamdulillah. 

Six years ago, in the month of Ramadan, Allah has opened my heart to take another step in the journey of being a better Muslim. I have been so grateful that I took that step and even more grateful that I did it as early as fourteen year old. Not even once that I feel like going back or that I regret changing so early. Deciding to put on the hijab was not hard, to be honest. The challenge was to make sure that what I do, and my character reflects the hijab I wear on my head. I take this as a blessing from God and to appreciate this blessing I have to please Him. 

I am no near good and just like other people, I sin on daily basis. Intentionally or unintentionally. Not one soul is perfect and so am I. But God is merciful and He will forgive as long as you ask for forgiveness. 

Yesterday I was reminded on why I started wearing the hijab. I had a moment of flashback and was brought to tears.. I love how little things just remind you of the decisions you made in the past, and knowing that you made the right decisions. I was in the class of my least favorite subject, answering a test paper. I sat at the most front, right in front of my lecturer's table. While answering the paper (it was hard, btw) I saw my lecturer writing down our marks for quiz on the mark sheet. She told us that most of us didn't do well. I was convinced that I did bad because like I said, I don't favor the subject. 

I keep on looking at the quiz papers to peek on my marks so that when I get it I won't be disappointed. While she was doing that, she also divide the papers into two categories; the ones that did well, and the ones that need improvements. I waited for my paper and then I saw it, on the former stack. The ones that did well. 

I was surprised and started to feel a lump in my throat. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I studied for that subject. I am lost in most of the lectures and hardly focus. In simpler words, I was slacking for that particular subject. But God is still so kind and merciful even when I do things half-assed. What else can I ask for? 

When I first decided to put on the hijab, the situation was almost like this. I had everything. God just give and give and give and I all did was take. My grades at that time was great, I almost did not feel the burden of studying. He made it SO easy for me that I felt like I don't deserve His kindness. What did I do to deserve this, ya Allah? I did not cover up, I did not perform my prayers but why do You still give me what I wanted? 

I was so ashamed of myself and felt so selfish. I knew that I have to start being grateful and actually showing my gratitude to Him, by doing things in His favor. I thank Allah for His bounteousness and blessings that He has showered upon me. May He forgive me if I ever feel ungrateful.

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