It will get better, a 2024 reflection

I read a post on TikTok where someone said "If I was offered 1 million dollars to re-do 2024, I would say 'keep your money'". At first I thought, it's 1 million, I would take it. But then when I think about what had happen in 2024, the emotional roller coaster I felt, I finally agreed with the TikTok, I would not re-do last year again. 

It's not all bad, for sure. There were a lot of great moments but there were loads of intense, uncomfortable, 'I don't like this' moments too. Probably the year I cried more than the previous years, I had many realizations and made peace with circumstances that I can't change. It took so much courage to come to terms with that.

I changed job at the end of 2023, and spent a huge chunk of early 2024 adjusting to that newness, and it was honestly brutal. I was used to a fast-paced life, but the new job was somehow a different kind of fast-paced. And because I had a few years of experience prior, there was an unspoken expectation imposed on me that I needed to meet. It was draining, and I questioned everything - whether I made a mistake by starting over, I even questioned my own ability. I thought I wasn't good enough for this role. On top of that, it was hard to make friends. It was so easy in my previous job and I don't understand why I can't replicate the same thing here. It was a lonely couple of months and it got to a point of time where I've accepted the fact that I won't be able to experience the friendship I had in ShopBack. 

But just like everything else, things thankfully get better in time. I became better at my role, in fact now, I can't believe I'm saying this -- but I can say that I love my job. Connections improved too, now I have a group of people I spend my lunch time with and for occasional after-work dinners. I understand it now that every experience will be unique. No two workplace is the same and comparing kills. I can't help but compare the old and the new, but I realized I shouldn't and I can't. When I started to let go what was out of my control, things got better. 

Mid last year I also finally had a surgery I knew I will somehow have to do in my lifetime. I can't fully disclose here what surgery it was but if you know me and ask me directly, I would gladly share. There is no shame in sharing what my body had gone through but it was definitely a pain I will never wish upon anybody. I often said that to my sister too. It's painful, some days I just need the whole day on my bed unable to stand or walk, it was even painful to lay down. Now that it's over and done with, I found a new appreciation for my body and how much it has done for me. I vow to live healthily, to take care of my body the way it as taken care of me the past 27 years.

2024 was also the year I truly let go of the relationships (yes, multiple) that was not meant for me. For a long time I tried to hold on the hope of it all, that maybe someday it will work out. It happened almost so naturally, I just stopped thinking about it. It's true when people say that moving on happens on a random Tuesday, when all of a sudden you caught yourself thinking 'I haven't thought about this person for a while now'. Then you go about your live, thinking of them less and less until one day it's just gone. I believe working on myself, understanding my own needs and nourishing relationships that truly matters helped to take my mind out of the ones that does not serve me. So honestly, good riddance.

My self-esteem was again challenged in 2024 when my skin broke out like never before. I felt like a teenager with raging hormones. But at the age of 27? It killed my self confidence. I can't tell you how there were days I could not look at myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw. My reflection. It took me months to undo everything, for my skin to get to a state where I can look into the mirror and be okay with. I'm not yet flawless, though I think I may never be, but the roughest days are over, at least. 

In reflection, last year gave me a lot of lessons that I had to learn the hard way; 

1) health is wealth. When you've tasted sickness only you'll appreciate your body and start honoring it.

2) you can't change what you can't change. Read that again. Not people, or feelings, or circumstances, or consequences. But you can change how you react to them.

3) family is the only people you can truly rely on at the end of the day. And this does not mean just blood family, but the family you choose, too.

4) there's nothing more important than yourself. To be in tune with your soul is a gift not everyone posses. Some people don't listen to their heart, mind or body. Don't know when to stop, to pause, when to steer away from something they know no longer good for them.

5) you can be selfish. In fact, you should be selfish when you need to. This goes back to (4), that you need to always put yourself first. 

6) it's okay to feel like you don't have it together sometimes. Everyone go through it. Beating yourself up won't fix anything. Take time to clear your mind and take one step at a time.

While I know I contradicted myself from my previous post where I said 2024 has been good, it was not totally a lie. If I twist everything I said up there in a positive tone, I can make it beautiful. I have a career that truthfully, I am proud of. But what people didn't know it then, was how hard it was to get to that point. The surgery I underwent took away 13 years of 'sickness' and a whole year of frequent excruciating pain, which was the biggest blessing out of the situation, but I was in pain most the year nonetheless. And I finally, finally learn to put myself first in every situations but I had to fight my bitterness, make peace with situations and forgave people who was never sorry. 

In the end, I'm glad I came out at the other end having learnt all of these and grow through them. People say at 25 your frontal lobe develops but I truly feel it at 27. I look forward to what's in store for me this year and the surprises life will bring. I hope you had a good and an eventful 2024, and may you have a better year ahead. May all your wishes and hopes and dreams come true :)

Of shifts, self, and starting again

At the start of the year, I set a personal goal to post one blog entry every month. I was on track for a few months, but then life happened, and I skipped a month… or two. Suddenly, it’s October, and we’re just about 80 days away from January 1st, 2025. I obviously didn’t see that goal through, but I want to end the year properly. I only have three more posts to go; it shouldn't be too hard, right?

How has 2024 been for you? I don’t want to sound like a broken record because every year I find myself saying, “This year has been so good to me,” but this year has changed me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I remember a conversation with a friend, where she said she doesn't have a favorite year; she just lives every year to the fullest, knowing the next one will top the current one. I didn’t understand her at the time, but now I do. I wish I had recorded those defining moments as they happened, but I’ve found it safer to keep my real-time brain dumps personal. Don’t worry though, I’ll share the refined and filtered version with you, as always.

Something shifted in me lately, and I can’t quite explain it. I was filled with a new sense of motivation… in October, mind you. When everyone else is giving up on their goals and resolutions, I thought, I could start at any time, not just at the new year. There’s no definite starting line or finish line; you just start. So I asked myself, if not now, then when? I started three separate things, all within the same week.

One night, I found myself journaling, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I wanted to write about myself. This admission might reveal how much time I’ve spent focusing on others—writing about how people and events have affected me—but I’m not ashamed of it. That night, however, was different. I was writing about me: what I’m working on and how it sparked something within me—a feeling that had been lost for so long.

I know there’s still time before the year ends, and as they say, the end of the year is when the plot twists usually happen. If you ask me, I’m always excited for what’s to come—even though it means I’m getting closer to 28—especially with a very special day I’ve been looking forward to: my best friend’s wedding. Whatever twists and turns the rest of the year have in store, I hope it’s all good tidings.

My worst year yet..at blogging

This is by far the worst I've been at keeping up with this blog. I've only posted three entries this year! This is so few since I started blogging over 10 years ago. To make it worse, one of them was Wordless Wednesday, which technically wasn't my words—just an image. A cheat to make me post more on here.

Though I come out here only infrequently, I will never stop loving writing. Besides this space, I've been writing practically everywhere else: my journal, my note app, my WhatsApp (I sent it to myself)—about anything and everything under the sun. My random thoughts of the day, reflections, or my hopes and fears. Sometimes when I read back on old writings, I cringe at them, but most of them fill me with such nostalgic feelings. That's why I've always loved writing down feelings.

There was one post from back in 2019 that I recently read again. In that entry, I sounded hopeless, as if there was no way out of that situation. It was because I was in it for far too long—five years to be exact. And in my head at the time, I kept asking, 'When will this be over? When can I move on from this?' But patience was all I needed, as my questions were answered just a year after that. In 2020, I was finally free.

Reading that again in 2023, I was laughing-crying. I couldn't believe that 1) I was too young to be feeling that way. 2) God listens, always. You just have to put your trust in Him. 3) I moved forward, then went back to that thing I should have never revisited, and I finally moved on at the right time. 4) I came out from that understanding why the delay was necessary.

Anyways, I went totally off-road with that. My point is—I will continue writing for as long as I can. You'll find me here eventually, though not as frequently as I'd like. Until the next one!

It's the New Year, again

Hello and a very Happy New Year! I skipped the whole month of December for no reason at all when I actually had a lot of things to share. I keep wanting to write but procrastinate until I don't feel like sharing anymore...lol

It's the 6th of January, and I hope all of you had a very good start to the year & already though of what are the things you want to achieve in the year of 2022. That's important. My year began really great. I attended my best friend's wedding. She's the first among all of us to get married and I couldn't tell you how happy I am for her. She deserve all that happiness. 

I am still on leave, which is the second best thing of this week, haha 😆 I needed this break more than anything after working non stop even on weekends for the past 4 - 5 months. It was brutal and I was truly exhausted. I took this first week of January (& the last week of Dec 2021) to really take a break and unwind. Last week I went out, did some errands, met friends and this week I have been doing a lot of domestic stuff. I rearranged my room, did multiple loads of laundry. Wash > hang > fold & repeat. Honestly I do not know where all those clothes came from. 

I am a homebody at best. I like doing nothing when I'm not working or even during weekends. so I'm using this week to fully take the rest I needed. One thing about being on long leave is that, you'll get to a point where you're ready to work again and by next Monday, I'll be mentally ready to work and be productive. 

At the beginning of last year, I stated 5 things I wanted to achieve in 2021. Among all 5 things, I completed 3 of them. Which honestly, pretty damn good. The other 2 things I didn't do was 1) Travel abroad (COVID doesn't let me) and 2) I want to know how to cook which to be fair, I think I know how to cook if you put me on the spot, lol. Ok I'm just making excuses but I can cook basic stuff. If you ask me kuah masak lemak cili api then yeah, I'll pass.

So for this year, I also have a list of things I want to achieve but instead of 5, I only have 4 of which I decided not to share what those things are. I'm actually really excited for 2022 and really look forward to what the future has in store for me & everyone. I have another best friend's wedding coming up this year and that will definitely be one of the highlights. I'm optimistic as usual and I hope this year will be a golden year of all of you too :)

How life has truly been

I didn't plan on writing a life update but a lot has happened in the last couple of months that I feel the urge to write. Before I start, I hope all of you (anyone who happened to read this) are doing fine. Because I am. More than fine. I have been in a very peaceful place, I'm happier than I have been in the last couple of months.

If you read other entries, you know I had some sort of a meltdown in June/July and I'm so glad I am way past that phase. Alhamdulillah. Some people told me it may be anxiety and after that I became more empathetic towards those who actually suffer from anxiety. Mine was mild, and it was just one time but I can't imagine having it on a weekly/monthly occurrence. I pray for your wellbeing, I really do.

I am now in a very healthy headspace. I've been seeing friends and family again, I'm laughing more often now, I'm still stressed out at times but those are inevitable, lol. But getting my weekly dose of social interaction feels really, really good. That boosted my mood by a lot and knowing my loved ones are also healthy, doing good. Nothing feels better than that.

I finally reunited with my niece and nephew after 11 months. ELEVEN. It was the happiest weeks of my life this year. I can't tell you how much I miss them and being able to spend time with the kids, beat every feeling in the world. I felt whole, heart grew twice as big. 

Talking about family, I unfortunately lost another uncle last two weeks. I was so helpless at the time because I was away in Melaka with friends and oh, the guilt I felt.. to both family and my friends. I couldn't be there with my family, and I was also not 100% present during the trip. My mind was wandering, thinking. I went for a 2D1N trip to Melaka and I received the news at midnight. It happened so fast to even wrap my head around it. A bit of back story, he contracted with COVID-19 in August. His whole family got it but he had it worst. He was intubated and spend about a month in ICU. We had faith that he will fight it, he did. He shown progress and was sent home to recover. The months following that, he was making progress, slowly until he kind of relapsed just a few days before he passed. He was admitted again and that was when things just went downhill. 

While I'm still in the same topic, Dad is having a more frequent hospital visits lately. He was supposed to undergo a surgery earlier this year but because of the whole COVID situation and he's also not very fit for surgery, it was pushed back one too many times and it is still in the schedule now. Otherwise, he's fine. My mom is also well, alhamdullilah.

On a lighter note, I finally drove!!! OMG I can't tell you how I am actually still in disbelieve. It's really not a big deal but it is to me. For years, YEARS I had too many people asking me when will you get your driving license, girl? It got to a point where that question is a sore point for me. I don't like answering to the question because I didn't know when. Was I scared? Not confident that I can do it? Was it because of money? Or did I feel like it's too late to take it? Honestly I have no answer. Maybe all of the above but what I know was that I have been delaying it for too long now. 

I took that leap back in March when I registered myself for driving class, attended the 6-hour long talk in May, took the theory exam in October, and fast forward, last weekend I had the first 2 driving classes. It was nerve-wracking, exciting, and scary all at the same time. My instructor told me I did great for a first-timer (mind you I never tried driving illegally. I really am a good girl, lol. Or I was just chickened out la. One of the two). Do you understand how good that made me feel? Yeah I was smiling all weekend, safe to say. There's still more to go through, I don't think I'll be getting my license anytime soon. Probably in early next year. 

But all in all, life has been good. Universe has been kind to me lately. It only makes me be on guard and preparing myself on what could go wrong. Wired that way. 

When was the last time you truly ask, how your life has been? I hope it has been kind to you too :)

Why working from home may not be for everyone

1) You tend to do work out of working hours, even though it is not expected.

2) You can't detach yourself from work mode. No time to cool off, moving from work desk to another thing immediately. No walks, no train rides, no small talk in between or change of scenery to distract you from work. I find myself having anxiety before sleep just thinking of working again just 6 hours later.

3) You get distracted so easily by family members calling you from the hall, parcel delivery, food delivery, tea time, and everything else in between.

4) Home is not a comfort place anymore, sucks how you can't say "I'm coming home from work" and have that happy-"finally going home"-feeling because you're just......at home. All the damn time.

5) The hardest part is to be stressed around the people who you wanted to hide the stress from. I hate to see the look in my family's eyes when they see me struggling. I know they wish they can help.

Work does not suck. But with the whole that's been going on (which thank God, it's easing up) life can be too repetitive that makes you feel like a living, breathing robot. The things that keep me going is the fact that my family is still healthy, untouched by COVID, our daily video calls with my niece & nephew, my friends & colleagues that make things bearable. 

Someone asked me if the office reopens but you can choose to work from or in the office, which would you pick? In a heartbeat, I'll choose working in the office. That's how much I miss it. 

But until then, I'll endure this. I have done this long enough to know I'll be just fine.

Books I Completed #3

 

My last update on books I read was back in March and since then, I have completed a lot more. Truly this is the most books I've read in probably 5 years. I was not an avid reader, I can tell you that. But pandemic can really change your hobby, lol. 

I won't be giving review to each books like I did previously but I'll give my personal ratings to them.

the sun and her flowers & milk and honey (7/10) 

These are poetry books from Rupi Kaur talking about her past trauma, both set heavily around daddy issues, objectifying women and sexual abuse. A lot of the poems in the book made me feel really sad for her.

It Ends With Us (8.5/10), November 9 (8/10) & All Your Perfects (9/10)

Colleen Hoover has a very distinct style of writing. The storylines are not cliche but the way the hero & heroin meet for the first time is definitely only happens in novels, lol. My favourite of the three would be All Your Perfects because it touches on real issue (infertility) that people normally don't talk about and don't see how much it can damage a marriage.

The Wrath & The Dawn (10/10) and The Rose & The Dagger (11/10)

One story split into two parts. I...have nothing to say about these 2 books. Highly recommend. I cried like a baby for one part of book number 2. I was crushed beyond repair and I have not cried for a book in like.......YEARS. It was that good.

The Song of Achilles (11/10)

I understand the hype for this book now. It's a work of art. The style of writing, the language....chef kiss. Another book, Circe which is also from the same author is already in my TBR. There's hype for this book too, I just don't have the time to read physical book yet.

Say Yes To Summer (6/10)& Poemsia (6.5/10)

These 2 books are just alright. Light read, don't need much thinking or rock your emotions that much.

There you go, book review nobody asked for. LOL

How 2020 is both a blessing & a curse

One whole year, 12 months, 366 days. A lot has happened. 2020 is definitely one of the most challenging one, emotionally. I went on a roller coaster ride and the emotions I felt was strong that I can clearly remember how it felt. It wasn't something that was just passing by. And, just like any other events in my life, I decided to document all of them as a way to

1. Cope with the feelings 
2. Look back later and be reminded that hey, if I was able to get through THAT, I can go through anything 
3. Remember the pain that made me stronger, blessings that kept me grounded

 

Blessings

1. I passed my 6 months probation period in early February & I hit the first full year of working in early August. I guess it was the "first job" feeling that made it so fulfilling & meaningful though I think to other people it's just another small milestone. It's huge to me and I'm thankful that God has placed me at where I am today, crossing path with talented, kind-hearted, super goal-driven people. 1 year & 5 months has passed since I first joined, who knows how long more will I be working there.
2. Because of the pandemic & the whole quarantine thing, I was able to spend SO much time with my family. I have always been with my family anyways since I still live with my parents but when COVID-19 hits and we had to stay at home around 3 months before the MCO started to ease a bit around June, it was a whole another level of "spending time". One of the many silver linings to this whole thing. Our Ramadan & Raya brought completely different meaning to us. It was definitely a meaningful one for me.
3. We welcomed a new addition to the family, the first baby boy! We got the news Kakak was pregnant again with her second child in early February, and the baby turned out to be a boy. It has always been us girls beside Papa, then came around our brother in law and now a healthy & wonderful baby boy. He is 3 months old now, I haven't seen him in nearly 2 months and I can't wait to gomol him when we meet. 
4. At times like this what you have to be most grateful for is definitely good health. I am blessed with such a healthy body this whole year. I think I got "sick" just for a night, took medication and I was completely alright the next day. I remember last year I got sick multiple times and felt yucky about it. Most of us always take health for granted and I realised how this blessing is the one thing a lot of people out there would trade anything for. To be among the people (my whole family too!) God keep safe & healthy despite the pandemic getting worst than ever is still mind-blowing to me. He is the Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
5. I finally got the answer to my prayers and my wonder after 5+ years though I get it the hard way. I refuse to elaborate so much on this but this has always been at the back of my mind the whole time for the past 5 years and how I was never free from that thought. It was finally answered 5 years later, or at least God opened my eyes to see it now as I obviously was too blind to see it back then.
6. More to a responsibility than a blessing, I can say that I am now fully financially independent. I never thought I would say this at the age of 23 but being able to have your own hard-earned money and spend it the way you always imagine you would want to when you were younger is such a fulfilling thing to do. The bigger blessing here would definitely be the fact that I am able to keep my job up until this point despite of current economic situation. If that doesn't keep you going, I don't know what will.

Curses

1. Because of Miss Rona, my convocation was cancelled. I am still trying to find the good side of this whole cancellation but haven’t seen it yet. I am the type to always find silver linings in every setbacks so that I can feel better and put my mindset on the positive side, but man, I cannot find one for this yet.. It's not the biggest deal that I didn't get the convocation I once looked forward to but it was still a bummer.
2. I went through a series of heartbreaks but one of it gave me the answer to my prayers (refer point 5 in Blessings, lol am I writing a thesis...?). Ok, to be fair point number 5 wasn't a "heartbreak", more like something that happened and it left me all huh??? Did that just happened....again? I was left super confused and taken aback but I was partly at fault for letting it happen. I also had a friendship crisis that made me realise, I want this friendship to last really bad. I wanted to make this work more than anything. Things were resolved in the best way possible & I think it made us more understanding of each other.
3. This is definitely not exclusive to myself. We spent a lot of time indoors, hence wasn't able to actually "live". A lot of time were spent alone (for most people), not much on having fun obviously because you can't go anywhere but I think whenever we actually get to see friends and family, we learn to appreciate that and really be in the moment. At least for me I really look forward to meet friends on Friday nights because I know that is indeed a luxury.

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There are obviously a lot more blessings & curses in between but these are major ones that impacted me most this year. Though 2020 has been a total nightmare to a lot of us that we can’t wait to wake up from, still, always count your blessings twice. Better days are coming, believe it, manifest it.

Now... if I do a little backtrack to an entry I posted in February, I still hold on to what I said, that this year will be a good year. 

Turns out it does. Despite COVID-19 and the whole quarantine thing, I still see this year as a decent one. Full of learnings (I will also make an extension to this entry), and has made me wiser in every way possible.

The rest of 2019, a recap

My first entry of the year, on the first day of the year! Woohoo! I'm sorry I dropped off last year on August 😂A few updates from where I left off:

1) I secured my first job, started 5th Aug. Alhamdulillah. I remembered how I struggled so much trying to find my internship placement. I cried and was so hopeless. But God is great He let this time, my real job to be SO easy. 

Ever since I started working, man oh man, my health went downhill. I get sick literally every month. For someone who hardly get sick, I was really frustrated. I had corneal abrasion in August, just 2 weeks after I started working, was down with fever twice. I felt really weak.

2) Celebrated Aween's birthday. Grateful for the people I still have until now. The realest 💛To many, many more birthdays in the future. 

3) Late September, I had Omakase for the first time, at Nobu KLCC no less. Came to a conclusion that I love sushi but raw food? No thanks. At least I enjoyed the night with the view 😅(Sorry the horrible pictures, the lighting was too dim huhu)

4) Attended Amy's graduation. A law graduate, finally! For someone that have seen everything she went through to get that degree, that day was one of my proudest moment as a sister. Looking forward to my own graduation 😛

5) I went to Nights of Fright for the first time in late October! If it wasn't because of ShopBack, I wouldn't go, ever. I penakut.. but I was surprisingly okay there? I was nervous before going in but being in there was really not that bad. Would I go again? Maybe. 

6) November was a hectic month. Both in terms of work and personal life. Attended two of my seniors' weddings, which made me realize that yeah, I am at that stage of life where I attend my friends' weddings now. I honestly eager to know which one among us to get married first! 

7) And you think it would get better in December, but nope, it got worst. I was down with fever, took antibiotic and got allergic reaction 😑 My dad caught dengue, which almost took him away. Tuhan je yang tahu how I felt, how we all felt. He spent a week in the hospital, was monitored closely. I was all over the place. I couldn't focus, at the same time my health was also haywire. Only after about 3 weeks, he started to regain his health, but he is not 100% OK yet.

8) In the midst of all that, I flew to Singapore for a company trip. Something that has already being planned for months. I prayed hard that nothing happens and that Papa gets better so I would be able to travel without worrying. I went on a cruise for the first time! Again, another firsts. A memory I will keep close to my heart because I really don't know when can I ever get to go on a cruise again. Possibly just once in a lifetime!

9) While I was on the cruise, I got to know that one of my uncle is fighting with his life to stage 4 lung cancer. He was just waiting for his time to go. The doctor said that nothing can be done. I was hoping God let me come back home first, let me see him. I landed from Singapore on Friday around 6PM. Took KLIA Transit straight to Putrajaya to visit him at IKN. I whispered to his ears "Tya datang ni Pakwan", that was the only thing I could say. I felt a lump in my throat the whole visit. 

Went to have dinner, got home and showered. Just shortly after that, we got the news that Pakwan passed away. It was probably hard for Papa to accept that his brother passed away when a week before he just came to visit Papa at the hospital when he had dengue. Crazy how life works.

10) Had our biannual family day on the last weekend of 2019. We do this every year with Mum's side of family. I always enjoy them, I love my family so much, nothing in this world beats the blessing of having such a loving, supportive family around you. When I was studying last time, I usually miss the year-end family day because finals always happens to be around this time 🙄 

11) Last but not least, I spent the last day of 2019 with the people I work with, playing bowling. Our last team bonding of the year. Had a great time and we won 4th place! Went back, too tired for anything. I went to bed 1130PM and missed the whole countdown and fireworks. A grandma, I know. But honestly it doesn't really matter to me that I missed it. I was just happy and content that the last and the first people I see were my parents. I close the year and begin another year with them ♥️

ps: I tried to be as discreet as possible as I don't want to put people's picture/face online if I don't have their consent. Especially if they are not my family. Sorry if the pictures are mehhhh. 

pps: I'm too slow that this entry would actually go live on 2nd Jan.