#TGIF I am beaten: reflecting on life lately

credit @disruptiveberlin

I am going to be that girl now, I want to complain. I want to vent and I want to tell everybody that I am tired. These past few weeks has been so tough at work, and my health was not cooperating too. In fact, I think my body was reacting to the pressure. I was sick for three whole weeks, I was absent from the office more days in the last 3 weeks than I've done all year. It was tough to be fully present when work was at the same time, demanding. 

It got to a point where even my empathy can't catch up with me, it was out the window. I wasn't mean necessarily, but it did feel like I was passing my stress down. The 'if I'm pressured, you have to feel the same' kind of thing. Now I understand how pressure can cascade down, to the people you're working with. Which is not fair, when it's my own emotions I can't manage. I felt guilty, but I also can't help it.

The thing is, I do understand that this difficult is needed. The reality of striving for the life you wanted is having to accept what comes with it. You just don’t realize how much you need to sacrifice. It's going to be uncomfortable and overwhelming and stressful. Having to trade free time, comfort, peace of mind, for a more chaotic, stressful and demanding life. But in the end, it’s still something you really want, in hopes it will all be worth it. 

But then again, how dare I feel this way? Complaining when this is a privilege -- to feel tired from the job I love, to be overwhelmed by workload and responsibilities that I prayed for. It's a constant war in my mind between feeling grateful but still could not help to whine. I have to remember that this is temporary, it will be insignificant in three months. I won't remember any of this and I will be glad I pushed through. A girl can't help but to complain a little.

#TGIF Books that left a mark

I am not going to sit here and act like I've read many books or that I am such an avid reader. I am not. I am in fact, a slow reader, I take my time when it comes to reading. I at most read 3 books a month, but usually only one. That means, I have not read that many books to be qualified to pick 5 best books to recommend to you. So I will preface this, you can take my recommendations, or you don't. No hard feelings.

The books I'm going to list down are the books that 1) I wish I can read again and feel the same impact it gave me. 2) Impacted me in different ways, either hits way too close to home or guided me through specific time of my life. Books should be able to speak to you, describes feelings you can't find words to. These books did that for me. Naturally, these are my 5-star rated books.

1) Khaled Hosseini - The Kite Runner

Is it even a valid list if there are no Khaled Hosseini in the list? It can't be. I have read all of his books, including the short poem and I can confidently say, The Kite Runner is my favourite of his. Like on top, for real. It touches on friendship, betrayal and loyalty so deep and so pure that you can physically feel the pain the characters feel. 

Not only that, the writing is just so complete. I don't know how else do I describe it, but I can tell you one thing -- every scene in this book is intentional. You will find the relation and the purpose of why that scene was written. Every single word, adds up to the plot. It's such a perfect book. A classic. Will always recommend it.

One thing I truly love about KH's books are the scenery he paints. I have never been to Afghanistan, and probably never will but I feel connected to Kabul, the capital, through his books. It's true that people say reading can take you places you've never been to. And I believe Afghan was such a beautiful place before the war and political turmoil. It probably still is a magical place, for all I know.

2) Khaled Hosseini - A Thousand Splendid Suns

Have you seen the rave for this book? As a woman, I would absolutely urge women to read this book. But beyond that, men please read this book too. You will understand unspoken struggles women go through, of course in Afghanistan will be different circumstances, but generally, it gives you the idea of how women are often seen, or expected to be and behave. 

KH write this book like he actually live as a woman, which blows my mind how articulate and spot on he is with the reality of being a woman. Even in this day and age where it should be 'modern' per say, there are still underlying expectations and discrimination women face.

Another thing I really admire about KH's writing and it's super consistent across all his books is how he able to write a story that goes on for years. All three of his novels follows the characters from childhood to old age and you still able to stay engaged and interested. He gets you so freaking invested with the characters. 

3) Coco Mellors - Blue Sisters

I have previously talked about this book in another entry. What else do I say? I have not changed my mind on this book, and I get sad when other people did not find this book as good as I did. But somehow I do understand because not everyone can relate to the life of having sisters. 

This book is deeply relatable to me, and it is because I live with sisters. 4 sisters, just like the book. I understand the grief, the dynamic of having sisters and how you can be so different from each other but so damn connected at the same time. There is no connection in this world is as strong and solid as sisters relationship. You can ignore it all you want, but it's always going to be there.

I saw a tiktok about the person saying, your relationship with your siblings is even stronger than of you & your parents. This is because, you are only half of each your parent, but you are 100% your siblings. I was left in awe at that discovery, it's so obvious, but I have never see it that way. It's so true though. My sisters are everything to me.

4) Allison Trowbridge - Twenty Two: Letters to a Young Woman Searching for Meaning

I read this when I was 25 going 26, I think but the contents of this book hits too close to home. I was feeling a little bit lost and behind during that year of my life. Reading this book feels like a big sister talking to me that it's okay not having it all figured out yet. 

We all are so used to chasing and running towards specific end goal, we berate ourselves when we didn't get there fast enough, or within the timeline that we planned. Truth is, we are exactly where we needed to be. You are meant to be here, you are meant to 'be late' and 'behind'. If we remove our hold on where we're supposed to be but just enjoy the journey of becoming, we would find a lot more meaning in everything that we do -- every bumps, dead ends and redirections will make sense. 

5) Dolly Alderton - Everything I know about Love

First of all, I wish I could be Dolly's pet sister. I am not even kidding. Having her as a sister would be so fun, and insightful. Reading her books also feels like talking to a big sister. She's funny, wise and relatable as hell.

This book talks about her experience of finding love in her 20s and along the way realizing that everything she needs to know about love, she actually is learning them from her relationships with her female friends. It highlights how having female friends enrich her lives in so many ways, so uplifting and fulfilling. I had to stop a few times while reading this books because it's so relatable to me. I am not in any romantic relationships and yes, I am open to it but at the same time I have this lifelong female friendship that has been my source of contentment for years now. Without me realizing it, they give me everything I needed, they taught me all I needed to know, they raised the bar for me, they set a standard so high that is pretty impossible for any men to match. Sorry, not sorry.

This book shed a new light, it expresses perfectly of how I feel about my female friendship, make me recognize the things I have not recognized before and make me appreciate my girlfriends in more ways than I already have.

#TGIF The family I chose

I'm going to be honest with you: I’ve been putting off writing this for a few weeks now. I kept finding other topics to write about instead. Not because this one isn’t important, it's quite the opposite. It’s so important to me that I wanted to write it right. But no matter how much thought I put into it, I don’t think anything I write can truly encapsulate how I feel about my female friends.

If you follow me on my other platforms, you probably already know that I talk about my girlfriends all the time. Some might even say I overshare. But for a long time, it didn’t occur to me that what I have with them is rare. That not everyone gets to experience a friendship like this -- a support system, a constant, a chosen family. And some days, I catch myself marveling at the rarity of it. Because let’s be honest: it’s not easy to find even one friend you can click with, let alone a group you grow with, evolve with, and still hold onto after all these years.

I’m not going to sugarcoat things and pretend we haven’t had our rough patches. We’ve disagreed, drifted apart, even stopped talking for months at one point. Especially during the transition from adolescence to adulthood, when we started to take different paths -- different universities, different friends, new environments. For a while, it felt like we were speaking different languages. But even then, we always found our way back to each other. We always chose to come home to this friendship. At least that's how I felt.

I  think often about how different I would be if I didn’t have them. Especially in those fragile years where you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, and where you’re headed. They’ve been there through all of it. We’ve witnessed each other’s growing pains, celebrated so many firsts together, and shared milestones that have shaped us. I've seen the girls get married, found the love of their lives, get promoted, moved to new places and recently, gave birth. And the most exciting part is? There’s still so much more ahead of us.

As I grow older, I have that fear at the back of my mind that we would outgrow each other somehow. But then I look at us, the foundation we've built, the effort we've put into this friendship (now more than ever) to constantly show up and be in each other's lives and the times we could have drifted and we didn't, it restored my faith. 

This friendship has been the grounding force in my life. It’s influenced how I think, what I value, and how I see the world. It’s fueled me, challenged me, humbled me, and healed me. Even in the moments when I didn’t realize I needed saving, they were there. Not as people who complete me, but as people who reflect the very best of who I am.

Beyond this circle, I’ve been lucky enough to find sisterhood in other phases of life too. Through university, work, and unexpected places in between. Some of those connections have faded, as things naturally do, but they’ve each taught me something. Still, this core group -- the girls who have seen me at my best and worst -- are the ones I keep closest to my heart.

So here it is, written in the only language I know how, a love letter to the women who have shaped me, held me, grown with me. At this point I hope they all know how much this sisterhood means to me. I have written letter after letter addressed to each of them, and now for all of you to know this too.

Thank you for the love, the joy, the life shared. I hope we never stop choosing each other.

#TGIF Un-tabooing therapy

This will be yet another vulnerable entry. A topic I've never discussed previously, because it was a strange topic for me too. I have never related to mental issues, however, I was tested with a degree of it sometime around last year.

Last year, I found myself in a dark head space. I was not happy, nothing excites me anymore. I was just cruising through life. I wasn't feeling the contentment I usually feel. I just feel.. lost. I had some personal stuff going on in my life during that time, so I guess that contributed even more to the feeling of emptiness. I got annoyed, mad and irritated so easily, by the smallest things that otherwise, wouldn't even bother me.

I have never thought about seeking therapy, but in that moment, I did not recognize myself, and I knew I had to seek help. I contemplated so much about where can I go and which facility I can seek help from. To be clear, I didn't have any dark thoughts about doing dangerous things, it did not get to me until that point yet. But it was the constant heaviness in my heart.

I had rounds and rounds of debrief with my sisters, which helped, but it was not enough. I even told them I had been thinking about seeking therapy and the too, supported it. I began to understand how important therapy is. Even if you think you're not doing too bad, you should still consider it. You should still be open to it. We all have past traumas that we carry for so long, that until one point, it gets too heavy to bear. There should be no shame, in fact, it should be applaud because that is the proof that you are putting yourself as priority. You are trying to get better, for yourself and for the people around you.

While contemplating therapy, I did what I do best, I write. I write for days on end. Everyday. In my journal, my journal app on my phone, on WhatsApp and sent it to myself. I was on a roll. I couldn't stop, it became addictive because writing have me clarity. I was writing letters to people who I had so many unsaid things, I was mad at, frustrated at and before I knew it, I was unraveling and healing my past trauma all at once. It was refreshing to say the least. The letters will never see the light of day, I may even burn it one day. But it gave me the relief, to finally pour the things you wished you said, that you have keep so deep in your heart. I found myself crying while writing the letter. Like, full on bawling. I surprised myself, if I'm being truly honest. 

I may not end up going to therapy, but it was the realization that I needed one was what moved the other parts. It's the self-awareness that I'm not doing okay, the openness to seek help, considering and finding available resources. I'm grateful that I didn't spiral, and I hope I wasn't accidentally be mean to anybody while I was going through it. But I knew in my head I had all sorts of unkind thoughts. 

I want to urge you to look inwards, ask yourself, which part of my life that made me who I am today? We all have memories we wish we could erase, and if you truly know yourself, you can identify all of you; your personality, the way you think, the way you make decisions, the way you love, your relationship with money, your values and literally everything else, are correlated to how you were raised, the experiences you've gone through. Once you've identified them, it's easier to undo the bad and amplify the good parts of yourself. Through this experience, I get to know myself too. What started as a negative experience, became the biggest breakthrough. 

If you find yourself needing help, here's some of the mental health services I've considered (shoutout to my friend Amira for suggesting them!). Apart from these, there are so many more you can consider depending on your budget.

• Cara Cara
• Minda Kami

I do hope you heal from all the things you've shared, or the ones you carry alone so you can come out on the other side cleaner and happier 💛

#TGIF Dating in this day and age

The older you get, the harder it is to find the one. I'm writing this more as a personal reflection, from my own experiences, and how I feel trying to find a true connection, that aligns with my values especially in this day and age. This post is not intended to critique anybody nor do I mean to offend anyone. This might be able to justify why I choose to stay single all these years.

I will go back a little bit to when I was 18, I was fresh out of a relationship that mattered a lot to me. People always tell me how I did not act my age. I felt it too. Even at 18, I knew in my head, relationship is not a game I want to play. I didn't necessarily crave relationships, I wasn't into dating, and going out on dates makes me sick. Talking on the phone? I never liked it. Until now, I prefer texting over calling. What I'm trying to say is, I've always take love seriously.

When I came out of that relationship, I made a vow to myself that my next relationship will be the one I marry and I was dead serious about it. I pursued my studies, acknowledged that all my focus, time and attention should directed there. Did I have crushes? Of course I had some, I think it was key to feel motivated every day. My crushes were always the smart guys, those that are motivated too. The ones who asked questions, and came top of the class. It's important to me to find someone that motivates me to be better. To grow, improve, and challenge myself. But I never made any move, it wasn't my intention. I was young anyway, I had plenty of time ahead of me before I should even start thinking about relationships.

Fast forward, I was 22. When I started working, I thought to myself, maybe I can try open up now. Get to know people and maybe, just maybe, I will find the one. But of course, when you try to plan it, mastermind it, it will never work out. I found myself feeling insecure too, in my early 20s. I often feel I am lacking, like I have nothing to offer. What can I bring to the table? I was super self-conscious. It didn't matter anyway, because I was not able to find anyone that I was really truly attracted to that aligned with my values.

In between 22- 25 years old, I was hopeful. What I never thought about how much harder it will get as you grow older because your bar will just get higher and higher. I have seen failed relationships, heard about many, and learned from them all. Now, my own criteria and how I view relationships now had changed completely. My expectations shifted, the bar is now higher. I can't tell you how many times I tried to open up to new connections but keep getting disappointed with how on the surface conversations always are with men. At 28, I am no longer rushing into it, if it happens, it happens and if it's not, I am whole on my own.

  

I wrote previously about how turning 27 changed me as a person, it also changed how I look at relationships. Naturally, I have added more criteria into my 'checklist' when it comes to finding significant other. But, I too, had an awakening within myself. Instead of searching for perfection in other people, I started looking inwards. I thought, if I want to have someone with certain values and qualities, I need to first have them in me. Perfecting yourself, will attract the right person. I look at family institution in a different light now. I can better understand that getting married and building a family is not something anyone should take lightly and the preparation to go into one is extensive and both parties need to take part. Healing your inner child and past trauma is important, as well as seeking knowledge on your rights as a wife/husband and your role in the familial institution. Many skipped this part and jumped head first into marriage, later realising their traumas present itself in the marriage.

Now, instead of feeling excited to find love, I feel the weight of the responsibility that awaits. I no longer want it in the same way I used to. I don't want to settle just because I think my time is ticking, or I feel FOMO because everyone around me gets married, or I am scared of being alone. I want it because I find beauty in building a family when you (both)  have your intentions straight. I don't find them scary, even with the negative stories we keep hearing. I did not know where all this realisation came from, but I knew Allah makes me wait for a reason. Maybe the one I’m meant to meet is just running a little late. Or maybe, I’m still becoming the version of me he’ll meet. But even if it's written that there's none for me in this world, I would be okay with that too, because He knows best.

#TGIF Untiltled

On the table I lay everything

so you know the price going in

so you won't be expecting the wrong thing

and if I can tell you one thing

it's in your arms I want to die in

And if you find yourself

unable to love me

then don't you worry

I have enough love 

for the two of us to survive with

If somber is what you want for me

then you have no idea

I have walked this earth

with open wounds 

your disregard isn't enough

to break the broken

In my mind I've thrown rocks at you

I've cursed to your face

but you're the reason I grow wings anew

so instead I flash my sweetest smile

send my best regards

This constant war in my head

I will never tell you

unable to decide if I 

should be grateful for you

or hate your gut

- AZ

#TGIF My biggest fears

What are your biggest fears?

Hmm, definitely rodents, and heights. I get lightheaded if I'm up on higher levels of a building. I went up level 31 one time, and I can't bring myself to go near the floor-to-ceiling windows. I stomach coils and my head spins. I didn't think I am *that* gayat, but I guess I am. Then maybe also being trapped in an elevator. The thought of it scares me. 

And every time I take a flight I get nervous, I am scared of the plane crashing even though the statistics show that getting involved in a car crash is much more likely than being involve in a plane crash. But what if this time, it happens to me? 

I can swim, but I am still scared of drowning. Maybe because I got drown once and that felt like dying. Open sea? Sorry, I'm out. You know how long it took my friends to convince me to go to Pulau Trip with them for snorkeling? Yeah, that took a awhile. 

Then again...nothing is more scary than losing loved ones, right? Is there anything scarier than that? Unimaginable, unfathomable. Life after that would be like walking on earth with a gaping hole in your chest, in your heart.

But if you ask me on a deeper level, my biggest fear is living a life without knowing my purpose. Ignoring my potentials because I was too scared to try, too shy or embarrassed for nothing. Most people don't understand that you have so much control over your life and you could be the one stopping yourself. There was a podcast I heard where the podcaster said 'even God is rooting for you' and that changed how I look at living life at full potential. You're meant for bigger, grandeur things, so don't settle. Just take the leap, you will most probably land somewhere better.

---

I'd love more ideas/questions and feedback is very much encouraged too! Drop yours here.

#TGIF My mother's love

My Mama and I

I know it’s cliche to say my mum is the person I look up to. How unoriginal. There’s no other way I could describe what she is to me because in every sense of the word, she is. As true as it can get.

I grow up remembering my mom as a workaholic woman who actually enjoys her job truly. She was a corporate lady up until her 50s, and an amazing one, too. She goes to work, honoring her 9-5 obligations and comes back to be a homemaker. She cooks everyday—which to this day I can’t fathom how she’s able to do it so effortlessly—, and as involved as she could be at all of our —my sisters and I—school events. She came to every parent-teacher meeting, taking time off work. It didn't matter if we excel or we didn't, she made sure to show up anyways. 

There was a time when I felt like I was a disappointment, but she not once made me feel like one. She sacrificed a big chunk of money to register me into a private University to pursue Medicine. It was a payment to an agent who managed my entrance exam and interview. I thought about her effort to give me this opportunity, because she believed in me. In the end I passed the exam, but failed the interview. It was about RM3,000 gone, wasted. It felt even worse because I knew, we were not financially privileged. She consoled me, like I was the one losing money, and supported me through any decisions I made after saying goodbye to med school for good.

Mama in her element, conducting training

Mama is the most confident, elegant, polished woman I know. She did not just teach us how to be confident, she showed us how it's done. She showed me how to dress well, appropriate to the occasion. How to speak well, with anyone, does not matter who, and to always carry kindness and empathy in us. Her advise to this day 'Bukan kena cantik rupa je, kena cantik perangai, cantik akal, cantik adab, cantik semuanya'. It's a reminder that life is not just for vanity's sake, there are other things that should take greater importance. The words I live by to the core of it, all my life.

Mama in her community, always ready to serve

Mama is also the most likeable person I know. My sisters and I were always in awe by this fact, she has community everywhere she goes. We moved houses couple of times, and she fits right in the community in no time at all. She build connections so easily and the people did not just welcome her, they always love having her around. Introducing Mama to friends often led to compliments of how warm and kind she is. All of our friends love her too. She made sure to know each of our friends, she remember names, listen to our stories so she knows who is who. She made everyone feels remembered, and seen.

Every part of my being, there are footprints of hers. My mom has always emphasized the importance of knowledge, and English is something she wants all her daughters to master since we were a child. She was the one who taught us how to converse in English, and kept reminding us the only way to be proficient, is to practice it daily. She speaks with us at home in bahasa rojak. She corrects our pronunciations and mistakes, even now. School teacher was not our first source of English education—she was. Well, her and Destiny’s Child music and Disney movies, of course.

She's a learner, through and through. She reminded us time and time again, whatever we want to do, do it with knowledge. 'Jangan main bulldoze je', is what she would say. I thank her for her earnestness to learn, because seeing her makes me love learning too. She started finding her way closer to Allah in her 40's, and since, my admiration towards her goes up a whole new level. Losing her mother—my grandmother—shifted something in her. She knows deen is something personal and everyone has their own journey, so she has never, not once push us to do something we are not yet ready to do. Now that I think about it, she spreads da'wah to us in the gentlest way.

Mama in her other element, teaching Quran

Now, in her late 50s, she proved her consistency and enormous dedication pays off. She befriended Quran in the most beautiful way and some days, she only spends time with Quran. She's my personal ustazah, teaching us sisters, her own sisters, strangers and friends alike the Quran. She teaches us tajwid and the right makhraj, she is my point of reference if I need any doa, she always have something to share. Sometimes I look at her and I thought, how is she this amazing? And how am I this lucky to be able to call her my mother? I worry I could never make her proud the way she has made me. She loves loudly, confidently, unwaveringly. Steady and sure, leaving marks of her love in every parts of my life. She embodies everything I want to be and the perfect role model I am grateful to have. In every facets of my life, she is the best person for me to look up to. As an employee, as a friend, as an individual, but most importantly as a Muslim with purpose.

Writer's note: I time this post specially for Mother's Day, which falls this Sunday. Happy Mother's Day to mothers out there, none of us will be here without you. May we, the children always remember to look back while we're walking this earth leaving our own marks in this world, to see our mother's footsteps are right behind us all along, ready to catch us when we fall. 

To my Mama, everything that I am and everything I will be, I owe it to you for shaping and loving me so beautifully. May Allah grant your life barakah, contentment, and a throne in the highest Jannah.

#TGIF To my younger self..

Portions of this entry were originally written in 2023 as part of my personal journal. They have been thoughtfully revised for this entry. The entry will be long and deeply personal. I share this with you in the hope that you can find something familiar within it and recognize that your experiences, too, are part of a larger journey.

I strongly believe revisiting my younger selves healed my old wounds. I thought about all the past versions of me all the time, sometimes the little girl who felt unloved, at times the teenager that felt like her world was caving in on her and her only solitude was her family and friends. Other times I revisited the young adult that once thought she had it all figured out until life threw her a curveball and she had to reconstruct the idea of a future she once had. I often looked back in recognition and contemplation, but mostly in fondness.

I am a deep thinker and a feeler - I feel everything, I retrospect every parts of my life and as of late, I mostly thought about the little girl who had set a lifelong foundation for all the future versions of her. It's hard to really share something so personal to me and even when I tell my sisters this, they did not understand it fully. It is said that every child experience different childhood, even when they were raised in the same household, by the same parents, in the same environment. Simply put, my childhood, while formative, wasn't always the happiest.

When I think about my childhood, the first memories that would float up my mind were the unpleasant ones. I thought about feeling anxious, alone and unworthy, especially from being physically different from my other sisters. I began to learn how to behave and not cause a scene, I learnt to be a good girl, to work my ass of to prove myself, and if I'm not nice, I will get reprimanded immediately, sometimes publicly. How I felt growing up, wasn't necessarily anyone's fault, and I want to really make that clear.

Before I begin, I find the need to preface this so you can at least understand, even not fully. I think most my life, I suppressed those memories because thinking about them makes me sad. However, I had a moment of clarity not too long ago, and I know she -- the younger me -- is the reason I am who I am today.

To my 6 year old self, I know feeling unloved and different sucks, but the way you persevered, pushed through, had set a foundation for years to come. You didn't know it yet, but right now, at the precipice of turning 30, I am mostly grateful for you. You influenced and shaped me more than any other versions of me did. They solidified it, but you were where it all started. I realize it more and more now how your experiences carved the mold of who I am at the core. I understand it now how important it is to give children the best childhood. I vow to ensure my own children have the best, the safest and loved during these formative years. But even then, can't be guaranteed because I also know, no matter how you shelter and protect your children from any hurt, they will have their own version of childhood in their head. As for me, I know my parents and family had given me their best, I unfortunately had a different narration of my childhood. 

Growing up with 4 sisters, we naturally fell into 2 alliances; the older sisters and the younger ones. Dyna and myself were inseparable.

To my 12 - 16 year old selves, you tasted the sweetness of attention on you, finally - when you scored 5As for UPSR. As f-ed up as it sounds, you thought you finally proved yourself of something. Something rewired in your head, you thought 'So this is how it feels like?' So that's what you did -- you spent the rest of learning years striving to be on top, scored all the As, competing, rivaling with no one, but yourself. Good thing was, you actually enjoyed learning, you loved school. I haven't found anyone who loved school more than you did, if I'm being honest. It's where you met the girls, and I will tell you this - they are still in your life, more present now than ever. School, friendship, and academic excellence was your escape. Up until now, I am grateful that you were not the rebellious type but I also knew, you can't be. There were already enough chaos going on that you can't find it in you to create more chaos.

I was fourteen, and if you think I look older, congrats - you're not the only one who thought so.

To my 18 - 21 year old selves (the versions that I miss the most), life was confusing, but refreshing, liberating and so fun. If you loved school, you treasured Uni life even more. But these were also the beginning of your most pivotal years. You went from having your life all figured out and planned to going along with wherever fate takes you. You had to let go of a dream of yours, and leave it all to Allah because you knew you worked hard, prayed, and left the rest in accordance to His plans. Despite the failure, goodbyes and change of plan, you were happy, truly happy. This was the point -- now that I think about it -- where life fully turned and your decisions lead me where I am now. The only way you could find peace in all the chaos was by learning to trust Allah's plans. Some things were out of your control and you understood, accepted it, never regret any of it. For your content heart, I am grateful.

 

I knew I wasn't meant to be a scientist, but always meant to be a learner.

Finally, to the most recent versions, mid twenties was...another type of beast. During this time, you wrote a lot. You were constantly seeking clarity. You got through 3 - 4 journals because you were always writing, questioning, venting. If there were any chance to go back in time and do better, it would be to this version. I would shake you and slap some sense into you because, good grieve, you had hope too big and way too much faith in others to do right by you. You expected the best from people who weren't capable of giving it. You wish you're capable of hating, begrudging, but you can't find it in you to do so. You instead wrote letters and addressed them to the fire. As the pages turned, you found it in you to let go of the things you can't change, and questions you will never get the answers to. In those time you did so much self-reflection, introspect every parts of your life and came to a deep understanding of your own thoughts and feelings. It was worth all the quiet pain initially inflicted because now, you've gain something no one else can give to you but yourself.

I can't stress enough how important it is to acknowledge your experiences and how they helped shape who you are. I have no regrets, nor do I resent any decisions I've made. I love who I've become, and it's the results of what I've been through. If I'm being honest, putting out this entry is nerve-wrecking and scary. I have always been open, but never this vulnerable and raw. My only wish for this entry to inspire you to look within, honor your experiences no matter how ugly or painful and recognize how vital they are in influencing the way you carry yourself, how you make decision and how you love. 

I have already make you read this much, and if you're still here - I thank you. I'll see you next Friday :)

#TGIF The red string theory

I always think about how we know two souls are already tied since the beginning of time, only waiting for the right time to meet. The red string theory said something similar -- where lovers are connected, by a red string and they are destined to be together. The string can be stretched, tangled, knotted and revolving around wrong person or timing and even circumstances but it will never be broken or amiss. It always connect two people who are meant to meet. 

But truth to be told, I haven't seen this kind of clear, cosmic connection in my life yet. I have seen in small doses, yes. If my parents had not met they way they did, I believe they still would've met each other as my Aunt (my mom's sister) married my dad's housemate. Or if my sister hadn't met my brother in law the way she did, she probably would be connected to him anyway because his relatives live 5 mins away from our neighborhood and my Aunt worked with his Aunt. 

"What a small world!" is one of my favorite lines of all and I love it when I find out I share mutual friends with somebody. It's interesting to see how we are all connected, how our lives tangled. Every step I take, I know I am inching closer to the one my own red string is tied to. Some times I do wonder - to who would this man be connect to?

I would link this with the fact that we are only 3-4 degrees of separation with each other. Did you know that? For all you know, you are only 4 acquaintances away from Barack Obama. As absurd as that sounds, we are closer to each other than you think. That is another theory that blew my mind the moment I learnt about it.

Hold me accountable

I'll need a little help from you on this one. 

I'm planning to publish a post every week for the rest of the year -- at least one, every week -- and I need your help! Remind me, demand from me and hold me accountable to follow through.

Last week on Instagram, I asked my friends for writing prompts and some of them kindly shared with me what they'd like me to write about. A  few of the topics were really interesting and I know I'll have my own take on it. I don't write factual entries well, so I'll stay far away from it. 

I'd love more ideas/questions and feedback is very much encouraged too! Drop yours here.

Starting this week, meet me here every Friday at 8PM. It's a date ;) #TGIF