Giving heart a break.

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. 

I don't even know there did I get the idea of writing this entry. This is what I have been keeping inside. Paling honest dalam hati. This is not an entry yang sedih sedih okay. So read as you please. 

Most of you readers must have been knowing me since high school so I can say that you knew who I dated before and now that I do not have anyone as a boyfriend or what so ever you call it. You might also have read my past entry when I was really heartbroken (lol). Kinda funny to think back about it. Anyway, it has been a year since the day we broke up. Truth to be told, the first few months were the hardest for me to go through. I have NEVER felt that kind of heartache until that time of my life where I felt so helpless and sad. Thank goodness Allah saved me from any harm or a longer heartbreak so He gave me rezeki to work. People there helped me to get back on my feet. I was happy again. Happier than before. Tak tipu la at times, on every other nights I thought of him and feel sad sikit. But the next day, I was all okay again. And honestly deep down in my heart (at that time) I still had hope that we just COULD be together again, but now I know that's not happening. 

Months went by, feelings fade and watching him living his life, made me stronger than ever. I knew right then that I had to move on. I need to let him go out of my mind. I live my everyday life and I think of him less and less everyday. Moving on pun kena ada usaha jugak kan, so I did so many things just to forget and it worked. Sometimes I think that it is so not fair for him to be okay while I'm struggling to get myself out from the post break-up heartbreak. But who knows what's in his heart. Good for him if he's all okay. Ada rasa marah, sakit hati, tapi what can I do? 

Now that I'm all fine and happy, I came to my senses that what happened actually brings good to my life. Through out this relationship I have learnt a lot. I can't imagine my life now if I happened to not met him. I was kind of a bad girl back then. Lepas break, sebulan dua je dah ada boyfriend baru. After meeting this guy, I learnt to be faithful. 3 years mannnnn, with this one guy je. And your heart is like totally shut for any guy at all. Kau tengok semua guys takde yang setanding dia ah. Takde yang lagi handsome, lagi charming, lagi sweet. All you can see is him. I learnt to give and take, I am more mature and boleh sabar lebih sikit. I learnt to fight for what I want and for what I love. Stay if you really love someone and I learnt that it takes two to tango. If one of you gives up, there's no use of holding on anymore. 

If you happen to read this, I never regret you. May both of us make ourselves better for the one who really deserves us.  Maybe we weren't meant for each other at all and for that I take it wholeheartedly. I might take forever to forget you, I hope I'm not that easy to be forgotten too. The journey with you had been the best yet. Although I planned to have forever with you but God planned something better for both of us. I have 0 feelings for anybody (faithful, see!). Still have a great deal of love for the same person and like I said, my heart is like already shut for anybody. 

To everyone out there, it's okay to be sad after a break up. But after that, grow back stronger okay? He'll give your happiness back, you just have to patiently wait. Everything happens for a reason, remember that ;) x

P/s: how would I know if you read this anyway?

TMI Tag

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh!

I'm sorry that I still haven't write an entry regarding Puncak Alam yet, but I will inshaAllah. But today I'm gonna be doing a TMI tag. 50 questions will be answered honestly hehe.

1. what are you wearing?

A long blue pants and a floral blue tank top. 

2. have you ever been in love?

I had.

3. have you ever had a terrible break up?

I had too, once or twice I don't want to remember.

4. how tall are you?

about 164/165 cm

5. how much do you weigh?

Currently 58kg

6. any tattoos?

it spells courage on my left wist. Kidding!

7. any piercings?

one on both earlobes. 

8. otp?

none because i don't ship

9. what is your favorite show?

does tv series included? If yes, desperate housewives is my current fav

10. who are your favorite bands?

1D, 5SOS, Maroon 5, The script, Fifth harmony (is it a band?) 

11. something you miss?

MY OLD PHONEEEE :( menyesal jual!!!!

12. favorite song?

All sam smith's songs. The feelsssss

13. how old are you?

3 months to 19!

14. zodiac sign?

pisces

15. quality you look for in a partner?

respectful, motivated, very positive, know what he wants in life.

16. what is your favorite quote?

hm I have many.. But one of them is my instagram's bio; She was like the moon--part of her was always hidden away.

17. who is your favorite actor?

specifically, none

18. favorite color?

white, black, brown, grey. Basic colours, or anything that attracts my eyes

19. loud music or soft?

soft, I hate loud music, they give me headache.

20. where do you go when you’re sad?

im my room, torturing my soul with sad, emotional songs.

21. how long does it take you to shower?

I can shower damn fast, 3 minutes or heck long 30 minutes. There's no in between hahaha

22. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

half an hour

23. have you ever been in a physical fight?

none other than fight with my sibs when we were younger and taekwando.

24. turn on’s?

buff guys, guys with kids, guys who are good with elders, guys with good knowledge on Islam

25. turn off’s?

guys who likes to spit in public, curse like it is their fav word, poyo and bajet handsome guys are the biggest turn off

26. the reason I joined youtube?

TMI tag should be done by vloggers, not bloggers, but I think it's fine for me to do it too. Anyway, I do think of making vlog channel one day.. hmm Idk..

27. what are your fears?

Rodents, heights, 

28. last thing that made you cry?

seeing how hardworking my mum is, and how she does all that for us, and the fact that she doesnt even complain about it. Touches my heart to the core.. i cried hard.

29. last time you said you loved someone?

to my mum I think. Yesterday or last two days

30. meaning behind your youtube name?

meaning behind my blog name; silhouette. I heard this song that has this lyric in it "I'm just a silhouette, a lifeless face you'll soon forget' and I'm exactly like that too.

31. last book you read?

Buku fixi, Cerpen. Baru baca 2 short stories. belum habis the whole book lagi.

32. the book you’re currently reading?

The exact same book, Cerpen.

33. last show you watched?

Tuan Anas Mikael kot? Tu pun tengok 5 minit je

34. last person you talked to?

Dyna

35. the relationship between you and the last person you texted?

I last texted Amy. She's my sister

36. what is your favorite food?

Tomyam

37. place you want to visit?

Mekah pleaseeeeee. And then Europe

38. last place you were?

Aeon Cheras hahaha

39. do you have a crush?

I do

40. last time you kissed someone?

My mum, yesterday

41. last time you were insulted?

hmm couldn't remember. Have I ever? 

42. favorite flavor of sweet?

I don't favor sweets. So, none but I know I hate orange

43. what instruments do you play?

Hahahahahahaha I am talent-less. Not talented to play anything at all.

44. favorite piece of jewelry?

Rings and bracelets

45. last sport you played?

I hiked and jogged just recently. 

46. last song you sang? 

Sam smith's tak ingat lagu apa. Malas check

47. favorite pick up line?

hmmm none

48. have you ever used it?

tak pernah la because takde hahahahah

49. last time you hung out with anyone?

my mum and sibs yesterdayyyyy

50. who should answer these questions next?

You guys ;) 

Thank you for spending your time reading! If you have any questions to ask, head on to my ask fm. Till next time!

Long silence

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

'It has been so long since I last blogging' would be sooo cliche because I've said that A LOT. Anyway, hello everyone! I hope you guys are well :) Wow my last entry was in May and now it's November already. SAY WHAT??? Gosh... time really flies huh? I've been wanting to blog but I couldn't find the right time to do so. But since I am on semester break now, I have all the time to myself. So here I am, sharing again ;)

Many things happened in last couple of months. Good things, bad things. Memories created (bad ones, good ones). Lets just put aside the bad ones because I only want to tell to good ones. Staying positive is the way to go! Ahah. So let me recall back what happened since my last entry.

JUNE

I got into University. Yay, Alhamdulillah. I got offered to UiTM (was my first choice when I applied UPU) So I was very thrilled that I got in. Being offered to further in Foundation Science (Asasi Sains) at UiTM Puncak Alam. I have been dreaming of getting myself in there since form 4 I think? Being a foundation student is the only goal I had. I didn't dare to dream studying abroad. I don't know why.. I guess the thought of being away like AWAAAY from home is scary. And to meet people who are not from your own nationality and you have to speak their language, hmm not what I want in life. Lol. Puncak Alam is a nice place, I really enjoy myself being there for like...4 months? The people, the syllabus, lecturers, food, environment, if I were to talk in detail about this, most of you might skip reading it because it would be long. I will tell everything about palam in another entry. Soon (promise).

JULY

Nothing much happened. All I remembered was Hari Raya. 

AUGUST

The month that I have been waiting for all year. The whole family, actually. My eldest sister got married! I was so overwhelmed, happy for her. The nikah day was very emotional for our family. It almost feel like letting go. She's under someone else's care now. You see, I have 3 sisters. All my life I have been spending my time with them. Growing up with them. Gone through phases in life together. I've watched her (I'm being specific now) fell, got back up again, seen her cry, beig scolded at, EVERYTHING. The age gap between us two is 5 years but we are close (I'm her fav sister, obviously). So watching my brother doing the akad, made us, her sisters teared up. Mama jgn ckp lah, orang dah pergi makan pun dia belum habis sedih, Long story short, everything went really well, alhamdulillah. People were pouring at the venue! Ramai sangat orang datang, all of us got nervous. Pukul 3 makanan dah habis even though we catered food for 1300 pax. Rezeki kakak, ramai yang datang. Too bad I don't have the pictures of the wedding in my laptop hmm

SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER

Nothing happened in September too, only that I was struggling for finals. I had breakdown because I was missing my mum so much and I couldn't bare how tough the syllabus were. Usually when I study at home, whenever I'm stress and need suuport, I would just run down and get my mother. I would hug her tight, and all of my worries would melt. But there at palam, I have no one. My housemates were not as miserable as I was. They were really fine and watching that, made me even more stress! But when the finals over, I was happy and relieved and glad. Overall, Maths was the only paper I found SO HARD. The others were so-so. Oh I forgot, I had MUET speaking test in September. It was...not good. I did not get cold feet, my hands wasn't shaking, that means I was NOT nervous, but I dont know why, I couldn't talk. The words won't come out. Ideas weren't flowing LIKE IT SHOULD BE. After final exam, I went on a short vacation with two of my bestfriends, Aleen and Sarah to Port Dickson and Melaka. Aleen drove all the way back & forth. It was fun, have always wanted to go on vacation with friends and I finally got the chance to. Hopefully we will get to do it again but this time, I hope everybody is available. Other than that, nothing interesting happened. 

NOVEMBER

As I type this, it is currently 12:39 am, 8th November 2015. It is not even halfway through so I have nothing much to share. The only thing I could share is that yesterday I had MUET (reading, writing & listening test) So relieved that MUET is over. Hopefully I'll get good band. I don't want to repeat, never want to go through all that ever again, inshaAllah.

I babbled a lot already. Thank you for reading up to this point. Much appreciated hahaha. Will write another entry soon, as promised.

Of gaining experiences

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

It has been so long, i miss blogging. So hi everyone! I wish all of u are in good health. I'm good, alhamdulillah. I have been resting at home for a week now since I have already quit from work but up until now, still rasa mcm nak tidur for one whole day. I don't know why I feel so legartic. Maybe because of the vacation too. Hmm maybe.

Anyway, the reason I'm blogging today is to share with you guys what I've gained from working for the past 4 months. To be very honest, it wasn't easy quitting. I miss teh tarik place already :( If I have my way, I would still want to work. I spent 4 months working, and I tell you, I learnt a lot. It somehow changed me. Dulu mana reti buat air sendiri. Air milo mama yang buatkan every single day sbb kalau buat sendiri mesti tawar la tak sedap la. And truth to be told, bfr kerja, I cannot cook at all. Maggi pun fail. Tak tipu, im not even kidding. Even if the progress I see in myself are just so little, but I still so proud of myself. And the fact that I can tahan kerja for 4 legit months, is something that i can be proud of ok. I proved myself that I can be independent too. I am not that spoiled brat yang duduk rumah je buat kerja taknak, manja, anak mama. I proved everyone (not literally) wrong. 

Working there also, improved my self confidence. I dont know but I feel a lot confident with myself now. I guess I'm just developing my social skills sebab since sekolah lagi dah ada self confidence sikit sikit but by working, made it better. Another thing that I see myself progressing in is interactions with people. Dulu dekat sekolah, people called me sombong all the time because i wasn't friendly and I didn't smile a lot just because I mind my own business. But ever since I'm working, smiling became a habit to me. Kerja as a server & a cashier demands u to be as friendly as u can so it slowly change me. And I also notice that I am a lot happier ever since I'm working. I was a serious type of person when I was in school. Boleh tanya orang if tak percaya. I changed drastically sejak kerja TTP. I laugh a lot, I smile a lot, I was happy. The main factor is definitely because of the people there. They all are so so so fun to be with. So funny, sangat baik, god, i dont know how to describe them. Awesome people, they are. Fell in love with the people, the place. 

To whoever juniors yang might read this entry, nanti habis SPM boleh la kerja dekat situ. I didn't regret working there, not at all. Penat, letih semua ada but i treasure every single second spent there. Banyak memories and banyak benda I learnt that I might not get anywhere else. I thank God that I got the chance to know them all. Alhamdulillah. 

of SPM results

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

First of all, I have absolutely NO intention untuk riak or brag about my result bcs if I do, I would already posted it everywhere, and I wouldn't delay this entry either. I tell almost everything here, I blog about things that happened in my life so this one counts too & this entry is also requested.

So as everybody knows, SPM result was out on 3rd March and....alhamdulillah! I got 7As & 2Bs. Expected actually, but I swear, I already very tawakkal daysssss before the results were out. I was very very redha, tak kisah what I get pun sebab I know, I did my best and whatever that I got pun, I deserved that. Tu je yang mampu. But then again, the results turned out satisfying. Tak tipu la I hoped for 9As but that was BEFORE I took the papers. After exam, I knew my level, I knew how well or how bad I did so I didn't expect 9As anymore. Kalau dapat tu memang rezeki & miracle la. I knew my results even before I got to school sebab Mia dah check dulu via sms and she told me I got 7As. I was so happy dah nangis dekat rumah dah haha bersyukur sangat sangat like I have no regrets and tak ada rasa frust that I didnt get 9As at all. I went to school not feeling nervous unlike everybody else hahah. Bila dah dapat slip tu and tengok sendiri the details, (subject apa yg A and apa yg B) I cried again out of happiness and gratitude. I was like WHAAAT!!! This one, truly unexpected. I got 5A+, 1A, 1A- & 2B+. I was blown away. Ya Allah.. I was beyond happy. Alhamdulillah.

Dah habis ambil result, guess what? i had to go to work 😑 I didnt get a day off because that wouldn't be fair for Nana sebab dia pun ambil result jugak plus it was our Senior supervisor's off day. So masuk kerja pukul 2 and my day was pretty much mcm hari hari lain jugak. Nothing special. 

Anyway, someone asked me on ask.fm how did I studied. To be very honest... Rasa malu nak share because I am not an excellent student to begin with. I am very average. To me, the main key here is berkat. I don't believe in 'if you pandai, you can go far' nope I don't. But I believe in 'even if you're not smart, but if you're a very respectful, diligent student, you can go a long way'. I've seen so many people like that though.. It's the little things that matters. If you can get all A's but you are rude to the teachers, I don't think that will work because one day, at one point of your life, you'll regret it. You'll get the outcome of it. The bad ones, of course. I wouldn't say that I'm a good student though but I take this 'berkat' thing very seriously and I kind of believe I got this results because of that too. I don't study that much. Lesser at home, honestly. Dekat sekolah je I really pay attention. Tak ada gurau gurau berborak or main main. Homework, selalu je tak siap but I didn't get to the point sampai cikgu marah. Nak malas pun, berpada lah. As a student I think it's totally normal untuk procrastinate but please know you limit. Being a student is also an amanah, okay? Sekian sahaja entry kali ini.  

of february

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Regarding to the title, my february has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I felt everything, been at my lowest, have been very happy too. Also, my february has been SUPER productive. Some of you may already know that I am now working and alhamdulillah I enjoyed every moment of it. I am now working at Teh Tarik Place Metropoint as a server with my friend Nana. At first tak pernah terfikir pun nak kerja. Tak minat nak kerja and of course, I tak cari pun this job hahaha. Nana so happened need a co-worker bcs she was the only server at the moment. So dia tanya dekat group whatsapp siapa yang nak kerja bcs TTP need another server ASAP. Without fikir panjang, I said to her I want that job. I wasn't at my best so I kind of cari distraction and I freaking chose to work! LOL I can't believe it either... BUT I somehow tersuka pulak kerja situ hahaha. Workers yang lain semua satu kepala. Fun to be with and I don't feel like I'm working pun. Rasa mcm lepak lepak je kalau dengan dorang. Can't lie the first day was the hardest though.. Bayangkan la I can't even sit for 8 hours. Kaki cramp mcm apa sbb tak pernah berdiri that long, ever. But then it gets easier, and easier. 

I started working on 29th January so I have been working for legit 1 month now and I'm not sure bila nak quit. At first nak kerja 2 bulan je which means berhenti end of this month but.. still thinking about it. I was very busy sampai there's not a day that I spent sitting at home je. Some of you might also know that my birthday fell on 27th Feb haritu, and no, this year no surprise hahahahaha didnt expect any though. I was happy through out the day everyone treated me good. Some of my classmates even datang TTP and met me. So sweet of them thank you so much! I also got SR cake from Aween & Nazmi. Thank you too! It was so good sedap gila. Tapi ada jugak yang tak bestnya. As I said last year, I cannot get everything I want right... but I'll just keep it to myself. Cerita paling last, and also penutup February this year, I went to Sepang yesterday. Mama ada reunion sekolah rendah dia. I took a day off from work and ikut my family pergi sepang. It was fun. We had bbq at night and otw back home singgah restaurant makan nasi hahahahaha (makan nasi serious wajib walaupun dah bedal bbq). Dah tu je. Jumpa lagi next year, my fav month! InshaAllah.

p/s: result SPM keluar 3rd march and I feel nothing. Bad sign....

heartfelt

I fell for you three years ago. That small thing you did, was all it took to make me attracted to you. I swear I didn’t have any idea that small gesture would make a whole lot different to both of our lives. Days went by, you approached me first. You took the first step, the second, the third, you made me feel like I’m in a complete fairytale. I felt like I was dreaming. You made me feel so special. I felt like I’m the luckiest. I fell hard for you and I knew, you fell for me too. We both so drown in love but somehow, i took a step back. I never give my all to you. I put my guards up because I was afraid. Afraid that you would break me, you would leave me. Like everybody else. But no, you never give up. You convinced me that you are worthy. That I can totally count on you. That I can rely on you. That I can give my heart to you. And you somehow, promise to keep them safe and sound. It took me two years to really believe you. And you patiently waited for me. That’s when I know, you really love me. You’re really serious about us. You really want this to work. I pushed you away a few times but I never failed to come back to you. Because I know pushing you farther away from me makes me love you and yearn for you even more. So I came back, came back to you.

The last time I came back to you, you were different. You were not the guy I knew 3 years ago. You’ve stepped into a whole new world and I’m still here, still trying to figure myself out. You’ve met new friends, new girls and guys. You’ve grown to love them and that somehow, wilted our love. You broke your promises the minute my tears fell for you. Now, my tears for you are so cheap. I cry easily now. One thing that I’ve never done with anybody else. I never cried for any guy but you’re different. I cried a lot for you and I still do. If all these things meant something to you why do you seems alright? Do your heart ache as much as mine does? Do you regret letting me go? We had the worst ending. Not a proper one and till today I haven’t get over it. Let alone getting over you. I love you way too much to just fall out of love. We fought for this love for 3 years and why do we have to stop? Why do I have to fight on my own? Why do I have to hold back my anger and frustration whenever i see you with other girls just to keep us together? That’s not fair for me. I don’t want to fight alone. I’m would sacrifice something but I’m not sacrificing just to let you do things that I don’t like. The fact that you failed to commit—i knew right then, you have stopped trying. You gave up. 

Relationship can’t rely on just love. There’s so many things needed to make the relationship work. We both love each other and that is just it— nothing more.

p/s : excuse me for this. again.

Of Beautiful Souls

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

A few days ago I received a message on my tumblr from an anon which I am very sure a very close person to me. I can't tell whether it was a girl or a guy but that's not the case though. I was really, really touched by what s/he said to me. I would want to post it here but I'm not sure if the sender is okay with that. Even though s/he chose to appear anonymously. But you can find them on my tumblr since I replied to that and it automatically published publicly. 

I had a sudden realisation right after, that I am surrounded by beautiful and lovely people. One thing that I always take for granted. I haven't been grateful enough for having such people in my life. I get sad because a few people let me down, frustrates me and I am totally blinded by the sadness that I can't see that they are so many people that were brought in my life to make it better. But I am totally allowed to be sad ok haha. 

There are things in life you can't have. But you'll win something. 

p/s : Watched Taken 3 yesterday and it was SO good I tell you. Worth watching 5 stars without a doubt!

Wordless Wednesday #2