What 2020 has taught me so far (part II)

An extension to my last post on this, a list of learnings and lessons I have collected throughout the year. A lot of these are already known, not anything new but events that happened to me throughout this year gave them new meanings and served as reminders.

1. Don’t beg for anyone to stay, free them to free yourself
2. Negative feelings are necessary (getting hurt, sad, frustrated)
3. Always be aware of where you stand in someone’s life, if you feel it’s not worth it to just stand on the sidelines, leave.
4. You have the utmost power to your life, make changes where needed
5. It’s you who’s stopping yourself from bigger & better things
6. Be authentic to yourself, don’t change to fit in
7. ALWAYS follow your heart, always. 
8. Short bursts of happiness = short bursts of pain
9. Nothing stays/lasts (both a blessing & a curse!)
10. What left will be replaced by something better, don’t be too crushed
11. Ignoring feelings/person/situation will not solve anything. Acknowledge it and address it 
12. Age does not equate to maturity
13. Never stop dreaming, manifest it into the Universe 
14. Speaking good, being kind needs to be normalised more
15. It’s impossible to find good people if you’re surrounded by none 
16. It’s not narrow-minded/conservative to still hold on to your deep-rooted principles 
17. Stop looking for other people’s fault & start looking at your own

And the one thing I learnt (actually something I read off from a book) that has changed my perspective of other people is that EVERYONE in this world is good. None of us is born bad/faulty/wrong (nobody wakes up in the morning & decided to be a bad person), we just make bad decisions in life. In essence (our fitrah), we were born to be good, to do good, and we all have that goodness in us. 

Biggest lesson ever as I have stopped thinking “Eh s/he is not a good person la” just for the things I see outwardly. Only God knows the goodness they have on the inside and how their life would turn around in the future. 

Note: T-minus 4 days to the new year!

Wordless Wednesday #11

 

How 2020 is both a blessing & a curse

One whole year, 12 months, 366 days. A lot has happened. 2020 is definitely one of the most challenging one, emotionally. I went on a roller coaster ride and the emotions I felt was strong that I can clearly remember how it felt. It wasn't something that was just passing by. And, just like any other events in my life, I decided to document all of them as a way to

1. Cope with the feelings 
2. Look back later and be reminded that hey, if I was able to get through THAT, I can go through anything 
3. Remember the pain that made me stronger, blessings that kept me grounded

 

Blessings

1. I passed my 6 months probation period in early February & I hit the first full year of working in early August. I guess it was the "first job" feeling that made it so fulfilling & meaningful though I think to other people it's just another small milestone. It's huge to me and I'm thankful that God has placed me at where I am today, crossing path with talented, kind-hearted, super goal-driven people. 1 year & 5 months has passed since I first joined, who knows how long more will I be working there.
2. Because of the pandemic & the whole quarantine thing, I was able to spend SO much time with my family. I have always been with my family anyways since I still live with my parents but when COVID-19 hits and we had to stay at home around 3 months before the MCO started to ease a bit around June, it was a whole another level of "spending time". One of the many silver linings to this whole thing. Our Ramadan & Raya brought completely different meaning to us. It was definitely a meaningful one for me.
3. We welcomed a new addition to the family, the first baby boy! We got the news Kakak was pregnant again with her second child in early February, and the baby turned out to be a boy. It has always been us girls beside Papa, then came around our brother in law and now a healthy & wonderful baby boy. He is 3 months old now, I haven't seen him in nearly 2 months and I can't wait to gomol him when we meet. 
4. At times like this what you have to be most grateful for is definitely good health. I am blessed with such a healthy body this whole year. I think I got "sick" just for a night, took medication and I was completely alright the next day. I remember last year I got sick multiple times and felt yucky about it. Most of us always take health for granted and I realised how this blessing is the one thing a lot of people out there would trade anything for. To be among the people (my whole family too!) God keep safe & healthy despite the pandemic getting worst than ever is still mind-blowing to me. He is the Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
5. I finally got the answer to my prayers and my wonder after 5+ years though I get it the hard way. I refuse to elaborate so much on this but this has always been at the back of my mind the whole time for the past 5 years and how I was never free from that thought. It was finally answered 5 years later, or at least God opened my eyes to see it now as I obviously was too blind to see it back then.
6. More to a responsibility than a blessing, I can say that I am now fully financially independent. I never thought I would say this at the age of 23 but being able to have your own hard-earned money and spend it the way you always imagine you would want to when you were younger is such a fulfilling thing to do. The bigger blessing here would definitely be the fact that I am able to keep my job up until this point despite of current economic situation. If that doesn't keep you going, I don't know what will.

Curses

1. Because of Miss Rona, my convocation was cancelled. I am still trying to find the good side of this whole cancellation but haven’t seen it yet. I am the type to always find silver linings in every setbacks so that I can feel better and put my mindset on the positive side, but man, I cannot find one for this yet.. It's not the biggest deal that I didn't get the convocation I once looked forward to but it was still a bummer.
2. I went through a series of heartbreaks but one of it gave me the answer to my prayers (refer point 5 in Blessings, lol am I writing a thesis...?). Ok, to be fair point number 5 wasn't a "heartbreak", more like something that happened and it left me all huh??? Did that just happened....again? I was left super confused and taken aback but I was partly at fault for letting it happen. I also had a friendship crisis that made me realise, I want this friendship to last really bad. I wanted to make this work more than anything. Things were resolved in the best way possible & I think it made us more understanding of each other.
3. This is definitely not exclusive to myself. We spent a lot of time indoors, hence wasn't able to actually "live". A lot of time were spent alone (for most people), not much on having fun obviously because you can't go anywhere but I think whenever we actually get to see friends and family, we learn to appreciate that and really be in the moment. At least for me I really look forward to meet friends on Friday nights because I know that is indeed a luxury.

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There are obviously a lot more blessings & curses in between but these are major ones that impacted me most this year. Though 2020 has been a total nightmare to a lot of us that we can’t wait to wake up from, still, always count your blessings twice. Better days are coming, believe it, manifest it.

Now... if I do a little backtrack to an entry I posted in February, I still hold on to what I said, that this year will be a good year. 

Turns out it does. Despite COVID-19 and the whole quarantine thing, I still see this year as a decent one. Full of learnings (I will also make an extension to this entry), and has made me wiser in every way possible.

Wordless Wednesday #10

 

What 2020 has taught me so far

1. There’s no such thing as “I know this person very well” because you will never really know someone

2. Really put your mind & focus on your long term goals, your youth is not here to stay forever

3. The energy you give to people will not always reciprocate & that’s fine. You just have to learn where to really invest your energy in

4. Only time will tell

5. The world/earth will continue to get worse from here

6. Don’t chase the feeling of happiness — you will never get it. But chase experience, challenges, correct your past mistakes. Happiness & contentment will follow through

7. It is OKAY to be alone, embrace it while you can

8. Always fight for what you believe in

9. People will not always be kind to you, but you should always be kind to people

10. You are literally nothing without God. Find Him in ever step you take

11. Your peace of mind is the most important thing. Never compromise it

12. First step to finding love is loving yourself, feeling enough

13. Stop focusing on things that won't even matter in 6 months

14. How someone behaves is (most time than not) a direct translation of how s/he was brought up

15. Live meaningfully 

The past few months have been especially hard on me & I found myself thinking what is it trying to tell me. Nothing happens "just because" as I'm starting to get answers to my questions & explanation to my wonders. Everything happens for a reason after all, though some lessons need to be learnt the hard way

A very different Ramadan

Today marks the last day of Ramadan. I think all of us can agree that this year's Ramadan sure is different but very special to us. At first when I knew we had to celebrate Ramadan without Bazar Ramadan & being able to perform tarawih at the masjid really made me feel like this is a total bummer. But as we go along, I started to see how this might turn out to be the best one yet. People get to perform tarawih with their family at home every single day, being able to complete the Quran in this holy month & being able to supplicate so much as we have more time. 

This is how I spent this year's Ramadan and how was it different from other years. We did Isya' prayers & tarawih every single night together as a family. I personally had never performed tarawih at home or by myself before. It was either I go to the surau/masjid (which was usually less than 10 nights in the whole month lol) or I would skip tarawih. We did Subuh prayers together too which we rareeeeelyyyy do. 

After Subuh prayers, me, my sisters & mama will jump on a Zoom call for tadarus session with my aunts & cousins. We started this since the government implemented MCO and it went on until Ramadan. These are the people that I used to see every week but due to COVID-19 and MCO, this is the only way we could meet and we did it for the best reason. We didn't get to khatam though, but we will soon! InshaAllah.

Talking about khatam, for my personal reading, I also didn't get to khatam. It has been my hope and goal this year (and every year) and I still wasn't able to achieve that lol but I am soooo close to it. I will end the day on Juz 26 but I don't think I can push it to Juz 30 hahah 😅 But compared to previous years, this is the farthest I have gone! Usually I would give up on less than Juz 10. Being brutally honest... I don't always do my best at reading the Quran because I get tired really quickly, so I wasn't able to read a lot.

I'm guessing the 'practice' from daily tadarus elevated my reading speed, which enables me to read more than 10 pages in one sitting before I get tired and my voice dah start tenggelam timbul. That helped me to get closer to my goal. I am not sad about the fact that I didn't get to complete the Quran, I am already happy with my progress. Nothing else matters. 

My only hope stepping into Syawal is that the habits I started in Ramadan would not suddenly vanish and I am back to square one. I hope the same for all of you. May what we have gone through this Ramadan teaches us valuable lessons and changes us to be a better version of ourselves. 

Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin, have a safe celebration with your loved ones!

Random, very random #1

Have you ever like someone but you don't want to so you get really annoyed of seeing/hearing/reading, just plain annoyed with their presence? 

That's exactly what I'm feeling.

Wordless Wednesday #9

A Self Reflection

I came across an Instagram profile that belongs to an acquaintance of mine. He shared his journey of finding god and his efforts of getting closer to Him. He is a Christian. Do his stories make me feel weird? No, it in fact inspired me to be better with my faith. I almost never get it how some Muslims feel scared they would lose their faith by just wishing friends Merry Christmas when faith should be harmless for anyone to practice and what we need to do is just show respect.

It got me thinking, every religion has their struggle. I was selfish enough to think oh how hard it is to be a Muslim, let alone being a Muslim woman. People tend to judge you in everything you do. The way you dress, the way you speak, the way you bring yourself. A constant question I have in my head all the time: Is this OK to do/wear/say? Not just in the eyes of humans, but ultimately in the eyes of my God. But then again, aren't we all? Even the most ignorant person would have this question cross their minds at times. None of us are quite there yet and we all are struggling just as much. 

Would you ever think that someone with completely different faith brings you so much closer to yours? This is my first. If it takes a Jewish/Buddhist/Christian/Hindu to knock some senses in me, then be it.

Of being 23 & how I feel about it

I turned 23 nearly a month ago. How do I feel about it? To be really honest, I don't know. 23 is a weird number, and it's even weirder to say I am 23. Why do I feel that way? I can't even answer. All I know is that, 23 is the transition age of thinking oh I'm still young, dumb, broke but totally carefree to oh shit I'm an adult, I have things to pay, commitments got doubled.

I have more people asking me when will I get married, when will I get a boyfriend because we all know that "position" has been vacant for god knows how long. Meeting my relatives at weddings also means getting these kind of questions:

Ni bila lagi?

Nanti jemput la eh

I'm afraid they would have to wait for a veryyy long time, haha! Mama would bug us (yes, us three!) once in a while with questions related to this too and it usually goes this direction:

Nak mama carikan ke?

Tak kisah, asalkan decent. -- Our answer, all the time.

In all seriousness, turning 23 brings a larger meaning to me especially now that I am working. There are more things I need to think of, even larger responsibilities. My priorities will always be my parents first, myself comes second. So thankful that I still have my parents around to see me grow as a person, my sisters, my friends, the same people around me from years ago, until now. Eternally grateful.

I look back to my 22nd birthday and I can guarantee that my 22 year-old self had no idea I would be where I am, becoming who I am right now. Not sure if she would be proud or confused. But I know she would be happy regardless. 

Wordless Wednesday #8

My 2020 Focus

In 2020, what I really want to focus on is really just....myself. I stumbled upon an image on pinterest  (a great platform for literally everything, btw) that talks about self care and that inspires me to look for myself better this year.

 I wanted to insert the image here but the picture has the worst quality and I can't find better one. However, these are the six self-care:

Credit to the owner him/herself :) I have a feeling that this year is going to be a good year, I just have to put my mind to it, and focus only on the good. 

The rest of 2019, a recap

My first entry of the year, on the first day of the year! Woohoo! I'm sorry I dropped off last year on August 😂A few updates from where I left off:

1) I secured my first job, started 5th Aug. Alhamdulillah. I remembered how I struggled so much trying to find my internship placement. I cried and was so hopeless. But God is great He let this time, my real job to be SO easy. 

Ever since I started working, man oh man, my health went downhill. I get sick literally every month. For someone who hardly get sick, I was really frustrated. I had corneal abrasion in August, just 2 weeks after I started working, was down with fever twice. I felt really weak.

2) Celebrated Aween's birthday. Grateful for the people I still have until now. The realest 💛To many, many more birthdays in the future. 

3) Late September, I had Omakase for the first time, at Nobu KLCC no less. Came to a conclusion that I love sushi but raw food? No thanks. At least I enjoyed the night with the view 😅(Sorry the horrible pictures, the lighting was too dim huhu)

4) Attended Amy's graduation. A law graduate, finally! For someone that have seen everything she went through to get that degree, that day was one of my proudest moment as a sister. Looking forward to my own graduation 😛

5) I went to Nights of Fright for the first time in late October! If it wasn't because of ShopBack, I wouldn't go, ever. I penakut.. but I was surprisingly okay there? I was nervous before going in but being in there was really not that bad. Would I go again? Maybe. 

6) November was a hectic month. Both in terms of work and personal life. Attended two of my seniors' weddings, which made me realize that yeah, I am at that stage of life where I attend my friends' weddings now. I honestly eager to know which one among us to get married first! 

7) And you think it would get better in December, but nope, it got worst. I was down with fever, took antibiotic and got allergic reaction 😑 My dad caught dengue, which almost took him away. Tuhan je yang tahu how I felt, how we all felt. He spent a week in the hospital, was monitored closely. I was all over the place. I couldn't focus, at the same time my health was also haywire. Only after about 3 weeks, he started to regain his health, but he is not 100% OK yet.

8) In the midst of all that, I flew to Singapore for a company trip. Something that has already being planned for months. I prayed hard that nothing happens and that Papa gets better so I would be able to travel without worrying. I went on a cruise for the first time! Again, another firsts. A memory I will keep close to my heart because I really don't know when can I ever get to go on a cruise again. Possibly just once in a lifetime!

9) While I was on the cruise, I got to know that one of my uncle is fighting with his life to stage 4 lung cancer. He was just waiting for his time to go. The doctor said that nothing can be done. I was hoping God let me come back home first, let me see him. I landed from Singapore on Friday around 6PM. Took KLIA Transit straight to Putrajaya to visit him at IKN. I whispered to his ears "Tya datang ni Pakwan", that was the only thing I could say. I felt a lump in my throat the whole visit. 

Went to have dinner, got home and showered. Just shortly after that, we got the news that Pakwan passed away. It was probably hard for Papa to accept that his brother passed away when a week before he just came to visit Papa at the hospital when he had dengue. Crazy how life works.

10) Had our biannual family day on the last weekend of 2019. We do this every year with Mum's side of family. I always enjoy them, I love my family so much, nothing in this world beats the blessing of having such a loving, supportive family around you. When I was studying last time, I usually miss the year-end family day because finals always happens to be around this time 🙄 

11) Last but not least, I spent the last day of 2019 with the people I work with, playing bowling. Our last team bonding of the year. Had a great time and we won 4th place! Went back, too tired for anything. I went to bed 1130PM and missed the whole countdown and fireworks. A grandma, I know. But honestly it doesn't really matter to me that I missed it. I was just happy and content that the last and the first people I see were my parents. I close the year and begin another year with them ♥️

ps: I tried to be as discreet as possible as I don't want to put people's picture/face online if I don't have their consent. Especially if they are not my family. Sorry if the pictures are mehhhh. 

pps: I'm too slow that this entry would actually go live on 2nd Jan.