#TGIF: The job that shaped me

Everyone has specific time in their lives that they could never forget. Be it because the impact is too significant, or the memories too painful, or even too beautiful to forget. A lot of things can remind you of that time -- either a specific smell or a song, the path you often walk down or a phrase you heard on a random day, that was once an inside joke.

That time for me was when I worked at my first job. I was a waitress cum a cashier, and some days I was the bartender too, at a local chain restaurant near my house. It wasn’t money that appealed to me when I first decided to work. It was heartbreak. I was 18, fresh out of school, too heartsick to waste time at home. So instead, I decided to take a part time job to distract myself. Sounds dramatic, I know. But being that young, every feeling was amplified unnecessarily. 

If you knew me at that point of my life, you’d know that the decision was completely and utterly out of my comfort zone. Though I didn’t grew up with loads of money, I was pretty sheltered from hardwork. I didn’t have to work, if I chose not to. This experience, while it was only about 7 months of my life, didn't just teach me how exhausting it is to earn money, it taught me so much more than that.

It was my first job. My first time having people I would call coworkers, the first time I had a boss or superior and I had to learn what it means to be professional. To put personals aside and showing up at work no matter what. How to tolerate people and managing customers. Truly made me realize people who work in service are built different. These people are not my long-time friends, these are not the people I've known before and having to learn how to make new friends and connections, it was a moment of training, before the real adulthood begins. 

Not just that, it taught me real life skills. I didn't know how to mop the floor prior to this job. During my first closing shift, I had to mop the floors and my supervisor laughed at my face for my non-existent mopping skills. Who knew there's a specific way to mop the floor? I didn't, but now I do know and I am pretty good at it too. I learnt how to make teh tarik, and learnt to ensure the daily sales recorded matches with cash in the register. I learnt responsibility and attention to detail, knowing that every dime was needed to make the numbers match.

That job didn't just distract me from my heartbreak, it gave me new meaning. It showed me that my life didn't end with that break up, in fact my life was just getting started. There are so many experiences and people I have yet to meet and love. It also taught me that I will be loved again, and I will feel it this time, truly feel it. Even if it's not romantic, my life will be so full of it.

Now, every time I walk by any restaurants especially if it's a chain just like the one I worked at, I still feel a pang of nostalgia even after 11 years have passed. Experience like that will never come by twice, and at times it didn't feel real, but the lasting impact it left me and the memories I've made testified that I truly did, lived that life.

#TGIF: Life is short, fleeting and fragile

Life has a way to pull you back to earth, to remind you that nothing lasts, and that it’s short. A month ago I lost an uncle. He was my mom’s older brother whom we called pak andak. A death none of us saw coming. He was only 66 years old, healthy as ever. He was fit, and in fact he was casually having his weekly badminton session. It was a normal Sunday, or so we thought. 

Mama received a call from an old colleague—she and pak andak worked in the same company many years back, so they had an overlap on the people they know, which was a blessing now that I think about it because that friend didn’t know who else to call, other than Mama. 

She was told by that friend that pak andak collapsed and unconscious, and was on the way to Hospital Ampang by ambulance. She needed Mama to inform family and to share his immediate family’s contact numbers. Mama immediately contacted her siblings and asked us to get ready for the hospital. The house was a mess, as we literally just moved in the previous day. We had plans to start unpacking, and when this came up, we dropped everything and rushed to get ready. 

It was around 10+am, we didn’t even shower that morning. As I was getting ready, I looked over to Dyna and told her “Dyna, I’m scared”. “I know, I hope it’s nothing serious” was what she told me. 

Mama, Dyna & Amy took one car to leave for the hospital. I supposed to follow Kakak, with the kids in another car. A minute later Amy ran back into the house and told us “Pak andak dah tak ada”. I ran outside for Mama, found her already sobbing and wailing in the passenger’s seat. It was already hard to receive the news, but it was even harder to see Mama that way. We zoomed to the hospital that instant.

We were among the earliest to arrive and the sucky part about that is that you relive the the new a million times every time another family member arrived at the hospital. They embraced each other, hugged and cry together. Over and over. Stories going around, everyone tells each other their own version of how they received the news, where they were and what they were doing. The fact that they just saw pak ndak merely few days ago during Raya Haji. How could this happen?

I have lost a few family members, and each time brought out different types of hurt. I looked at everyone's faces that day and I can't help to feel so sad -- for my aunt who lost her husband so suddenly, my cousins who just lost a father without a proper goodbye, the grandchildren who never got to see their Atok's face for the last time, Mama and her sisters who lost yet another older brother. Now they only have one little brother left to fend for them, six ladies. They are grown adults, but I don't see that version, somehow. They flock together, consoling each other, trying to be strong despite the shock and deep grief.

I think about my own siblings. No matter how old I am now or how old I will be, the thought of losing one of my sisters is unbearable. It must've felt the same for Mama and her siblings. He is known as the protective brother from the stories I've heard, anecdotes from when Mama & her sisters grew up. Seeing them that day reminded me that no matter how old we become, there are some relationships that never stop making us feel like children.

None of us had any idea that our lives would forever changed by noon, on what we thought just another typical Sunday. Truly, death has a way to make you realize how fleeting life actually is and tomorrow is never promised.

#TGIF: Some Days

Some days it feels so near,

Other days it feels like a million light-years away.

Some days it feels possible,

Other days I am convinced it's not in the cards for me.

Some days I crave it,

Other days I feel I am better off without it.

Some days I look up at the sky and wish upon a shooting star,

Other days I barely think about it, as though my life was always meant to be this way.

Some days my chest fills with hope so huge I might collapse,

Other days I feel lucky that I still get to be selfish with my time and energy.

- AZ

#TGIF: Change

I know I have been really bad at keeping up with weekly writing and it's all on me. I've committed on posting every Friday, but lately it has been challenging to keep up with it. So I am gonna cheat a little here by posting a TGIF post on a Sunday. It felt like the right thing to do instead of waiting for the next Friday.

I am going through a lot of changes in life currently and more changes to come that I can already anticipate. I will tell more about all of them but for now I will share one thing.

Some of you may already know what I do but essentially I am in Account managing/brand consulting. Since I joined the company, I have been managing the same brand, the same client for over 2 years. It wasn’t easy at first but after 2 years? I knew it like the back of my hand. I had real good relationship with the people I worked with for the brand. The client too. We were in sync.

One person can say something, and I knew it they meant immediately. I know where things start and where they end. We've had multiple wins together that honestly one of the highlights of my career. I was really happy with how things were going, until the rug was pulled out from under me.

I was promoted (Alhamdulillah, really) and was moved into a team where I am more needed. Not into a stable team, but into the team that is still becoming. Before moving, everyone who knew I will make the move wishes me “good luck” because the team is very much known for chaos.

But there are two things you need to know about me though, and they are;

1. I like to prove people wrong
2. I would not believe hearsay, until I experience it myself - be it with people or situations/experiences

As I've become more senior in my role and the company, I know there are a certain expectations in place. I too, have expectations for myself. And I've said this before, that I am my biggest critique. So yes, I was a little hard on myself these past 2 weeks. I wanted to know things fast, gets frustrated when I can't contribute, when it was really only my second day into the new team & learning new brand.

What exactly did I expect?

I am not going to lie, I did feel the chaos and it was not just because I was new, but the situation has always been a little chaotic. The fire-fighting and problem solving are constant. In the last 2 weeks, I felt like all of my brain juices were squeezed dry every day that when I leave the office, I can only think of going to bed and rest. Because I know, I have to do this all over again tomorrow.

It put me in such a slump, it was hard to keep my social life going too. I didn't have the energy to reply to messages, let alone brain storm a blog post. I am just praying that things will stabilize soon, so I can be here more often and be creative again. But you'll know how it goes. If you see me back here next Friday, that means I had time and brain capacity to write. And maybe, just maybe - I am alright after all.

#TGIF: twenty something

I have officially made 29 trips around the sun, today. The last time I posted exactly on my birthday was when I turned 20, which was 9 years back. At the time, 20 seemed huge, a very serious age. I graduated from teenagehood, and it all seemed so fresh, and new. Embarking on a decade that would be so formative and defining, if only I knew.

Back then, I couldn't even fathom what the next decade would hold for me. I had a version of the future in my mind, very different from what I am currently living. My frontal lobe had barely developed for adulthood, and situations and relationships that doesn't even matter now felt so huge. But the innocence and the seemingly endless possibility at that age is what I miss the most. My career was not set in stone yet, and my day to day was much simpler. 

My biggest achievement back then was probably the fact that I started eating veggies, after refusing (read: hating) veggies since childhood. I started with just salad, but who knew my-now-self would crave them? At times it does feel like time has passed and I have grown up, but most times, I didn't even realized it. Only when I look back and see how many years have passed and how much things have changed -- how much I have changed. 

Now, running my final lap before hitting the big 3-0, I realized birthday wishes and expectations changed. I no longer wait for the clock to strike twelve anymore. I did not anticipate my birthday as I would when I was much younger. I don't expect messages to flood my phone or a celebration. In fact today, feels like just any other Friday. My only hope is that for those who believe I matter in their lives, would send genuine prayer for me -- for my wellbeing, my rizq, and for Allah's continuous sustenance and barakah to shower upon me. InshaAllah, ameen. 

#TGIF: 30 before 30, a list

I'm gonna start by crediting this idea to a friend of mine who had inspired me to start creating my own 30 before 30 list. I have mentioned about this same friend a few times in this blog across different entries, and I can tell you she had inspired me in various areas of my life, including this list. If you have seen the Netflix movie "The Life List", it's essentially the same concept with that. 

A few years ago this friend of mine told me about her 30 before 30 list, and I was immediately intrigued and asked her more about it. She told me this is a list of things she wanted to do or achieve by the time she's 30. A bucket list, so to speak. I don't know why that seems like such a genius idea, all the while the concept of "bucket list" has existed for decades. I think I was about 25 or 26 years old at the time and thought, I should create my own list too. So I started curating what are the 30 things (that matters) I want to do/achieve. Soon after, my 30 before 30 list is complete. 

I will be upfront, I have changed up the list quite a few times throughout the years because I've changed and there are things I don't want to do anymore. For example, initially I include "Experience bungee jump" and I thought better of it, and decided to remove from my list because I never wanted to bungee jump in the first place. I am not an adrenaline junkie and including that into the list just to conquer my fear of height does not feel authentic, or even important for me. 

Don't feel bad to edit the list as you go, because you evolve all the time and things you want to do/achieve will eventually change too. 

I will share with you some of the things I have done and things I have not completed yet from my list, maybe you could find some ideas for your own list;

Completed:

• Visit 5 countries
• Singapore (I went 4 different times for different reasons)
• Indonesia (I went to Bali! I still think of that trip often)
• Thailand (I went Krabi, the food and the 7E was the highlight)
• Saudi Arabia (For Umrah, I still can't believe I've been there)
• China (Yunnan trip!)
• Become a manager
• I am fortunate enough to have worked with so many good managers; in terms of managing work & managing people and that has inspired me to follow the same footsteps. I thought by being a people manager I would feel empowered, but instead I felt truly humbled by the whole experience.
• See snow 
• This happened in Yunnan but we didn't get to play with snow :( But not gonna lie, I would probably be too busy fighting for my life because of how cold it would be to be playing with snow.
• Perform Umrah
• Still is the best thing I've ever experienced. I get so happy to see so many of my friends embark on the same journey.
• Read 5 non-fictions 
• When I started this list, I hated reading non-fic books, I think it's boring and slows me down. But I recognize the motivation and fire that my friend has in her is most probably from reading a lot of self-help books. So I thought I should try. Now, years later, I could say I love self-help books! 

Have not completed:

• Volunteer for a cause - Access to education is everyone's rights but I also do understand it now that it is in fact a privilege. I dream of teaching underprivileged kids.
• Try boxing/muay thai - I've tried taekwondo and silat. I will always love martial arts. 
• Attend make up class - I suck at make up and I need to improve that skill pronto.
• Buy a car - I rarely drive, but it's nice to have a car of my own. Definitely not a need.
• Buy a designer bag - Nothing flashy or super expensive. I've been wanting a Coach bag!

I will be 30 next year but I still have half of the list unticked. I have never put a pressure on myself to complete everything but it gave me some sort of motivation and drive, holding space for all of my dreams and visions. I will never be in my 20s again, having this much time for me, myself and I. This is my only time to make the most out of it and this list has helped me pave that way.

#TGIF: The final Friday

Phew, we're finally here. After 36 Fridays, 36 posts — we are here at the finishing line. Best believe I will be having celebratory dinner for completing what I never thought I would. It's posting entries, what's so hard about that? It's not the posting and stories that I am celebrating, it's the fact that I successfully committed to it. I showed up every single week. I brainstormed, planned and followed through what I had set my mind to, many weeks ago. 

As I am writing this last TGIF post for this year, I thought of how this year has been for me. So many good things happened. I've made new friends that now have become a part of my everyday life, I performed my first Umrah, I was challenged at work (in a positive way), I said 'Yes' to things I have never done before, I opened the door to get to know someone (but that did not go well), I travelled, I welcomed a new family member, my friends and I made time for each other — celebrated everyone's birthdays despite our clashing schedules. We showed up anyways. I had so many highs, alhamdulillah but not without some humbling, of course.

I have high hopes for 2026, not to “outdo” 2025, but as a standard I set for myself to uphold based on what I’ve experienced this year. It does not matter how the year goes in the grand scheme of things; what matters to me is who I will be once I come out on the other side. As long as I am proud of her, it’s a successful year, regardless. Here are some reflections I've made this year that I thought I could share with you;

• You don't just have time, you make time
• The reality of striving for the life you wanted is to accept what comes with it
• Umrah is for everyone who Allah has called; the rich, the poor, the sinners or righteous. You are not "too far", "too poor", "too busy" for it.
• At the end of the day, family will be the place you turn back to
• Staying stagnant is the real failure
• Some seats will never be reserved for you, and that's okay
• Sadness and melancholy often mistaken as depth
• There's no use of overexplaining yourself, people will form opinions however they want
• Allah is so kind and generous, even when you don't deserve it
• If you want a village, you need to accept the occasional inconveniences of being a villager
• If it's your calling, it will keep calling
• Treasure people who treasure you
• Just try, just start, just do it
• Consistency > frequency
• Do it enough times that it becomes intrinsic
• Lack of romantic love is not a shortcoming, it can be a blessing
• Healing starts with you; celebrating all that you are and forgiving all that you are not
• Kindness goes a long way and disservice stays with people
• Being soft isn't weak but it can be seen that way. Learn to balance
• You have the power to be and do anything, you just need to believe in yourself
• Show up for people without the hope of anything in return, real ones will show up for you too
• Love is indeed, all around

Now, the question remains; will I continue TGIF in 2026? The answer is; Yes, I will. I might make some changes to the blog next year, might even move to another platform altogether. I have yet to think it through but I want to make the reading experience better. I have no idea if that means I will lose the archived entries and have to start fresh elsewhere. Have not figure that out yet, that would be next year's problem, but wish me luck in continuing this series for another year!

Before I end, none of this would be possible without the encouragement from the people whose opinion I truly value. I am deeply grateful for their presence, quiet support, and they way they continue to cheer me on as I write every week — friends and strangers alike.

I will see you in 2026.

walking straight into 2026, in gratitude and faith

#TGIF: The best year yet

This year, I am most attuned to my feelings. More than an escape, writing has been the thing I turn to whenever I seek comfort. It's the only way I know how to compartmentalize thoughts and break down complex feelings. It's not just an outlet; it has become a remedy -- a cure at times of hurt, but also an amplifier of the good. I never thought I could follow through with my aim to write every Friday, but here I am, 35 Fridays later, still musing, still writing, still posting. I think I deserve a pat on the back for that.

Apart from writing here, I've also been journaling a lot -- not just to write down feelings, but to plan out my life in general. I think I got a lot of things done this year due to my slightly psychotic planning of every inch of my life. The decisions I consciously make every day to get closer to my goals are not accidental, but planned ahead.

A few years back, I had a friend who told me she does not have any “best year.” Every year is her best one because she makes sure to live in the moment and make the best of each year, instead of reminiscing about the past and labeling it as her “best year.” Romanticizing the past, she said, is not how you should be living your life. What she shared made me rethink the way I approach life. Since then, I’ve made sure to plan my year intentionally, often asking myself, “At the end of the year, who do I want to be?” That question alone should be enough to guide what you need to do, the goals you set, and how you plan to get there. 

Alhamdulillah for what this year has been for me. It does not matter what I have achieved or the places I’ve been to; ultimately, I am most grateful for my health and for the fact that my family is also well and healthy. I have friends all around me who are my rock, holding space for me without question, often without me asking. A job that keeps my wheels turning, challenging and stretching me in ways I never expected, but needed.

Are there goals I did not manage to achieve this year? Of course there are. In fact, plenty. But I wouldn’t measure this year by how many boxes I’ve ticked, but by how much it has changed me. And I am, forever changed.

It’s not our job to question someone’s faith

This isn’t Friday, and it isn’t a usual TGIF post. I’m sharing this because something has been lingering with me for the past week. This isn’t written in anger, but in surrender, for anyone who chooses to listen.

Faith is a lifelong journey. At times, it is easy. At others, you struggle through it. I, myself, have lived through many versions of that journey. If you’ve known me for a long time, you’d know the different versions of me: who I was in school, out of school, and now, as an adult. You would have seen the changes outwardly, but I hope you’ve also taken the time to really know me. To know that no matter how I’ve changed on the outside, I have always remained the same on the inside.

I’ve spoken about faith in past entries. My struggles with it, how I view it, and how I try to build a life centered around it. The reality of sharing pieces of my life online is that my choices become open to scrutiny. As human beings, we can’t escape curiosity. People will wonder and people will judge, often quietly, behind closed doors. But occasionally, those judgments are made publicly, without much thought for how they land.

If you happen to be reading this (and you know who you are), know that I recognize your intention to want good for me. I see it, even through the tone that felt less than kind. I ran your words past multiple people, including my mother, just to make sure I wasn’t imagining how sharp they felt. I understand that you may feel a responsibility to advise. And as Muslims ourselves, advising one another is a responsibility. I’ve received advice throughout my life, and I’ve always welcomed constructive feedback. Not just about faith, but just about anything in life.

I appreciate you coming forward to tell me that I should dress better, I really do. I hear it. I see it. And I take it sincerely. Still, I’ll be honest, it makes me sad. Not because I’m unwilling to reflect, but because there isn’t a single day that passes where I don’t consciously try to remember God, placing Him at the centre of my decisions. 

But I owe no one an explanation. My relationship with Allah does not require an audience. It is private. It is personal. It exists in moments that are unseen, unspoken, and deeply internal.

There is a difference between advice and judgment.

“Have you forgotten God?” did not feel like guidance. It did not invite reflection; it shut it down. You may say it came from a place of care, but intention matters. Words carry weight, and faith is not strengthened through shame or public interrogation.

Perhaps this was how Allah chose to nudge me, through you. And perhaps it is also a reminder for myself to never pass judgment on others who may be struggling quietly and privately, in ways I cannot see. May we always remember that advice, especially on matters of faith, should be given with care and wisdom.

To those who are struggling with your faith, whether it’s dressing modestly, completing your prayers, or exercising self-restraint from sins — I see you. I know it can be hard, like going to war with yourself, but Allah sees all of your efforts, and that is what truly matters. Because so much of faith is lived quietly, privately, and unseen. 

Some things are between a person and God alone. And that, too, deserves respect.

#TGIF: My travel to Yunnan, part I

Ok yes, I am not on time this round. I missed out to post right at 8pm, in fact, I am writing this in real-time. It's 8.40pm, Friday 5th December and I just got home from work about an hour ago. I meant to write about my Yunnan trip but you guys...the thought of writing a very long post just exhaust me. I drafted something on my phone but it was non-coherent, just bits and pieces here and there. I don't know whether to make it informative or day to day breakdown or a reflection. In short, I was overwhelmed.

Hence why I procrastinated it until today, and I've decided, this post is going to be everything -- a bit informative, a bit of travelog and a bit of my reflection from the trip. You have to bear with me if it's end up going to be long. Here goes nothing.

This trip was planned so early, we (my three colleagues and I) booked the tickets kind of on a whim, back in May or June. We paid a hefty amount for the tickets, so please don't do that and wait for better timing to buy them. Compare prices with people who have gone, get know how low it can go. We decided to go right after 11.11 Sale, the best possible date was 14 - 25 November. We only started really planning for the trip in late September to October -- figuring out the itinerary, booking packages and allocating how many days do we want to stay at each city. 

On the day we leave, we were all working full day, still. It was a Friday and our flight was at 10pm, so might as well work the day normally. We took red-eye flight, which was not the best decision at the time because as we landed, it was 2am and nothing opens, we could not check in because our first hotel was in Dali and we landed in Kunming, our train to Dali was not until 7am. So we ended up hanging out at the airport, tired, hungry, sleepy and exhausted. We were also irritated with the amount of times we had to reject taxi drivers for offering rides repeatedly.

When it was time to go, we freshen up and took Didi (e-hailing in China, just like Grab) to Kunming train station. As soon as we sat on the train, we all crashed. Within minutes all of us fell dead asleep, only woke up like 15 minutes before arriving in Dali. It was a goooooood nap to say the least. We needed it. Arrived in Dali, we took another Didi to our hotel. It was a cute guest house overlooking Erhai Lake that I immediately fell in love with. The whole area was so quaint and lovely. It truly made me feel like I was in a K-drama -- it was the kind of picturesque view that you only see on TV. 

In Dali, because we only stayed for one night, we didn't get to do much except for exploring Erhai Lake, both around our hotel and a park at the other side of the lake that took us one hour drive to get to. Even though the stay at Dali was short, but I think it was what we needed -- a slow paced, quite city -- perfect as the first city we visit. 

Next city was Lijiang. If anyone visits Yunnan, Lijiang will be the main agenda. Both main attractions for Yunnan are here in Lijiang. So like everybody else, we did the same. First day in Lijiang was spent strolling around the ancient city. Every cities has their own ancient city that you must visit. They are all very quaint and unique in their own way. Lijiang's ancient city is very busy. Packed with people every night. Because our hotel in Lijiang was right in the middle of the ancient city, we naturally go out strolling around every night we were there, eating ice cream in 10°C. Immaculate vibes all around. I loved Lijiang. 

The next day was our trip up to Jade Dragon Snow Mountain (JDSM), Blue Moon Valley and we also watched Lijiang Impression Show. All these were in the same park area. This is the only thing we took a package for, all other things we did DIY. People would ask me how did we communicate with the locals -- it was fully via google translate guys. We could not speak an ounce of Mandarin, they can't speak or understand any English, so google translate was all we relied on. They also knew that they have to translate to English so often they were ready with their own translate app. We were among the first trip to go up the JDSM that day, it was only around 7.30AM when we got up there, the view was insanely breathtaking but I could not for the life of me stand how cold it was up there. The temperature was -5°C, the coldest my human body has ever experienced, but thankfully all of us felt okay going up that high. around 3000+m above sea level.

Blue Moon Valley was nothing too special, the valley itself was a-okay only but because it was also overlooking the snow mountain, the pictures you take have insane backdrop. Then Lijiang Impression Show was nice. The view that you get, overlooking the snow mountain was the main event itself. It was like a feast to the eyes. I cannot repeat this enough but it was gorgeous. The show was obviously in full Mandarin, I don't understand half of it, except for parts that translation were provided. Essentially it tells about the origin story of the ethnic groups of Lijiang. It was interesting. 

The next day we went to Tiger Leaping Gorge, fully DIY. This trip took a whole day too, only because the trip to TLG took 2 hours by bus, one way. So two hours going there and two more hours back to Lijiang. Truthfully, the place was not super fascinating. Maybe I was not into it as much, it it's water. However, I must say, the view along the journey was what made it worth it. Stunning all the way. 

Phew, this post has taken way too long to write and I am only halfway through, you guys! I will be stopping here for now, I will continue Shangri-La and Kunming in my next post, next week. I am sorry for not completing everything today but I think you'll get fatigue reading too long of a post anyway. 

Can you believe I only have 3 more Fridays to go?! Time flew! Please tell me whether or not I should continue #TGIF series next year? If yes, what else would you like to read about? See you next Friday :)

TGIF: The witness to your life

I’ve just finished reading Say You’ll Remember Me by Abby Jimenez last week during my travel to Yunnan. The whole concept of the book hits close to home, and I read it with a quiet sense of melancholy.

In the book, and I quote: That there is nothing more beautiful than being a witness to someone’s life. To know them inside and out and be with them through everything, share the same memories. A shared collection of experiences, like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger as it goes.

When we say we want someone to share our lives with, what do we really mean? Nothing has ever articulated it so accurately until I read those lines. I almost cried. Because it’s true: all we need is a witness to our lives. Someone who knows the big, the small, and everything in between.

That scar you have, no one else knows why or how it happened except your person. He knows exactly how it happened because he was there. He knows how long it took to heal because he was living parallel to your life.

I often think about all the milestones I’ll need to recap once I finally meet The One, because he’s missed so much: my first job, my promotions, the day I got my driver’s license, all the travels I took without him, the friends I made, the little stories tucked between moments. All my wins and all my failures he wasn’t a part of — and being 28, I have many.

I think the Universe is trying to remind me of this again and again. Recently, I came across a TikTok video on this exact topic, asking, “Why do people get married?” The answer was the same: because we need a witness to our lives. In marriage, we promise to care about everything — the good, the bad, the big, the small, and the mundane. Even the most trivial things. All of it, all the time, every day. Your life will not go unnoticed, because your person will notice it.

If you already have that someone, please know you have one of life’s greatest blessings — a gift not everyone gets to have. I have no idea if this gift is in store for me, but I do hope that for you, it is.
It’s a special thing to have a best friend for life, a safe place to come home to, and a vault for all your deepest secrets.

#TGIF: Through Their Eyes

 

The little hands tapping on the window,
eyes wide, full of wonder,
shrieks and gasps saying—
“Look at those! So beautiful!”

It’s the same view I see every day,

every commute to my 9–5.

I’ve long lost appreciation for it,

but to them, it’s all new.

I understand it now—

the role of a child:

to teach us to slow down and appreciate

the world once again,

to see through innocent eyes,

to find beauty in the everyday,

the kind that dulls over time.

I stand right behind,

smiling to myself, whispering thank-yous,

for showing me that life can be

ever exciting, ever thrilling, ever exhilarating—

even in the mundane,

if only I choose to see it that way.

- AZ

#TGIF: The thing that lingers

“He had a baby today”

“Damn. I would love to read your journal entry about this. Like I want to skinny dip right into your thoughts right now."

It was not a joke though I was trying to lighten the mood, knowing how this news may be hitting her like a truck. 

“There wouldn’t be enough papers for it. To describe how the world stopped for me this morning. I feel like crashing out, but at the same time like, ‘what am I doing’”

“It would literally be like that for me too.”

“I remember exactly where I was when I found out he got a gf, when he got engaged, when he got married, now had a baby.”

“Must’ve felt like little earthquakes each time.”

“Belum habis process the milestones then BAM! — a meteor”

“I get it, he’s 10 milestones ahead and it feels unfair that you are still at the restaurant” 

That’s a Taylor Swift reference, incase you don’t know. 

“Hard to admit but mentally I am still there. I don’t talk about it anymore, I thought I was past it. It’s fading but not fast enough.”

That’s the thing about unrequited love. It’s an open wound, gushing out blood at first but you ignore them, because time heals, right? It became an ugly, untreated scab and one trigger makes it bleeding again. You thought you were past it, dealt with it, moved on from it. But the truth is, it’s still there. Ignored, untreated, unaddressed. It sucks even more when it seems like you’re the only one experiencing it while the other person moved on, unaffected. You’re left feeling betrayed, angry or bitter. Or worse—all of them at once. 

Many had gone through similar experiences, myself included. The end of an almost-lover hurts more than an actual relationship because you’re haunted by the what-ifs and the could’ve beens. Often, it stays with you for years. You started dissecting conversations thinking “Did I read that wrongly?” “Did I imagined everything?” “Was all of that not real?”. Replaying every shared memories in your head wondering if it was one sided after all. 

It’s the endless questions you have, doing laps around the corner of your brain where the thought of him seems to have a permanent residence, knowing well you will never get the answers to. Some lucky enough to get closure, but many never did, silently grieving someone who no longer belongs — and maybe never truly did.

#TGIF: what happens when i'm happy?

Writer’s block can happen -- especially when there are deadlines to follow. I keep a strict schedule of posting every Friday, so I often need new ideas fast. But sometimes, the words just don’t flow.

At this point, I’d like to consider myself a writer -- self-proclaimed, yes. Writing has become part of my DNA. I love putting my feelings into words; it helps me regulate my emotions and discover myself along the way. Though most of what I write are personal reflections, I do hope people find comfort in them, that they see parts of themselves through my thoughts. Honestly, I can’t imagine not writing.

I once read that to be a good writer, you must read widely and deeply. I take that as my lifelong homework. To always read, relate, and learn. Writing isn’t as effortless as people might think. It’s rarely just a brain dump. It’s often planned, outlined, and intentionally crafted -- though nine times out of ten, it’s also emotionally woven.

Lately, though, I’ve felt stuck. Uninspired, even. I can write, but the words don’t feel as deep. They skim the surface -- safe, shallow, unrooted. I’ve gone back and forth, starting drafts I never finish because none of them feel right, or good enough, or at least appropriate to share.

It upsets me sometimes. Is this why writers keep ten drafts ready, just to pull one out when inspiration runs dry?

I’ve realized I write best when I’m most vulnerable -- when I’m in the thick of sadness, grief, or immense joy. But I’m not always in those extremes. So what happens when I’m somewhere in between?

#TGIF: My life in lists

Who else here chronically plan their life to the T? I do. I am the girl with the list, with plans and goals. I don't think I will be able to live fully and intentionally without it. I've been that girl as far back as I can remember and I think it gets more chronic now. It's both a positive and negative trait to have.

In school I had a list of homework and things to do, which is normal. In Uni I had study plans that's detailed. Especially nearing final exams, I even plan my hours for what I was going to study, down to the chapters I am covering. Until now I still prepare packing list for every single staycations/holidays/sleepovers and my sisters would be referencing my list to pack theirs. I don't know when or how it started, but I have always loved structure. 

I have yearly list, monthly list and 30 under 30 list -- which I will probably cover next time. Having goals and things to work towards has always put me in some sense of purpose, like I have something I am walking towards and better if it's something I can control. Like getting a degree or losing weight or writing every Friday until the end of 2025. It's attainable, measurable with success metrics clearly determined.

So naturally, every new year I have a list of goals I want to achieve. Though some might think it's so cliché having new year resolutions that one usually never achieve, I love having them. It puts me into focus mode. My year should have purpose, and it should be renewed yearly so you have things to look forward to. Right? 

Even beyond that, I love having monthly goals too. Separate from the yearly goals which usually includes the big things, monthly goals on the other hand are something simple like "make a dentist appointment". I would list down 5 things I want to do each month, usually things I've been putting off for so long. Like how I've put off registering for Hajj until this year, May. That's when I finally did it after delaying for years. Yeah, I know. And that made me so happy to finally tick it off. 

So this is me checking in with you - How's your 2025 resolution looks like and how is it progressing now that we are in September? Have you tick off most of them, or all of them, or none at all? You still have plenty of time to start evaluating them, and making effort to tick them off. It's not just about taking things off a list, it's about making things happen and holding yourself accountable. Live with purpose and walk towards the direction that one day you can look back and know you've lived meaningfully.

p/s: Yes, we live in accordance to Allah's plans. I am not saying you should control your life that you have no room for Allah's plans. No, you should plan, put effort and let Allah do the rest.

#TGIF: Love is always right on time

Taylor Swift just gave me a new sense of hope that love is possible. Okay here me out, I am actually nervous to write this entry. I thought I might write about this someday, but never this soon. I thought I would one day speak up about my experience with love and how frustrating it was on my part but it’s too vulnerable to let the whole world know. Writing about it means I am admitting it, which is really, really scary. And slightly embarrassing too. It’s something I’ve only admitted to a few I really trusted because a huge part of me wants to appear unaffected.

But what just announced in the pop culture world (ahem Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce’s engagement), inspired something in me. I thought I could share my unfiltered, unsolicited thoughts on it. I love seeing them together but I think the one lesson we could all learn from this is how important it is to never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Have deep, unrelenting trust that your person (truly and wholly your person) is out there for you. It might take a long time for you to finally meet that person, for the stars to finally align for you, but with due time, you’ll have that love you have been dreaming of. And for Taylor, the love she has been writing about for over 20 years. Because of that, my heart is happy for her.

Taylor and Travis are both 33 when they met each other, and then got engaged at 35. Even when they first started dating each other, I said to a close friend of mine “If Taylor only finds her person at 33, I have plenty of time to meet mine.” I have never felt more…at ease. Knowing that I am not late, in fact, I am right on time. It does not matter how long it will take if in the end the person for me is the one that will make the most sense. Everyone in my life will cheer and say “Tya, he is so perfect for you” and at that time I will not care of all the years I’ve waited, patiently praying for a man so great. It will all be worth it. 

Even if you’re not Taylor’s fan, you would agree that this man, matches her so perfectly. In every sense of the word. You can’t help but to root for them. I grew up listening to Taylor Swift’s albums. I know every heartbreak, every broken roads and wrong person. They are the literal example and living proof that there is a person that matches your energy, drive, wavelength, and someone that could supports your dreams and goals without compromising their own dreams and goals. Beyond that, you can see that they are already whole as individuals but together? They are better. You should be the added value to the other person's life, not the one filling in cracks and gaps. 

Remember, you will never be too much for the right person. He loves her so loudly and proudly. Dead set on pursuing her the moment he laid eyes on her and public can see that. It is so heartwarming to witness from afar. Travis always say that Taylor made him so much better as a person, and that's the kind of love you want, the one that makes you want to be better. On the flip side, that's the kind of love you deserve too, when someone tries to better themselves because you are worth putting effort for, and not giving the "you are too good for me" crap. 

I have stopped giving energy to people who made me feel less than or unworthy. It’s the most freeing and liberating feeling once I've put myself first in any given situation and quick to assess if I want to invest my energy in the relationship or not even if that means I end up protecting my peace a bit too tightly. But in the deepest part of my heart, I pray one day I get to experience the best kind of love too. Hate to admit, but all my life I have always been the second, the next best choice because the first choice is no longer available, the plan B, the safety net, the ‘incase this does not work, I still have you’ person. For once, let me be the only.

May the right kind of love find its way to me and you, however long it takes. In the meantime, live fully and love widely, fiercely. Let's not feel bad about wanting a very specific kind of love, be selfish with who you invest your time and attention to and be unapologetic about setting a standard that works for you. Life is too short to live in agony, and too long to spend it with the wrong person.

"I’m gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well."

White Horse, Taylor Swift

#TGIF: My favourite prayers

By the time this is posted, I am in Makkah to perform my first Umrah. This is also why I thought this would be the right topic to write about. It might feel a little performative, but I also want to share something beneficial while I’m in this holy place, in hopes that you could incorporate them into your daily lives too and became a form of jariah for me, InshaAllah.

I've started building a small habit of listening to morning zikir a while ago as I get ready, usually during work days. Some of the zikir in my rotation are:

• Doa Pagi - Specifically by Munif Ahmad (Hijjaz)
• Selawat Tafrijiyyah
• Zikir Taubat (only recently added to the rotation)
• Sayyidul Istighfar (also new)
• Qunut Nazilah
• Doa Dhuha (one of my favourite to "sing" to, lol)

I play these while getting dressed and doing my makeup. They help to quiet my anxiety, especially if I know the week ahead is packed. I try to keep up with this most days, though sometimes I skip and watch vlogs or listen to songs instead (balance, right?).

When I’m leaving the house (or while in the car), these are the doa I recite (in exact order) for protection and ease in my affairs;

1) بِسْمِ اللهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى اللهِ وَلَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللهِ

In the name of Allah, I place my trust in Allah, and there is no power nor might except with Allah.

2) رَبِّ يَسِّرْ وَلَا تُعَسِّرْ رَبِّ تَمِّمْ بِالْخَيْرِ

My Lord, make it easy and do not make it difficult. My Lord, make it end well.

3) اللَّهُمَّ لَا سَهْلَ إِلَّا مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلًا، وَأَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلًا

O Allah, there is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make difficulty, if You wish, easy.

4) يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

O Ever-Living, O Self-sustaining, and All-sustaining, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye.

5) Bismillah 5

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمَانِ الرَّحِيْم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

بِسْمِ اللهِ الشَّافِي

In the name of Allah, the Healer

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْكَافِي

In the name of Allah, the Sufficient

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْمُعَافِي

In the name of Allah, the One who grants well-being

بِسْمِ اللهِ الَّذِي لَا يَضُرُّ مَعَ اسْمِهِ شَيْءٌ فِي الْأرْضِ وَلَا فِي السَّمَاءِ وَهُوَ السَّمِيْعُ الْعَلِيْم

In the name of Allah, with whose name nothing in the earth nor in the heavens can cause harm, and He is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing.

6) Doa Nabi Sulaiman

إِنَّهُ مِن سُلَيْمَانَ وَإِنَّهُ بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ

It is from Solomon, and it reads: ‘In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.’ (Surah An-Naml: 30)

Doa Nabi Sulaiman is what I call magic doa. If you have difficulty dealing with people -- either your boss, clients, peers, colleagues, read this! And set the right intentions for Him to ease your affairs.

I read these with firm belief that Allah will take care of everything -- my life, my job, my safety, and my sustenance. It feels odd to miss this routine, and when I do, I can tell: the day feels heavier and harder to get through.

Lastly, in the final sujud of my prayers, I make this doa: 

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

My Lord, truly I am in need of whatever good You send down to me. (Surah Al-Qasas: 24)

This doa is very popular for finding jodoh, but I've practice this since I was probably 19, no jodoh in sight just yet, but this doa opened so many different doors for me instead! 

Hope this benefit some of you, and please pray for my health while I am here ;)

#TGIF: About nostalgia and past life

There was a time in my life when I thought we had found our forever home. A place where we could settle down, where us four sisters could grow up, and one day bring our children back to that home -- a place they could call their “kampung.” For the sake of this story, I’ll call this neighbourhood Moongate.

We moved into Moongate when I was seven. Before that, we were always KL people. It was a new neighbourhood for us, and Kajang in general was unfamiliar. But Moongate became home for most of my childhood. I grew up there and made so many momentous, lasting memories playing with the neighbourhood kids.

At the time, Kajang was still developing. An outskirt town that felt far and removed from the KL I knew. But the neighbours made us feel welcomed from the very first day. I remember even before we officially moved in, we’d spend our weekends cleaning the house or supervising renovations. We would see the kids playing in the streets. They’d watch us curiously as we were the 'outsiders'. Their mothers would come introduce themselves to my parents, and they were all so warm, friendly, and welcoming right from the start.

The memories I have from those ten years in Moongate will never leave me. School holidays were the best. We spent every weeknight and weekend outside playing. We made up our own version of Explorace, biked to neighbouring taman, and even camped (real tents and all) in my next-door neighbour’s one-car garage. I learned to play badminton, galah panjang, baling selipar, and so many other games. We were all trained to be active because most games were physical. There were more than twenty of us, all different ages but incredibly close. I loved those days.

Eventually, we had to move out of Moongate. I was seventeen, and to my own surprise, I wasn’t sad to leave. During those ten years, many things happened within the family, and I had grown to hate the house. I was ready to move on and start fresh elsewhere. We had all grown up, many of us had drifted apart, and it didn’t feel like there was anything left to miss. Since then, we’ve moved three times, even left Kajang for a while before eventually coming back. This town will always feel like home, even if the houses have changed.

Two weeks ago, we attended a wedding in Moongate. A neighbourhood kid I used to see all the time, now married. When was the last time you went to a wedding held in a neighbourhood? It’s such a lost tradition, but in Moongate, it’s still alive. I was left in awe of how everyone came together to make the celebration happen. They’re not related by blood, yet they are family. These are people who have watched each other’s kids grow up, graduate, move out, and get married.

It made me realise: this is what it means to be neighbours. This is what my family and I lost when we moved out. The people of Moongate are still as warm and welcoming as ever -- but I don’t share the same deep bond, the kind of found-family connection that they’ve built together over the years. I looked over to the house we spent many years in while I was there, the memories immediately played out before my eyes. It was nostalgic, to be back there. To be reminded of how I loved the people, the memories, and how much time has passed since.

#TGIF I am beaten: reflecting on life lately

credit @disruptiveberlin

I am going to be that girl now, I want to complain. I want to vent and I want to tell everybody that I am tired. These past few weeks has been so tough at work, and my health was not cooperating too. In fact, I think my body was reacting to the pressure. I was sick for three whole weeks, I was absent from the office more days in the last 3 weeks than I've done all year. It was tough to be fully present when work was at the same time, demanding. 

It got to a point where even my empathy can't catch up with me, it was out the window. I wasn't mean necessarily, but it did feel like I was passing my stress down. The 'if I'm pressured, you have to feel the same' kind of thing. Now I understand how pressure can cascade down, to the people you're working with. Which is not fair, when it's my own emotions I can't manage. I felt guilty, but I also can't help it.

The thing is, I do understand that this difficult is needed. The reality of striving for the life you wanted is having to accept what comes with it. You just don’t realize how much you need to sacrifice. It's going to be uncomfortable and overwhelming and stressful. Having to trade free time, comfort, peace of mind, for a more chaotic, stressful and demanding life. But in the end, it’s still something you really want, in hopes it will all be worth it. 

But then again, how dare I feel this way? Complaining when this is a privilege -- to feel tired from the job I love, to be overwhelmed by workload and responsibilities that I prayed for. It's a constant war in my mind between feeling grateful but still could not help to whine. I have to remember that this is temporary, it will be insignificant in three months. I won't remember any of this and I will be glad I pushed through. A girl can't help but to complain a little.

#TGIF The family I chose

I'm going to be honest with you: I’ve been putting off writing this for a few weeks now. I kept finding other topics to write about instead. Not because this one isn’t important, it's quite the opposite. It’s so important to me that I wanted to write it right. But no matter how much thought I put into it, I don’t think anything I write can truly encapsulate how I feel about my female friends.

If you follow me on my other platforms, you probably already know that I talk about my girlfriends all the time. Some might even say I overshare. But for a long time, it didn’t occur to me that what I have with them is rare. That not everyone gets to experience a friendship like this -- a support system, a constant, a chosen family. And some days, I catch myself marveling at the rarity of it. Because let’s be honest: it’s not easy to find even one friend you can click with, let alone a group you grow with, evolve with, and still hold onto after all these years.

I’m not going to sugarcoat things and pretend we haven’t had our rough patches. We’ve disagreed, drifted apart, even stopped talking for months at one point. Especially during the transition from adolescence to adulthood, when we started to take different paths -- different universities, different friends, new environments. For a while, it felt like we were speaking different languages. But even then, we always found our way back to each other. We always chose to come home to this friendship. At least that's how I felt.

I  think often about how different I would be if I didn’t have them. Especially in those fragile years where you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, and where you’re headed. They’ve been there through all of it. We’ve witnessed each other’s growing pains, celebrated so many firsts together, and shared milestones that have shaped us. I've seen the girls get married, found the love of their lives, get promoted, moved to new places and recently, gave birth. And the most exciting part is? There’s still so much more ahead of us.

As I grow older, I have that fear at the back of my mind that we would outgrow each other somehow. But then I look at us, the foundation we've built, the effort we've put into this friendship (now more than ever) to constantly show up and be in each other's lives and the times we could have drifted and we didn't, it restored my faith. 

This friendship has been the grounding force in my life. It’s influenced how I think, what I value, and how I see the world. It’s fueled me, challenged me, humbled me, and healed me. Even in the moments when I didn’t realize I needed saving, they were there. Not as people who complete me, but as people who reflect the very best of who I am.

Beyond this circle, I’ve been lucky enough to find sisterhood in other phases of life too. Through university, work, and unexpected places in between. Some of those connections have faded, as things naturally do, but they’ve each taught me something. Still, this core group -- the girls who have seen me at my best and worst -- are the ones I keep closest to my heart.

So here it is, written in the only language I know how, a love letter to the women who have shaped me, held me, grown with me. At this point I hope they all know how much this sisterhood means to me. I have written letter after letter addressed to each of them, and now for all of you to know this too.

Thank you for the love, the joy, the life shared. I hope we never stop choosing each other.