Assalamu'alaikum!

Lately I have been thinking about blogging so much that I'm so eager to sign in to my blogger account tapi yang ada hanyalah handphone yang obviously tak feel langsung nak blog. Nak tunggu laptop mama free memang sampai sudah tak free langsung sebab Mama, 24/7 with her laptop. Ada je kerjanya. Lagi pun laptop tu lembab. Sangat. So now since mama dah repair the other laptop, I am now can blog dengan suka hatinya! 

Tu macam over sangat.

Okay back to the main thing here. It's 30th September, 1154 pm sharp. Tinggal few minutes to October. By the time habis type entry ni, it is already October pun. How time flies. Orang cakap Allah cepatkan masa, salah satu tanda akhir zaman. Tapi bila kiamatnya, wallahualam.. Since we are already reaching October dengan erti kata lain, bulan PMR. Memang rasa sekejap gila, it's PMR again. To be honest, aku nak rasa balik PMR. Bukan nak exam tu, tapi nak tahun tu. Masa classmates semua macam family sendiri, ,masa semua dengar cakap, masa semua innocent lagi, masa semua reti hormat cikgu. 

Kenapa aku cakap mcm tu? Sebab this year semua benda semua orang berubah. Aku sendiri rasa, aku sendiri nampak. Semua orang dah lain, terutamanya classmates dari tahun lepas. Tapi tak kisah lah tu. Let bygones be bygones. Orang yang selalu toleh belakang ni susah nak maju. Tapi bila sebut PMR, benda paling aku ingat, kenangan masa PMR tu sendiri. What I've gone through, feelings yang ada, emotions waktu tu.. susah nak cakap. I felt worst. Tak confident langsung, risau, takut semua ada. Sedih pun ada. 

What's worst than sitting on a big exam without your Mum around? Nothing kan? Takde yang lagi teruk daripada itu. Dan yang memburukkan lagi, that was not my first time. Masa UPSR pun mcm tu juga. Mama tak ada sepenjang 3/4 hari exam. She was outside KL and I have to sit for the exam without her kissing my cheeks and say "Goodluck sayang, doa banyak banyak. Selawat jangan lupa. Masuk dewan langkah kanan." Reminder yang biasa dengar kalau ada test or exam. Dengar suara dia through panggilan telefon before tidur and bangun pagi. Masa UPSR tak rasa sedih sangat, mungkin sebab tak kisah sangat pun exam tu.

Tapi masa PMR, aku dah boleh fikir elok sikit (haha) dah reti rasa pelik bila mama tak ada. And lagi sedih bila fikir yang Mama selalu takde when I need her most. Sadis. Sepanjang 4 days exam, emotions aku terumbang-ambing, I could say. Asyik asyik menangis. Kena tegur sikiiiiiiit je, dah nangis. Sedih + risau + anxiety attack! Risau tak boleh buat, risau tak boleh buat parents proud, padahal belum cuba lagi. But everything yang aku lalui tu, paid off. And harap harap SPM nanti Mama ambil cuti sebulan untuk bayar balik semua hutang cuti masa exam UPSR dgn PMR hahaha

So now to those yang akan ambil PMR esok, means Rabu, best of luck! 

Assalamu'alaikum! x

1216 am, 1 Oct 13 (kan dah kata!)

Change.

Assalamu'alaikum!

Change. First thing that pop up in our head mesti pasal, tudung. When actually it means more than that. Orang yang dah bertudung pun kena berubah hari hari to the better. Nobody's perfect and we make sins everyday. In fact me, myself hari hari buat dosa. Mungkin terkutuk orang ke or cakap something yang menyakitkan hati orang. Or even tertunjuk aurat to those yang bukan mahram. Even the slightest thing pun Allah kira. Dosa tetap dosa. 

But what's with change? Sometimes, people around kita ni judgemental. Bukan sometimes la mmg semua pun suka judge orang. Suruh orang berubah macam benda tu kerja senang. Sedangkan diri sendiri tak betul lagi. You should know that change is not an easy job okay. I went through all that and still in progress of changing and it is not easy. Bukan senang nak suruh orang berubah and of course orang tu tak kan berubah overnight. I'm not focusing on someone but semua orang pun. 

I took step by step to change into what I am now. Some people ambik the first step but dah tak teruskan the next step. Tak berubah lagi sedangkan we all should change everyday. Take small steps tak apa, asalkan ada progress. I'm not bragging about my progress because I honestly think I am no near the title "alim". But my job here is to remind as a friend bcs it is one of my responsibilities as a friend, a human being. 

To those yang dah tergerak hati nak berubah but still hesitate, I advice you to just do it. Go for it. Allah memang tunggu hambaNya berubah but masa tak tunggu. Takdir, qada', qadar tak tunggu. Death tak tunggu. Kiamat tak tunggu. If not now, then bila lagi? To those yang dah ambil the first step yakni memakai tudung but belum betul, take the following steps. Kedua ketiga dan seterusnya. Keluar rumah tu tanya diri sendiri, 'Allah suka ke kalau aku pakai macam ni?' If you think yes, then okay. Kalau tak, change. 

1434H

Alhamdulillah syukur tak terhingga diberi peluang untuk menyambut kedatangan Ramadan sekali lagi. I think it is not too late to wish everybody Salam Ramadan!! ;D Since i didn't do well last year, this year I'll do my best. Buat sehabis daya untuk buat Ramadan tahun ini bermakna. I bet this year's Ramadan will be so fast & can't believe now is already the tenth day! 

I don't know why but this Ramadan brought me back to Ramadan 2011 a lot. I've been reminiscing 2011 Ramadan lately and I realize I miss those moments. Tahun lepas tak rasa mcm ni. Langsung tak. Mungkin byk benda yg berlaku lately yg similar to what happened in 2011. But apa yang berlaku?

So that year, Mia & me decided to berhijrah together after dapat hidayah (cewah). Maybe atas kesedaran masing masing but bila aku suarakan rasa nak pakai tudung dekat dia, and she said she has been thinking abt the same thing too! Jadi excitednya Allah saja yang tahu. Hampir raya mcm tu, we both pakai tudung. I'm not sure if it was on the same day ke tak sbb tak rancang nak on the same day pun. 

Tapi kenapa tiba tiba teringat? Sebab ada sepasang best friend ni, (nama tak boleh bagitahu) berhijrah jugak & sama sama jugak & on Ramadan jugak! That make sense kan kalau tiba tiba aku teringat? I miss that year. The year yang tiba tiba rasa dosa banyak sangat berbakul bakul. Terasa bersalah bila ustazah mengajar and usik part sensitive (mengenai aurat & so on). Bila ustazah masuk kelas, excited nak belajar (I always hated Agama subject back then. Ampun ya Allah). Tapi bila dia ajar, terkena hidung sendiri haha! 

Honestly, pengajaran dia yang banyak buka hati ni nak berubah. Banyak beri kesan yang dalam. I thank Allah everyday for His hidayah and I pray everyday for Him to grant me His hidayah for every breath I take. And not to take it back from me. I'm happy the way I am now. Tak pernah menyesal pakai tudung bcs ramai yang rasa tak puas tunjuk rambut. But for me, aku menyesal tak hijrah awal awal. Takdir Allah, aku akur. 

1st July

Pejam celik pejam celik, it's July!!!!! My last post was on new year ya Allah I didn't remember I left my blog for half a year already! Ayat plg cliché, time flies so fast!!! Hahaha but srsly, I mean it. I can still remember vividly what I did last year. 

So lets recap how was my January to June now. Ok not really recap lah just a short short short conclusion. 2013 (january-june) has been a very very very very very tough year, ever. I have never been in such a tough year. I swear this is the toughest. But alhamdulillah I survived to July. 

Loads of things happened and living as a upper form student is hard. Superb hard. I wish I am fifteen again. Siapa ckp yg form 4 ni honeymoon year tu mmg aku salute habis sbb everything susah ok. Pelajaran, how to cope with it dah satu hal. Exam lama gila mcm setahun tu lg satu hal. Dah tak boleh enjoy like I did last year dah. 

In fact, I think tahun lps yg honeymoon year walaupun ada PMR. I didn't feel the pressure like I feel now. Not just that, my life gets tougher day by day. My two elder sisters duduk jauh for work & further study, mumsy makin busy with work, friendship kdg kdg haywire jugak. Sometimes I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. But still, live goes on. 

I really hope the rest of the year will go well. No stress, boleh? I have zero happy memories in 2013 so far. Not my year lah, I guess. Ok then, see you again very soon inshaAllah hehe xx