Day #1

A lesson you have learned from you granpa

I never had the chance to meet both of my grandfathers, unfortunately. I heard stories about them. Mum lost her father when she was in University. Probably when she was 20. Even Dad didn't get the chance to meet him. Dad however lost his in 1998. I was about a year old but I obviously did not remember a thing. 

Name

Full name is Attelya Zurin binti Abdul Hamid. As in IC. I alwayssss drop 'binti' every time I write down my name. My family and my friends call me Tya. I only prefer people who are close to me to use that nickname on me or else I prefer you calling me Attelya. Formal, and appropriate. 

Questions & tags

Just like last year where I did February tag, I will do the same this year but the tags/questions I got are pretty simple and straightforward. Therefore, I will be combining two sets of question. One will end earlier than the other but that's fine. I will start on February 1st, it's my favourite month, that's why. Hahah

My Monday

My first, actual entry of 2019! (The first one was Wordless Wednesday but that doesn't count). HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS! It's the last week of January, phewww! Unlike last year, January this time around is actually pretty dang fast. I finished my finals on the 13th and started internship on the 22nd. I had exactly a week break before internship starts. 

Internship so far...... is okay. Nothing much to do, a lot of reading and researching on my own instead of doing things. It's fine with me but I felt like studying instead of working. At least not yet because I know in the near future I will have things and actual work to do. However, I do hope that this will be a golden experience for me.

Aahh, kerja macam ni made me miss working at TTP a heck lotttt! If you are an OG reader, you would know where I worked right after SPM as well as foundation studies. Gahhh, I miss the people and the job itself. It was tiring but I had a ton of fun with all of the co-workers. I miss my Boss who were very patient, caring and kind to me. I met him a lot at his workplace when I was in Kajang but since I moved here, I lost the chance to meet him during semester break. 

I cannot believe I actually enjoyed working like that more than what I do right now. I was hoping that the environment here would be similar if not the same. But nope, everything is completely far except for the working space is a lot more comfortable and I just sit all day versus standing for long 9 hours. But lets be real, no two place is the same and no two experience is identical. I am sure I eventually will appreciate the experience and knowledge I will be picking up here.

Happy working to my classmates, all the best! I will see you guy in one a half month. Happy Monday to the rest of you 😜

p/s: It's Tuesday when this entry went up!

Wordless Wednesday #5

'19

This year, I will be 21 and I hope for nothing else, but to be a responsible adult, for my own good. I want to be an independent woman and not to depend on others as much. I want myself to grow more mature mentally. By appearance, I already look older than my age 😅 To love myself more and appreciate the people around me.

A paragraph I wrote a year ago became a curse to me all year long. 'I want to grow mature mentally' little did I know 2018 will be the year that my mental strength is extremely tested. In my last entry, I have done a recap on how this year has been for me. Alhamdulillah I survived until the very last day of 2018 despite the challenges.

To be honest guys, I did not do great for this year. I did not achieve most of my resolutions. Probably all, who am I kidding? I am not proud of it but I did struggle my way through it. One thing for sure, I do think that I did pretty good on being responsible and I am a lot more mature mentally. As for the rest of the resolutions;

- I did start cooking. I live away from parents for awhile so I had to cook meals myself but simple dishes though. You didn't expect me to cook Beriyani, did you? 😆 I helped Mum cook a heck lot because of her health condition so I pick up a lot of skills/knowledge from that as well.

- No sign of driving license yet. I know...

- I did pretty good in taking care of myself. I would give myself credit on that because I am a lazy person when it comes to skincare. But this year I took care of my skin and majority of the time my skin behaved so well. Except for that time of the month or when I am really stressed out. One or two pimples would show up. For body, I love how it is now. I have nothing to complain but mental health... not so much. I will do better next year.

- This one is the biggest disappointment LOL. I only managed to watch like.....10 lectures? I have no reason for that because I don't want to give lame excuses for why I can't do it. Excuses are for losers. I own up to my laziness. Forgive me God.

- I started reading again! However I only finished one book. The rest are still ongoing. There are like 4 ongoing books huhu it is so hard to find time!

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

After that I go through this year, I am nervous and scared of how 2019 will turn out to be. But deep inside, a part of me is screaming with excitement. I pray that however next year will be, I hope I am strong to face everything. With final semester and internship coming, I know that I will for sure be under a lot of pressure. I just need to be mentally ready and prepared for that.

Since what I said for this year came true and became a 'curse', therefore I hope 2019 brings happiness, success, and love. A lot lot of love. For myself, family and friends. Eternal, unconditional, greatest, purest of love. I also pray for Him to bless me with His love and blessings always. To protect me and the people I care for from harm and danger, from sickness and sadness.

I am very grateful for what 2018 has taught me. The experiences and the lessons. The new people in my life and the ones who left. I appreciate all of it.

Happy New Year, guys. Have a great one 🎉💛

2018 Wrap up

I will begin by saying that 2018 has been the toughest year I have ever gone through my entire life.

That is a big, and such a strong thing to say, but lord, I can't even describe how this year has challenged my mental to its maximum capacity (yet). I feel like each month in 2018 had been brutal to me. 

January was the most okay month where I only gone through a mental breakdown for a paper for finals. It was Parasitology paper. I remember I didn't get a minute of sleep because I was scared I couldn't do it. I might even fail the paper (which I didn't alhamdulillah). I was freaking out the night before the paper, I was crying, I need my mother at that time but I was in Shah Alam. I couldn't answer the paper though, as expected but I guess my carry mark helped a lot.

In February my best friend lost her beloved father. The first loss for us. A very kind Uncle that I've known for years. I wrote about this in an entry. I felt helpless and obviously sad for her. We checked on her every other day after that to make sure she's okay. I have always knew that she is strong but after what happened, I realized that she is more than just strong. She's incredible. I can't imagine being in her place, juggling between being the eldest to her siblings, the daughter that her mother solely rely on to and being a student. 

We moved in March. I bid Kajang goodbye. The hardest decision yet. The most bitter goodbye. This is probably the trigger to all my emotional breakdowns after that. I felt lost ever since we moved. I felt alone, distant. The feeling sucks. I can't see my friends as often as I did when I was still in Kajang. I can't always say yes to invitations, to mcd or mamak sessions because I'm not there anymore. To some that might not be an issue, but to me, it is. We are really close to each other. We see each other a lot. Amy and Mama was not really affected by the move though. Mama can blend in and cope to change so well. But for the rest of us... It was a big change. Subang is a completely different place to me. New people, new home, new environment. It was weird, it was awkward. Kajang will always be home to me, for all of us.

Talking about leaving, I was also sad about leaving Kristal View, my rental house in Shah Alam that I shared with 9 others. For someone who easily get attached to people, leaving KV was quite hard too. I love my housemates and I love the happiness I feel whenever I was there. I was blessed with kind souls, funny, caring, bright and lovely people. But I also knew that leaving was the right thing to do at that moment. I moved nearer to UiTM so there was no reason for me to spend money on something that is unnecessary. Plus my parents need me more at home.

This year is also the year where my parents' health deteriorate so much. Dad's thyroid level was so high that he almost had to drink radiation water. But thank goodness it went down after a few months. Mum had carpel tunnel syndrome that made her hand movement become so restricted. She had it since last year but it gotten worse to the point that she can't do things like cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning. So it had to be us. Early this month she got a surgery done on her right hand and it took around two weeks for recovery. That was the hardest part where for most things, I had to do. I would be okay with it if I was on semester break or any break but it was week 14, Amy was busy, Kakak was on confinement still. It was horrendous. Will get back to this later.

Just when I thought 2018 would not be so bad, I then lost two Uncles in a span of a month. I wrote about this in an entry and up until now, I still can't wrap it around my head. I was heartbroken. I kept asking How? Why? I'm sure some of you may have experienced a time in life where unfortunate things happened one after another. That was exactly how I felt (still feel like that for 2018). I lost a lot of people this year, I let go a lot of people. I left a relationship that was not 'direstui'. A year of talking and being friends had to be put to an end just because a lot of people a care for did not like us being together. I felt bad but it felt right to listen to people around me. Maybe they saw things I didn't.

Final year is stressful, obviously. I have only tasted half of it and I am already feeling the heat. Next semester I predict that it will be a glimpse of hell. I will be in the worst mood everyday, looking like a walking zombie and avoiding people all the time. I can be sure on that.

I can write forever on why 2018 sucks for me but I also want to stress on the good part of 2018. It is mainly Imaan Medina. I was over the moon when I got to know my sister was pregnant. We waited 3 years for this moment. The day she was born was probably the happiest day in 2018 for me. I love her, with all my heart. She is perfect.

Imaan Medina captured by sharpshooter_photographer (on instagram)
Go check her out guys she's awesome!

Imaan, you have all of my love. Thank you for making 2018 better with your existence.

Updates

Salam everyone!

I feel really happy for the fact that I am able to write again. I don't know why do I miss blogging so much even though my last entry was not even that long ago... I pernah tak post for even longer than this. But I guess it's only because I have a lot to say.. BUT I will save that for another entry where I will be recapping 2018. 

Can you believe that we are at the end of the year already? Yet again? Damn.... Scary how time flies. Anyway, I am finally done with classes this semester. My week 14 ended today! Relieved.... so much relief. Right now, it feels kinda weird not having to do anything (assignments, FYP etc) even though I still need to study for finals 😛

Next entry will go up soon InshaAllah. Unlike previous years where I do recap when we step into January, this year I will be posting it early, probably next week as I have nothing to do and also because I already have words in my mind; I gotta write them down fast.

Being a girl

I wish your future husband good luck - Mum

I was in the kitchen earlier today helping Mum prepare lunch when I mention about how I don't like kitchen work. I hate cooking, doing the dishes, siang ikan and all the other things you do in the kitchen. I hate it. I told her I would do laundry over and over again but not cooking. 

You would already know what she said to me after.. Hehehe 

Jadi perempuan ni memang la semua ni kena tahu, kena pandai buat bla bla bla..

Then we got to Mum wishing my future husband good luck. 

I'm not gonna get married.

Yea, right (mocking tone)

You see, this is exactly why I said it. I don't want to get married if I'm going to be told to do this, to be perfect at this, to know how to do this and that and this. Why is that? I honestly cannot wrap it around my head the actual essence of getting married. Why do we have to marry, even? Is this why we marry? I do not wanna use labels here but man, being a Malay girl is really hard. Pressuring. 

I think being a girl in general is already really stressful. Being born as a Malay girl made it worse. It is already a pressure being an anak dara, I can only imagine how much more pressuring it is being married. I am expected to know how to cook and be good at it, I need to take care of my body and look good for the husband, I have to be able to give birth and be a good mum. Without all these, I am not considered a good wife. 

I know, I know in some of you guys' heads you will be thinking 'Tya you're only 21, why are you talking about all this already'. It is because I have already being fed by all of the do's and don'ts. Mum has been telling (read: nagging) us sisters on this matter since we were still in primary school. Plus I am 21, and I am "expected" to get married in the next few years. I don't blame her for her conservative mind, she is very traditional when it comes to this matter and that was how she was raised my my grandmother. That has made her an amazing mum that can do literally everything. Truly, I look up to her. I wanted to be like her but in my own way.

But it is now a different time and era. Girls nowadays have so much to achieve, and we would want to reach for the stars too. We want a good career, comfortable life, expensive cars that we worked hard for. I have seen so many dreams go down the drain after a girl got married. Some couldn't further their studies, some quit jobs and that scares the crap out of me. I am an overachiever and just thinking about that, made marriage life even more unattractive. 

I respect everyone's life decisions. Some people put marriage as a goal in life, some others want to have a comfortable life before settling down and that's fine too. I rasa I dah lari dari topic sebenar. Perbualan di dapur became a whole topic LOL. I just want to put it out there that I hate cooking (and related activities) and that doesn't mean I am less of a woman. To conclude, being born with XX chromosome is hard. Bye.

P/s: Shout out to all girls. All struggling girls ♡

10 things you probably don't know about me

I feel like after a few years of blogging and being active on social medias, I have exposed a lot of things about myself. However, there might still be things that you don't know. You can leave your comment if you actually already know the things I'm about to tell 😝 

1 - I kept a t-shirt from when I was.......3(?) and I use it as a cloth to brush it against my cheek and I go to sleep with it. Sama mcm concept bantal busuk la but this is baju. (I can't believe I just exposed myself OMG) I only able to get rid of it early this year. 

2 - I should be having more than 4 siblings. My Mum had multiple miscarriages. 

3 - I only attend kinder garden for a year and then I quit duduk rumah tunggu Dyna balik tadika. #BOSS I sorang je tak ada gambar graduation tadika because I only went when I was 5 years old. When I was 6, I stayed at home teman my maid hahah

4 - I took taekwando sampai tali pinggang Kuning 2. JE. But I still remember most of the moves.

5 - I tak takut lipas atau cicak

6 - I was named after Atilia Haron (google her if you don't know her)

7 - I tak makan any animal punya insides. No hati, paru, pedal. Nope.

8 - I HATE cucur udang. I don't know why even thinking about it dah rasa lain macam dekat tekak.

9 - Zurin is not my father's name. Many people think that it is my Dad's. It's ours.

10 - I did so bad in school during standard 4 - 6 to the point I failed my Bahasa Melayu paper 2. My teachers did so well in preparing me for UPSR or else I would flop. 

Extra - I tak pernah hafal sifir. I survived anyway and at this point I don't need to hafal hiks.

Wordless Wednesday #4

Of rain and shine

Disclaimer: I started writing this entry in early September and only had the time to finish writing it now. 

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

The past month has been a roller coaster ride for me, emotionally. There were so much emotions going on throughout the month of August. One day I was happy and another day I cried my heart out.

Those who follow me on Instagram might already know, I lost two uncles, each were separated by exactly one month. Honestly I don't even know how to explain my feelings and thoughts. Even right now, writing this, I feel like my words are just all over the place. I'm sorry if this entry is a mess.

To begin, on 31st July we got the news of the passing of my uncle (from Dad's side). Truthfully, my whole life, I was never really closed to him. We would meet during every other raya or whenever he comes to stay the night at our house. BUT, ever since he fell sick early this year, I felt closer to him as we (my family and I) go back and forth the hospital to look after him. I can't tell you clear enough of how the situation was, or how pitiful I felt when I look at his face and knowing that I can't do anything. That morning when we got the news, I felt terrible. I cried and cried and I could've sworn, I did not even cry that bad when Nenek passed away. If you have been here long enough, you know how sad I was when Nenek passed away. This one beat that. The last time I met him was on my cousin's wedding, (just about a week before he's gone) we sent him to the LRT station after the event and his last words to us family were "I love you all". I will never forget that.

Shortly after, I went to JB and day trip to SG with the girl friends. It was our first ever trip together. Not to forget it was also my first time abroad. Yeap. I had waaay too many firsts with them, this is just one of many. It was fun, I had the best time (except for that one time I was being a total pain in the butt, I was moody and annoying only to find out my period came the next day lol I'm so sorry frens).

The next week, my other cousin got married (from Mum's side). This was probably the most awaited wedding heheh. We have been bugging Kak Wanie with the question "Bila nak kawin?" for years and years, finally the day came. We were all so happy and grateful. I was the pengapit btw 😅

Raya Haji fell on the 22nd August and all of us were supposed to celebrate it at Paklong's house in Sepang but that morning we got the news that Paklong was rushed to the hospital. It was already an emotional day for all of us and it got worst when Paklong wrote Mum a note (bcs he couldn't talk so he wrote instead) "I dont think I can make it this time, Ita". Water works. Even the gentlemen. We all cried.

31st August. He left us. I lost yet another uncle and he is someone that I love so deeply and respect so immensely. He loved to tease us, his jokes will always be a fond memory to me. He appreciated my massaging talent as he always puji how good I urut. One time he came all the way from Sepang (despite of not being well himself) just to have me massage him. I felt so so honored and nobody has ever appreciated my ability that way. To this day I still cannot believe he left us and it is really awkward to call him as arwah Paklong. 

Full circle of 31 days had my emotions went from sad to happy to content to sad again and that's just how life works. And to be frank with you, this is just a sneak peek of how this whole year has been to me. A lot to handle, a lot to comprehend, way too many emotions. 

To both of my late uncles, I pray that your world over there is much much better than life on Earth. We will meet again soon, until then I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Al-fatihah.