4 am

3.50 am, sat up straight on my bed, turned on my laptop that has been abandoned for nearly a month since I got back from Shah Alam, and put my Spotify on shuffle. What are the odds that the first song played is that one song I would want to avoid at times like this? I burst into tears. For all I know, this rarely happens.

It's currently 4 am as I'm typing this. You would know that this entry, isn't planned beforehand. I hope this post turns out sappy, sad and melancholy, just exactly how I feel right now. One of the very few nights that I feel terrible, lonely and sad to the point I hope I don't have feelings so that I won't be feeling this way ever again.

So when exactly the last time did I posted an entry like this? 2 years ago? A post that reveals the pathetic side of me. A post that will remind you that I'm just a normal 21-year-old female, who does feel sad sometimes and are allowed to have breakdowns once in a while. 

For someone that keeps things within herself, do not know how to open up to people, especially on things that involve feelings, I have reached my limit. It hurts to keep it all to yourself, doesn't it? I made a promise to myself that this blog will NOT be the place I vent out about personal things. I was more of an open book on this matter, but that was then. I learnt that not everyone cares, they only want to know.

I stopped writing on my sad days, I only write on my happy days. I avoided writing when I feel lonely, when I can't sleep at night just overthinking. Neither did I text anybody. I guess all of that just got bottled up in my chest and right now, I just can't hold it anymore. I burst into tears.

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

How come that it is already 21st Ramadan? We have only 8 days left! And that means we are already in the last 10 days of Ramadan; which is the phase of forgiveness. Alhamdulillah. 

Six years ago, in the month of Ramadan, Allah has opened my heart to take another step in the journey of being a better Muslim. I have been so grateful that I took that step and even more grateful that I did it as early as fourteen year old. Not even once that I feel like going back or that I regret changing so early. Deciding to put on the hijab was not hard, to be honest. The challenge was to make sure that what I do, and my character reflects the hijab I wear on my head. I take this as a blessing from God and to appreciate this blessing I have to please Him. 

I am no near good and just like other people, I sin on daily basis. Intentionally or unintentionally. Not one soul is perfect and so am I. But God is merciful and He will forgive as long as you ask for forgiveness. 

Yesterday I was reminded on why I started wearing the hijab. I had a moment of flashback and was brought to tears.. I love how little things just remind you of the decisions you made in the past, and knowing that you made the right decisions. I was in the class of my least favorite subject, answering a test paper. I sat at the most front, right in front of my lecturer's table. While answering the paper (it was hard, btw) I saw my lecturer writing down our marks for quiz on the mark sheet. She told us that most of us didn't do well. I was convinced that I did bad because like I said, I don't favor the subject. 

I keep on looking at the quiz papers to peek on my marks so that when I get it I won't be disappointed. While she was doing that, she also divide the papers into two categories; the ones that did well, and the ones that need improvements. I waited for my paper and then I saw it, on the former stack. The ones that did well. 

I was surprised and started to feel a lump in my throat. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I studied for that subject. I am lost in most of the lectures and hardly focus. In simpler words, I was slacking for that particular subject. But God is still so kind and merciful even when I do things half-assed. What else can I ask for? 

When I first decided to put on the hijab, the situation was almost like this. I had everything. God just give and give and give and I all did was take. My grades at that time was great, I almost did not feel the burden of studying. He made it SO easy for me that I felt like I don't deserve His kindness. What did I do to deserve this, ya Allah? I did not cover up, I did not perform my prayers but why do You still give me what I wanted? 

I was so ashamed of myself and felt so selfish. I knew that I have to start being grateful and actually showing my gratitude to Him, by doing things in His favor. I thank Allah for His bounteousness and blessings that He has showered upon me. May He forgive me if I ever feel ungrateful.

Blessed Month

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

Ramadan Mubarak everyone! Blessed to be given this opportunity again this year, alhamdulillah. Ramadan has always been one of my favourite months of the year. Just like everybody else, I have goals too. But this year is a little different. My goal isn't to khatam the Quran or pray more, or even to qiamullail every night. I just want to dress modestly. 

Those who know me, you'd know I have changed the way I dress. Yes, I notice and I know others do too. I have yet to explain why I did what I did, I don't think that needs any explanation. It just happened. Things changed, and I realized that 'change' should not be rushed. I feel like I have skipped certain phase or 'level' in my journey that made me look like I am going on a reverse mode, at some point. I miss the way I dressed, but I have not once regretted my decision. No two journeys are the same, and what I decide for myself might never work for you. 

Do note that I am still the same person I was, I haven't changed on the inside. My stand, opinions, and how I view at things are still the same. My love towards the deen does not deteriorate, in fact it grows everyday. I believe that how you dress does not determine how you are on the inside. I see a lot of Muslim women have the kindest and purest hearts despite them not covering perfectly.

However I have learnt a lot from this change. I learn to never judge people based on how they dress. They might be better than you are. They might have stronger connections to Allah than you do. Also, another thing that I learn is that, men will treat you differently based on how you dress. I can see the difference on how they treat me (first-hand experience) when I dress the way I did few years back, compared to now. Oh my god, I am truly disgusted. But yes, it truly is a lesson for me to learn. It goes back to you. If you respect yourself, people will respect you. They would not talk to you as if you are an object. Sexual object, to be precise.  

So this Ramadan, I hope to dress modestly for Allah and for myself. Whatever you wish to achieve this Ramadan, in the end, our goals are only one-- to please Allah. May Allah ease it for me, for you and for everybody else in our journey to be the best Muslim we can be. InshaAllah.

Missing

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Hello everyone, how's everything? I hope all of you are doing good. I'm feeling fine, just recovered from bad flu and cough. I am not completely healed yet, but doing so much better now. Alhamdulillah. You know, I rareeeely get sick. I can say I get sick like once a year. ONCE. I have sinus and yes, my nose is super sensitive so I always get the 'sinus flu'. But those who have sinus would definitely know, flu that you get because of sinus and flu because of a virus are two totally different flus. 

Anyway, I missed writing. I caught myself talking to myself a lot, it is a habit of mine but I find myself doing it a lot more lately.. That's when I know, I must blog. I skipped the whole entire month of March, and it's mainly because there were a lot of things happening and I really don't have the time to sit and write. 

New semester has started, and I have been busy with classes and just life in general. I'm halfway through the semester now as we are already in week 7. It's really crazy.. The last time I posted, I was still on semester break, and now... sikit lagi cuti semester lagi 😅 I can't tell yet how this semester is going to be because I'm still calm and honestly I have been YOLO-ing all  my tests and quizzes and I wasn't scared or nervous. It's weird.. I'm always the type yang would gelabah kalau tak habis revise even if it's just for a quiz. I don't know what's up with me these days.

Some of you might also know that, I've moved. After 14 years living in Kajang, we bid goodbye. I felt sad, of course. I know it will not be the same anymore. I can't go for McD or mamak session with my friends at night anymore, I won't be able to be there for my friends if they need me as quickly. You know what I mean, right.. It's not just because of friends.. Kajang is the place I grew up. I spent 7 years of my life in KL but it wasn't the same as Kajang because I was small, I basically didn't remember most of it. With Kajang, it's different.

I mentioned about our last move here too, now four years later, we moved again. Crazy how I've documented so much of my life here.. 

DAY 28

What is your favourite thing about Friday nights right now?

Knowing that the weekend is here! Every Saturday we would go and gather with Mum's family and honestly I've been doing that for 21 years now and I still get all excited to meet them. Every week guys, without fail. 

It's the end of the challenge(?)! I don't even know it is a challenge or what but I made it! I have completed the questionnaires (skipped a few days, but still). Thank you for actually coming back everyday and read every entry, I truly appreciate it. 

I will write again soon 😊

DAY 27

How are you feeling today?

I feel absolutely great. I turn 21 today, alhamdulillah. I can still remember my entry last year when I turned 20, I freaked out and I had so many feelings about turning 20. Adulthood really is something, or maybe it was just me. I just felt like I had to achieve as much as I can in my 20s and I felt really pressured by it. 

Fast forward a year later (today), when I look back, I actually feel like I've been handling it well. I am happy that I get to achieve everything I wanted when I first turn 20, I wrote about it too. My life as a 20-year-old lady sailed smoothly, alhamdulillah for that.

I am a year older now, hopefully a lot wiser. Today has been so good ever since the clock strikes 12 am. Received wishes from friends from school, foundation, degree, my housemates, the girlfriends, my family.. Some of the wishes touched my heart, I felt so so loved. 

Received a surprise bouquet of chocolates too! It was really funny to think about it because I have never received such thing.. I was left in shock for a good 30 minutes guys, I'm not even kidding. I felt really happy and grateful to be having kind souls in my life. I must've done something right in the past to be blessed with you people. 

My hope this time around is for me to be a better version of myself in every aspect there is. To be wiser in making decisions as what we do today, will determine our life years to come. Always be careful with my words, my actions. To speak only when necessary as words kill, and if you have nothing good to say, remain silent. I aspire to be kinder to everyone around me, to appreciate their presence a lot more, and to always make them feel like they are important to me, because they really are. 

Thank you to those who wished me, made time to call, sent me long birthday wishes, posted ig story dedicated for me, you guys made me happy today. It's true when people say, it's the thought that counts. No fancy things are needed, this is more than enough. God just gives me more and more reasons to be grateful for, when He brings you guys into my life. You guys know you who are 💘

DAY 26

What are three things in this past month that you're thankful for?

1. Mum and Aunt went back home safely from performing Umrah.

2. My small but precious circle of girlfriends. 

3. The way I was raised by my parents. I truly believe who I am today is the outcome of their didikan. 

May I add another;

4. For all the life lessons I've learnt throughout this month. Wallahi it has been eye-opening.

DAY 25

What are three things from this past month that have been surprising?

1. My results. I expected the worst (learnt from experience), but alhamdulillah it turned out to be better than I expected.

2. The gossips of the entertainment world. Not gonna mention what are those.. 

This place must be clean and positive LOL

3. The other day I lay it on the line to someone regarding something. I was trying to be frank and surprisingly that person take it with an open heart. It went well, I obviously thought it would end badly though...

DAY 24

What are you watching on television these days?

Keeping Up With The Kardashians. 

Godddd, I love them.

DAY 23

What made you laugh today?

I don't think I laughed today that is significant enough for me to remember, I laughed and giggled to Amy's goofiness and that's it. It was all serious today as we went and visit my other uncle in the hospital and went back still talking and discussing about him. 

DAY 22

What's something that you're currently excited about?

I have two;

1. Me turning 21.

2. Entering semester 4 in a week.