What matters most

I have never thought I would be writing about this, here. I have been writing all these while to express feelings, so why wouldn't I? It feels so wrong to be writing about someone who used to mean a lot to you, but now it's just...different. I don't know who would read this, but I would like to vent out everything I have been feeling these past few months.

So things gone completely wrong about 3 months ago, when I asked to you about something, particularly about someone and I guess you didn't want to tell me (us) yet so you avoided answering that question. I was okay although I feel a little taken aback of why you refused to tell when we have been sharing stories since 5/6 years ago. Starting from that day onwards you have been acting strange, you avoided us and keep your distance from us. You left the group (whatsapp) and when we asked if you wanted to be in that group again, you said 

'not now' 

fast forward three months later, nothing changed. No explanation, no nothing. As if 'we' never happened. It was so absurd that I don't even know what to feel. I was lost, I still am. It offended me when you said that you feel like you don't belong. It crushed me to hear that. Don't belong? Seriously? After all these years and you feel like you don't belong? 

What am I to you? What are us? I have mixed feelings for this. I am sad, mad, frustrated, confused... you tell me. 6 years man... we literally grow up together. Did SO MUCH together, gone through a lot. I feel like a punch in the heart every time I think about it and every time I think about you, I can feel a lump in my throat. You might think that I don't care because I didn't show it to you of how sad I am, but I cry too. I might be mad as hell but the sadness I feel overpowered my rage. 

I feel like all these years had gone wasted. Rasa macam kena tinggal. I question every single day 

"What have I done wrong?"

"Did I said hurtful things?"

"Am I not a good friend?"

"Are you happier without me then?"

I have truckload of questions in my head and I don't think I'm getting any answer. 

Hurt is exactly the word.

Halfway through

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Haven't updated anything since 2 months ago, I miss blogging and actually miss having the time to do so! I'm currently in the reading room at my college because apparently this is the only place I can get good WiFi, sigh. I'm squeezing time to blog in the midst of doing some research for an assignment. I have no time for anything at all these days.. *cries*

I feel like my blog has been so education-oriented because I always tell you of how I'm coping with school and university, and things related to that. I'm sorry if my writing seems to be boring and you can't relate. But honestly I appreciate people who still read though. I might rarely post entries, but I still keep myself updated of my daily readers. To those who still don't know, I've enrolled for degree in UiTM Shah Alam. I was offered to further in Biology, and for those who know me, you would know how deep my love for Biology is haha. So here I am, struggling my way through 3 years of degree. In fact, sedar tak sedar, I'm almost halfway through semester 1. TIME SLOW DOWNNNNNNNNN! 

Nonetheless, I'm doing fine alhamdulillah. It's week 5 now out of 14 weeks. Things get harder and time just runs. I'm still trying to adjust myself to truly get a grip! Five weeks in, assignments are flooding in, tests, quizzes, same old universities stuff. Honestly though degree is no joke. I thought I was already busy during Asasi, I am TWICE as busy now. During foundation I would never skip spending weekends at home but now I voluntarily want to stay here just to sort things out and complete my work over the weekend because I know if go back home, zero work would be done.

Thank you anyway for spending your time reading my blog. I'm such a bore, I know. Write soon. x

UiTM Dengkil 101

Disclaimer (2022) : I wrote this entry back in 2016. I was the first batch there, so a lot has changed since then. Please take this with a grain of salt. Thank you!

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A very much overdue entry. This entry has been sitting in my draft for over 2 months, blank. Baru tulis title and I left it in draft for so long! This is a request entry by a junior, I think. So if anyone of you who are not interested to know details about Uitm Dengkil and how I survived a whole semester there, you know the way out, hehe..

Logistic

Dengkil is surprisingly very near, at least for me. Sangat easy access. About an hour or less (It might take shorter than that) to get to KLIA, KLIA2 and Putrajaya Sentral. Kalau nak outing every week, you can go to Alamanda or IOI Putrajaya. Can get there by bus tapi sekarang ni Uber and grabcar banyak so give them a call, you'll get there! Nak balik kampung pun senang, airport ada dua haha. If you want to go jauh sikit for outing, get yourself to Putrajaya Sentral (by bus) you can go anywhere. Panjang la langkah nanti.

Transportation

Bus that will stop infront of Uitm is Nadi Putra. You naik tu to get anywhere. That one RM2 sekali naik (if I remember it well). If you opt for taxi then you have to call yourself. Ada a few taxi dengkil that I've heard of but I don't have their numbers plus I don't think it is okay to put it here LOL. Otherwise can take Uber or grabcar like I've mentioned. If you pandai drive, dekat dengkil kereta sewa bersepah. Banyak options cuma kena rebut sikit la sape cepat dia dapat takut kereta habis.That one kena pandai pilih which one is better and cheaper. Jangan sampai kena tipu and be careful berurusan dengan strangers! *tetiba*

Internet

Jangan mimpi dapat wifi. I don't know if they have fixed or upgraded their wifi now but mannnnn, their wifi sucks. 3 months there I probably used the wifi twice. I can't even get myself connected! But IF you ever get through, during class hour, intagram and youtube tak boleh access. They blocked the websites huhu. The worst have yet to come.. you also need to choose the best service provider because data can be so lembab too there. Or is it just maxis... =_____________='

Food

This is something that you don't have to worry about. We were spoilt with food that I gained while I was there. Mana taknya before class makan, after class makan, during class pun I munched on something.. But there are stalls yang lebih mahal from the others. That one you need to figure yourself la I don't want to mention them here.There's also a cafe there that we always call cafe hipster hahaha! It's Cafe Palma. The food is nice and portion pun boleh tahan besar so I really recommend but there are times yang cafe tu ramai orang and lambat so ikut nasib. If you can't wait then might as well just beli dekat Anjung (a canteen-like place where you buy food). There's also pasar malam dekat luar dengkil. Kena jalan sikit not sure how far because I've never been there. The food pun tak sure but you can discover yourself  ;)

Goods

There's two kedai runcit there dekat Anjung level 2. Both best and banyak goods. None are better than the other. You can get almost everything there. Toothbrush, toothpaste, towel, gayung, baldi you name it. Stationeries pun ada jual so no need to worry when you run out of ink hahaha. There's also kedai print and photostat for every student's needs! LOL

Course

There's not much to say about this and I can't elaborate for every course because I only studied Science but if you have any specific questions you can ask me directly. But generally there's no easy way out to success. You need to learn the hard way. All I can say is jangan malas buat tutorial (I skipped or tiru Chem tuto everyweek). Kalau tak buat pun kau confident je la masuk class at least you know what's going on. Kalau dapat lecturer jenis check kerja tu maaflah tak boleh bantu. I can't say which subject is the hardest because it really depends on yourself. For me it's obviously Chemistry hehhhh.

Those are all that I can share with you about Dengkil. I enjoyed being there so much. I miss that place every other day and I'm glad that my youngest sister is there to experience the same thing I had. Foundation year has been nothing but a roller-coaster ride for me. Alhamdulillah I got through it and I hope the same for you. Enjoy every second there, make memories! x

Final exam syndrome

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

I'm home from Dengkil & I am back for good!! Alhamdulillah.. 10 months of pure struggles and the fact that it is done, I am so so happy! I have so much to say and ideas are flowing like waterfalls right now let's just get into it before everything runs away.

The title gives you an idea of what this post is all about, I suppose. I want to share how I got through final exam that just recently ended. I hope I can help anyone of you who is also struggling with upcoming exams or tests. Mind you that this just my 2 cents and what I think works best for me. As some of you might have read my previous entry about my rant on how I barely surviving, and now that I am done with it, IT WAS A CHALLENGE. But alhamdulillah He made everything easy for me. Last entry was actually a rant on a particular subject which is Chemistry. I hated it, I still hate it and prolly will always hate it. I seriously never had chemistry with Chemistry. Even the subject never liked me. I failed every test there is.

  EVERY TEST.

 EVERY.

I kid you not. First semester; Test 1 failed, test 2 failed. Final exam I got B (fuhhhhh thank goodness!)

Second semester; Test 1 failed, test 2 I prayed harrrrdddd please let me pass for once! but nope, I failed, again. Final exam dunno yet. I just hope for the best.

With that damage has been done, I was so worried for finals. Can I pass? Do I still have hope to pass? Is it possible? Can I do well enough to pass? I have so many questions in my head which made me feel so pressured and stressed out. To make things worst, Chemistry was my last paper, masa tu kepala dah fikir rumah and all the movies I want to watch and all the hours I want to spend sleeping. Sighhhh

I knew I had to sacrifice a lot to achieve something; in this case, just to pass Chemistry. And the other subjects too, of course. The amount of topics I had to cover for the other subjects were way more than Chem itself. So I started to plan my schedule. I like last minute studying because I always forgot what I have covered just a few days later, so I did not start so early. I waited until all lectures and classes were done, then only I started revising. Thank god the final lasted for only for 2 weeks. Revising can be so tiring! I stayed up, sometimes all night long, sometimes half of the night, pukul 3/4 pagi camtu masuk tidur sbb tak tahan sangat mengantuk. Sometimes dengan housemate, sometimes alone. I drank nescafe to make me stay awake but at times kecundang jugak haha. If I had any other way of doing it I wouldn't be sacrificing my sleep. Thing thing is....I don't. I'm all about getting enough sleep. Some people prefer sleeping early and waking up at 4 am, I can't. I swear I tried but nope, I cannot wake up. I set 10 alarms but none of them successfully woke me up. I can't hear them and I don't know how my ears did that. I can hear 6 am alarm loud and clear, but not 10 alarms before that. How crazy..

My advise is, study when you can. Don't force yourself if you can't wake up early in the morning, don't force yourself if you can't say up till late night. It depends on individuals, really. Like I said, I can't wake up early so I had to stay up (with the help of a few shots of caffein, obvs). That one worked and I know that is my style of studying. You need to find the perfect time for you to study too. Not just that, figure out the perfect environment for you to study. Whether it is with music or without, alone or in group, by reading or doing exercises, Put yourself away from distractions. If you put your 100% focus, you can be done with revisions in a few hours (few hours is a JE for me bcs I usually take the whole day). Like my lecturer once said, it's not the amount of hours you put in the revision that counts, it's the quality of the revision.

Always keep yourself organized. Write down your plans, harini belajar apa, esok apa pulak and so on. Trust me, it will help you to be more systematic. Or probably it's just me. I love writing/jotting down notes and plans. I write down everything, from my current goals, long-term plans, my weight every month, to my period every month even though we have tons of applications that can do that job. Write. You have nothing to lose. Worst that could happen is you will be running out of ink.

Don't forget to take a break. You need it. It doesn't matter if you are running out of time and you still have tons of topics to cover, take a break. You'll get nothing if you keep forcing information into your brain but your brain is already too tired to take all that in. Have 5-10 mins break. Or 15 mins, you deserve it. Make yourself a drink, check your social medias, take a shower, get your mood and motivation back.

That are all the tips I can give. I did all of that during finals for both semester 1 and semester 2. Put aside the outcome (result), it is solely to prepare yourself for the exam, not to do well in exams haha there's a difference, okay. I wish all of you who will be sitting for an exam, or a test a very good luck. May you pass with flying dancing smiling colours :) x

Rants

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. 

This post is totally unplanned. I just need to rant a little. 

So it has come to the time when I feel like I screwed up the whole semester. The amount of stress and pressure I feel right now is beyond words. I have NEVER feel like crying in the class, infront of people but today, I am so close, SO CLOSEEE to burst into tears. Tears of despair and hopelessness. Ya Allah I thought I am strong enough to go through this test but I am not. I feel like I am good in nothing, I failed miserably, I can't keep up with the syllabus, and I feel like the time is passing by just WAY TOO FAST. 

I am 4 weeks away to final and I'm not even 10% ready for it. I want mum, I want to be home. Infact, I NEED. I am at my worst, my lowest. So close to giving up.. Ya Allah lift me up, make things better ya Allah. Forgive me for the things I have done wrong. Maybe my sins somehow slowed me from understanding, and doing well. For it I seek forgiveness. Please ya Allah, ease this journey you put me in. Help me get through :(