'19

This year, I will be 21 and I hope for nothing else, but to be a responsible adult, for my own good. I want to be an independent woman and not to depend on others as much. I want myself to grow more mature mentally. By appearance, I already look older than my age 😅 To love myself more and appreciate the people around me.

A paragraph I wrote a year ago became a curse to me all year long. 'I want to grow mature mentally' little did I know 2018 will be the year that my mental strength is extremely tested. In my last entry, I have done a recap on how this year has been for me. Alhamdulillah I survived until the very last day of 2018 despite the challenges.

To be honest guys, I did not do great for this year. I did not achieve most of my resolutions. Probably all, who am I kidding? I am not proud of it but I did struggle my way through it. One thing for sure, I do think that I did pretty good on being responsible and I am a lot more mature mentally. As for the rest of the resolutions;

- I did start cooking. I live away from parents for awhile so I had to cook meals myself but simple dishes though. You didn't expect me to cook Beriyani, did you? 😆 I helped Mum cook a heck lot because of her health condition so I pick up a lot of skills/knowledge from that as well.

- No sign of driving license yet. I know...

- I did pretty good in taking care of myself. I would give myself credit on that because I am a lazy person when it comes to skincare. But this year I took care of my skin and majority of the time my skin behaved so well. Except for that time of the month or when I am really stressed out. One or two pimples would show up. For body, I love how it is now. I have nothing to complain but mental health... not so much. I will do better next year.

- This one is the biggest disappointment LOL. I only managed to watch like.....10 lectures? I have no reason for that because I don't want to give lame excuses for why I can't do it. Excuses are for losers. I own up to my laziness. Forgive me God.

- I started reading again! However I only finished one book. The rest are still ongoing. There are like 4 ongoing books huhu it is so hard to find time!

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

After that I go through this year, I am nervous and scared of how 2019 will turn out to be. But deep inside, a part of me is screaming with excitement. I pray that however next year will be, I hope I am strong to face everything. With final semester and internship coming, I know that I will for sure be under a lot of pressure. I just need to be mentally ready and prepared for that.

Since what I said for this year came true and became a 'curse', therefore I hope 2019 brings happiness, success, and love. A lot lot of love. For myself, family and friends. Eternal, unconditional, greatest, purest of love. I also pray for Him to bless me with His love and blessings always. To protect me and the people I care for from harm and danger, from sickness and sadness.

I am very grateful for what 2018 has taught me. The experiences and the lessons. The new people in my life and the ones who left. I appreciate all of it.

Happy New Year, guys. Have a great one 🎉💛

2018 Wrap up

I will begin by saying that 2018 has been the toughest year I have ever gone through my entire life.

That is a big, and such a strong thing to say, but lord, I can't even describe how this year has challenged my mental to its maximum capacity (yet). I feel like each month in 2018 had been brutal to me. 

January was the most okay month where I only gone through a mental breakdown for a paper for finals. It was Parasitology paper. I remember I didn't get a minute of sleep because I was scared I couldn't do it. I might even fail the paper (which I didn't alhamdulillah). I was freaking out the night before the paper, I was crying, I need my mother at that time but I was in Shah Alam. I couldn't answer the paper though, as expected but I guess my carry mark helped a lot.

In February my best friend lost her beloved father. The first loss for us. A very kind Uncle that I've known for years. I wrote about this in an entry. I felt helpless and obviously sad for her. We checked on her every other day after that to make sure she's okay. I have always knew that she is strong but after what happened, I realized that she is more than just strong. She's incredible. I can't imagine being in her place, juggling between being the eldest to her siblings, the daughter that her mother solely rely on to and being a student. 

We moved in March. I bid Kajang goodbye. The hardest decision yet. The most bitter goodbye. This is probably the trigger to all my emotional breakdowns after that. I felt lost ever since we moved. I felt alone, distant. The feeling sucks. I can't see my friends as often as I did when I was still in Kajang. I can't always say yes to invitations, to mcd or mamak sessions because I'm not there anymore. To some that might not be an issue, but to me, it is. We are really close to each other. We see each other a lot. Amy and Mama was not really affected by the move though. Mama can blend in and cope to change so well. But for the rest of us... It was a big change. Subang is a completely different place to me. New people, new home, new environment. It was weird, it was awkward. Kajang will always be home to me, for all of us.

Talking about leaving, I was also sad about leaving Kristal View, my rental house in Shah Alam that I shared with 9 others. For someone who easily get attached to people, leaving KV was quite hard too. I love my housemates and I love the happiness I feel whenever I was there. I was blessed with kind souls, funny, caring, bright and lovely people. But I also knew that leaving was the right thing to do at that moment. I moved nearer to UiTM so there was no reason for me to spend money on something that is unnecessary. Plus my parents need me more at home.

This year is also the year where my parents' health deteriorate so much. Dad's thyroid level was so high that he almost had to drink radiation water. But thank goodness it went down after a few months. Mum had carpel tunnel syndrome that made her hand movement become so restricted. She had it since last year but it gotten worse to the point that she can't do things like cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning. So it had to be us. Early this month she got a surgery done on her right hand and it took around two weeks for recovery. That was the hardest part where for most things, I had to do. I would be okay with it if I was on semester break or any break but it was week 14, Amy was busy, Kakak was on confinement still. It was horrendous. Will get back to this later.

Just when I thought 2018 would not be so bad, I then lost two Uncles in a span of a month. I wrote about this in an entry and up until now, I still can't wrap it around my head. I was heartbroken. I kept asking How? Why? I'm sure some of you may have experienced a time in life where unfortunate things happened one after another. That was exactly how I felt (still feel like that for 2018). I lost a lot of people this year, I let go a lot of people. I left a relationship that was not 'direstui'. A year of talking and being friends had to be put to an end just because a lot of people a care for did not like us being together. I felt bad but it felt right to listen to people around me. Maybe they saw things I didn't.

Final year is stressful, obviously. I have only tasted half of it and I am already feeling the heat. Next semester I predict that it will be a glimpse of hell. I will be in the worst mood everyday, looking like a walking zombie and avoiding people all the time. I can be sure on that.

I can write forever on why 2018 sucks for me but I also want to stress on the good part of 2018. It is mainly Imaan Medina. I was over the moon when I got to know my sister was pregnant. We waited 3 years for this moment. The day she was born was probably the happiest day in 2018 for me. I love her, with all my heart. She is perfect.

Imaan Medina captured by sharpshooter_photographer (on instagram)
Go check her out guys she's awesome!

Imaan, you have all of my love. Thank you for making 2018 better with your existence.

Updates

Salam everyone!

I feel really happy for the fact that I am able to write again. I don't know why do I miss blogging so much even though my last entry was not even that long ago... I pernah tak post for even longer than this. But I guess it's only because I have a lot to say.. BUT I will save that for another entry where I will be recapping 2018. 

Can you believe that we are at the end of the year already? Yet again? Damn.... Scary how time flies. Anyway, I am finally done with classes this semester. My week 14 ended today! Relieved.... so much relief. Right now, it feels kinda weird not having to do anything (assignments, FYP etc) even though I still need to study for finals 😛

Next entry will go up soon InshaAllah. Unlike previous years where I do recap when we step into January, this year I will be posting it early, probably next week as I have nothing to do and also because I already have words in my mind; I gotta write them down fast.

Being a girl

I wish your future husband good luck - Mum

I was in the kitchen earlier today helping Mum prepare lunch when I mention about how I don't like kitchen work. I hate cooking, doing the dishes, siang ikan and all the other things you do in the kitchen. I hate it. I told her I would do laundry over and over again but not cooking. 

You would already know what she said to me after.. Hehehe 

Jadi perempuan ni memang la semua ni kena tahu, kena pandai buat bla bla bla..

Then we got to Mum wishing my future husband good luck. 

I'm not gonna get married.

Yea, right (mocking tone)

You see, this is exactly why I said it. I don't want to get married if I'm going to be told to do this, to be perfect at this, to know how to do this and that and this. Why is that? I honestly cannot wrap it around my head the actual essence of getting married. Why do we have to marry, even? Is this why we marry? I do not wanna use labels here but man, being a Malay girl is really hard. Pressuring. 

I think being a girl in general is already really stressful. Being born as a Malay girl made it worse. It is already a pressure being an anak dara, I can only imagine how much more pressuring it is being married. I am expected to know how to cook and be good at it, I need to take care of my body and look good for the husband, I have to be able to give birth and be a good mum. Without all these, I am not considered a good wife. 

I know, I know in some of you guys' heads you will be thinking 'Tya you're only 21, why are you talking about all this already'. It is because I have already being fed by all of the do's and don'ts. Mum has been telling (read: nagging) us sisters on this matter since we were still in primary school. Plus I am 21, and I am "expected" to get married in the next few years. I don't blame her for her conservative mind, she is very traditional when it comes to this matter and that was how she was raised my my grandmother. That has made her an amazing mum that can do literally everything. Truly, I look up to her. I wanted to be like her but in my own way.

But it is now a different time and era. Girls nowadays have so much to achieve, and we would want to reach for the stars too. We want a good career, comfortable life, expensive cars that we worked hard for. I have seen so many dreams go down the drain after a girl got married. Some couldn't further their studies, some quit jobs and that scares the crap out of me. I am an overachiever and just thinking about that, made marriage life even more unattractive. 

I respect everyone's life decisions. Some people put marriage as a goal in life, some others want to have a comfortable life before settling down and that's fine too. I rasa I dah lari dari topic sebenar. Perbualan di dapur became a whole topic LOL. I just want to put it out there that I hate cooking (and related activities) and that doesn't mean I am less of a woman. To conclude, being born with XX chromosome is hard. Bye.

P/s: Shout out to all girls. All struggling girls ♡

10 things you probably don't know about me

I feel like after a few years of blogging and being active on social medias, I have exposed a lot of things about myself. However, there might still be things that you don't know. You can leave your comment if you actually already know the things I'm about to tell 😝 

1 - I kept a t-shirt from when I was.......3(?) and I use it as a cloth to brush it against my cheek and I go to sleep with it. Sama mcm concept bantal busuk la but this is baju. (I can't believe I just exposed myself OMG) I only able to get rid of it early this year. 

2 - I should be having more than 4 siblings. My Mum had multiple miscarriages. 

3 - I only attend kinder garden for a year and then I quit duduk rumah tunggu Dyna balik tadika. #BOSS I sorang je tak ada gambar graduation tadika because I only went when I was 5 years old. When I was 6, I stayed at home teman my maid hahah

4 - I took taekwando sampai tali pinggang Kuning 2. JE. But I still remember most of the moves.

5 - I tak takut lipas atau cicak

6 - I was named after Atilia Haron (google her if you don't know her)

7 - I tak makan any animal punya insides. No hati, paru, pedal. Nope.

8 - I HATE cucur udang. I don't know why even thinking about it dah rasa lain macam dekat tekak.

9 - Zurin is not my father's name. Many people think that it is my Dad's. It's ours.

10 - I did so bad in school during standard 4 - 6 to the point I failed my Bahasa Melayu paper 2. My teachers did so well in preparing me for UPSR or else I would flop. 

Extra - I tak pernah hafal sifir. I survived anyway and at this point I don't need to hafal hiks.

Wordless Wednesday #4

Of rain and shine

Disclaimer: I started writing this entry in early September and only had the time to finish writing it now. 

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

The past month has been a roller coaster ride for me, emotionally. There were so much emotions going on throughout the month of August. One day I was happy and another day I cried my heart out.

Those who follow me on Instagram might already know, I lost two uncles, each were separated by exactly one month. Honestly I don't even know how to explain my feelings and thoughts. Even right now, writing this, I feel like my words are just all over the place. I'm sorry if this entry is a mess.

To begin, on 31st July we got the news of the passing of my uncle (from Dad's side). Truthfully, my whole life, I was never really closed to him. We would meet during every other raya or whenever he comes to stay the night at our house. BUT, ever since he fell sick early this year, I felt closer to him as we (my family and I) go back and forth the hospital to look after him. I can't tell you clear enough of how the situation was, or how pitiful I felt when I look at his face and knowing that I can't do anything. That morning when we got the news, I felt terrible. I cried and cried and I could've sworn, I did not even cry that bad when Nenek passed away. If you have been here long enough, you know how sad I was when Nenek passed away. This one beat that. The last time I met him was on my cousin's wedding, (just about a week before he's gone) we sent him to the LRT station after the event and his last words to us family were "I love you all". I will never forget that.

Shortly after, I went to JB and day trip to SG with the girl friends. It was our first ever trip together. Not to forget it was also my first time abroad. Yeap. I had waaay too many firsts with them, this is just one of many. It was fun, I had the best time (except for that one time I was being a total pain in the butt, I was moody and annoying only to find out my period came the next day lol I'm so sorry frens).

The next week, my other cousin got married (from Mum's side). This was probably the most awaited wedding heheh. We have been bugging Kak Wanie with the question "Bila nak kawin?" for years and years, finally the day came. We were all so happy and grateful. I was the pengapit btw 😅

Raya Haji fell on the 22nd August and all of us were supposed to celebrate it at Paklong's house in Sepang but that morning we got the news that Paklong was rushed to the hospital. It was already an emotional day for all of us and it got worst when Paklong wrote Mum a note (bcs he couldn't talk so he wrote instead) "I dont think I can make it this time, Ita". Water works. Even the gentlemen. We all cried.

31st August. He left us. I lost yet another uncle and he is someone that I love so deeply and respect so immensely. He loved to tease us, his jokes will always be a fond memory to me. He appreciated my massaging talent as he always puji how good I urut. One time he came all the way from Sepang (despite of not being well himself) just to have me massage him. I felt so so honored and nobody has ever appreciated my ability that way. To this day I still cannot believe he left us and it is really awkward to call him as arwah Paklong. 

Full circle of 31 days had my emotions went from sad to happy to content to sad again and that's just how life works. And to be frank with you, this is just a sneak peek of how this whole year has been to me. A lot to handle, a lot to comprehend, way too many emotions. 

To both of my late uncles, I pray that your world over there is much much better than life on Earth. We will meet again soon, until then I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Al-fatihah.

Wordless Wednesday #3

4 am

3.50 am, sat up straight on my bed, turned on my laptop that has been abandoned for nearly a month since I got back from Shah Alam, and put my Spotify on shuffle. What are the odds that the first song played is that one song I would want to avoid at times like this? I burst into tears. For all I know, this rarely happens.

It's currently 4 am as I'm typing this. You would know that this entry, isn't planned beforehand. I hope this post turns out sappy, sad and melancholy, just exactly how I feel right now. One of the very few nights that I feel terrible, lonely and sad to the point I hope I don't have feelings so that I won't be feeling this way ever again.

So when exactly the last time did I posted an entry like this? 2 years ago? A post that reveals the pathetic side of me. A post that will remind you that I'm just a normal 21-year-old female, who does feel sad sometimes and are allowed to have breakdowns once in a while. 

For someone that keeps things within herself, do not know how to open up to people, especially on things that involve feelings, I have reached my limit. It hurts to keep it all to yourself, doesn't it? I made a promise to myself that this blog will NOT be the place I vent out about personal things. I was more of an open book on this matter, but that was then. I learnt that not everyone cares, they only want to know.

I stopped writing on my sad days, I only write on my happy days. I avoided writing when I feel lonely, when I can't sleep at night just overthinking. Neither did I text anybody. I guess all of that just got bottled up in my chest and right now, I just can't hold it anymore. I burst into tears.

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

How come that it is already 21st Ramadan? We have only 8 days left! And that means we are already in the last 10 days of Ramadan; which is the phase of forgiveness. Alhamdulillah. 

Six years ago, in the month of Ramadan, Allah has opened my heart to take another step in the journey of being a better Muslim. I have been so grateful that I took that step and even more grateful that I did it as early as fourteen year old. Not even once that I feel like going back or that I regret changing so early. Deciding to put on the hijab was not hard, to be honest. The challenge was to make sure that what I do, and my character reflects the hijab I wear on my head. I take this as a blessing from God and to appreciate this blessing I have to please Him. 

I am no near good and just like other people, I sin on daily basis. Intentionally or unintentionally. Not one soul is perfect and so am I. But God is merciful and He will forgive as long as you ask for forgiveness. 

Yesterday I was reminded on why I started wearing the hijab. I had a moment of flashback and was brought to tears.. I love how little things just remind you of the decisions you made in the past, and knowing that you made the right decisions. I was in the class of my least favorite subject, answering a test paper. I sat at the most front, right in front of my lecturer's table. While answering the paper (it was hard, btw) I saw my lecturer writing down our marks for quiz on the mark sheet. She told us that most of us didn't do well. I was convinced that I did bad because like I said, I don't favor the subject. 

I keep on looking at the quiz papers to peek on my marks so that when I get it I won't be disappointed. While she was doing that, she also divide the papers into two categories; the ones that did well, and the ones that need improvements. I waited for my paper and then I saw it, on the former stack. The ones that did well. 

I was surprised and started to feel a lump in my throat. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I studied for that subject. I am lost in most of the lectures and hardly focus. In simpler words, I was slacking for that particular subject. But God is still so kind and merciful even when I do things half-assed. What else can I ask for? 

When I first decided to put on the hijab, the situation was almost like this. I had everything. God just give and give and give and I all did was take. My grades at that time was great, I almost did not feel the burden of studying. He made it SO easy for me that I felt like I don't deserve His kindness. What did I do to deserve this, ya Allah? I did not cover up, I did not perform my prayers but why do You still give me what I wanted? 

I was so ashamed of myself and felt so selfish. I knew that I have to start being grateful and actually showing my gratitude to Him, by doing things in His favor. I thank Allah for His bounteousness and blessings that He has showered upon me. May He forgive me if I ever feel ungrateful.

Blessed Month

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

Ramadan Mubarak everyone! Blessed to be given this opportunity again this year, alhamdulillah. Ramadan has always been one of my favourite months of the year. Just like everybody else, I have goals too. But this year is a little different. My goal isn't to khatam the Quran or pray more, or even to qiamullail every night. I just want to dress modestly. 

Those who know me, you'd know I have changed the way I dress. Yes, I notice and I know others do too. I have yet to explain why I did what I did, I don't think that needs any explanation. It just happened. Things changed, and I realized that 'change' should not be rushed. I feel like I have skipped certain phase or 'level' in my journey that made me look like I am going on a reverse mode, at some point. I miss the way I dressed, but I have not once regretted my decision. No two journeys are the same, and what I decide for myself might never work for you. 

Do note that I am still the same person I was, I haven't changed on the inside. My stand, opinions, and how I view at things are still the same. My love towards the deen does not deteriorate, in fact it grows everyday. I believe that how you dress does not determine how you are on the inside. I see a lot of Muslim women have the kindest and purest hearts despite them not covering perfectly.

However I have learnt a lot from this change. I learn to never judge people based on how they dress. They might be better than you are. They might have stronger connections to Allah than you do. Also, another thing that I learn is that, men will treat you differently based on how you dress. I can see the difference on how they treat me (first-hand experience) when I dress the way I did few years back, compared to now. Oh my god, I am truly disgusted. But yes, it truly is a lesson for me to learn. It goes back to you. If you respect yourself, people will respect you. They would not talk to you as if you are an object. Sexual object, to be precise.  

So this Ramadan, I hope to dress modestly for Allah and for myself. Whatever you wish to achieve this Ramadan, in the end, our goals are only one-- to please Allah. May Allah ease it for me, for you and for everybody else in our journey to be the best Muslim we can be. InshaAllah.

Missing

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Hello everyone, how's everything? I hope all of you are doing good. I'm feeling fine, just recovered from bad flu and cough. I am not completely healed yet, but doing so much better now. Alhamdulillah. You know, I rareeeely get sick. I can say I get sick like once a year. ONCE. I have sinus and yes, my nose is super sensitive so I always get the 'sinus flu'. But those who have sinus would definitely know, flu that you get because of sinus and flu because of a virus are two totally different flus. 

Anyway, I missed writing. I caught myself talking to myself a lot, it is a habit of mine but I find myself doing it a lot more lately.. That's when I know, I must blog. I skipped the whole entire month of March, and it's mainly because there were a lot of things happening and I really don't have the time to sit and write. 

New semester has started, and I have been busy with classes and just life in general. I'm halfway through the semester now as we are already in week 7. It's really crazy.. The last time I posted, I was still on semester break, and now... sikit lagi cuti semester lagi 😅 I can't tell yet how this semester is going to be because I'm still calm and honestly I have been YOLO-ing all  my tests and quizzes and I wasn't scared or nervous. It's weird.. I'm always the type yang would gelabah kalau tak habis revise even if it's just for a quiz. I don't know what's up with me these days.

Some of you might also know that, I've moved. After 14 years living in Kajang, we bid goodbye. I felt sad, of course. I know it will not be the same anymore. I can't go for McD or mamak session with my friends at night anymore, I won't be able to be there for my friends if they need me as quickly. You know what I mean, right.. It's not just because of friends.. Kajang is the place I grew up. I spent 7 years of my life in KL but it wasn't the same as Kajang because I was small, I basically didn't remember most of it. With Kajang, it's different.

I mentioned about our last move here too, now four years later, we moved again. Crazy how I've documented so much of my life here.. 

DAY 28

What is your favourite thing about Friday nights right now?

Knowing that the weekend is here! Every Saturday we would go and gather with Mum's family and honestly I've been doing that for 21 years now and I still get all excited to meet them. Every week guys, without fail. 

It's the end of the challenge(?)! I don't even know it is a challenge or what but I made it! I have completed the questionnaires (skipped a few days, but still). Thank you for actually coming back everyday and read every entry, I truly appreciate it. 

I will write again soon 😊

DAY 27

How are you feeling today?

I feel absolutely great. I turn 21 today, alhamdulillah. I can still remember my entry last year when I turned 20, I freaked out and I had so many feelings about turning 20. Adulthood really is something, or maybe it was just me. I just felt like I had to achieve as much as I can in my 20s and I felt really pressured by it. 

Fast forward a year later (today), when I look back, I actually feel like I've been handling it well. I am happy that I get to achieve everything I wanted when I first turn 20, I wrote about it too. My life as a 20-year-old lady sailed smoothly, alhamdulillah for that.

I am a year older now, hopefully a lot wiser. Today has been so good ever since the clock strikes 12 am. Received wishes from friends from school, foundation, degree, my housemates, the girlfriends, my family.. Some of the wishes touched my heart, I felt so so loved. 

Received a surprise bouquet of chocolates too! It was really funny to think about it because I have never received such thing.. I was left in shock for a good 30 minutes guys, I'm not even kidding. I felt really happy and grateful to be having kind souls in my life. I must've done something right in the past to be blessed with you people. 

My hope this time around is for me to be a better version of myself in every aspect there is. To be wiser in making decisions as what we do today, will determine our life years to come. Always be careful with my words, my actions. To speak only when necessary as words kill, and if you have nothing good to say, remain silent. I aspire to be kinder to everyone around me, to appreciate their presence a lot more, and to always make them feel like they are important to me, because they really are. 

Thank you to those who wished me, made time to call, sent me long birthday wishes, posted ig story dedicated for me, you guys made me happy today. It's true when people say, it's the thought that counts. No fancy things are needed, this is more than enough. God just gives me more and more reasons to be grateful for, when He brings you guys into my life. You guys know you who are 💘

DAY 26

What are three things in this past month that you're thankful for?

1. Mum and Aunt went back home safely from performing Umrah.

2. My small but precious circle of girlfriends. 

3. The way I was raised by my parents. I truly believe who I am today is the outcome of their didikan. 

May I add another;

4. For all the life lessons I've learnt throughout this month. Wallahi it has been eye-opening.

DAY 25

What are three things from this past month that have been surprising?

1. My results. I expected the worst (learnt from experience), but alhamdulillah it turned out to be better than I expected.

2. The gossips of the entertainment world. Not gonna mention what are those.. 

This place must be clean and positive LOL

3. The other day I lay it on the line to someone regarding something. I was trying to be frank and surprisingly that person take it with an open heart. It went well, I obviously thought it would end badly though...

DAY 24

What are you watching on television these days?

Keeping Up With The Kardashians. 

Godddd, I love them.

DAY 23

What made you laugh today?

I don't think I laughed today that is significant enough for me to remember, I laughed and giggled to Amy's goofiness and that's it. It was all serious today as we went and visit my other uncle in the hospital and went back still talking and discussing about him. 

DAY 22

What's something that you're currently excited about?

I have two;

1. Me turning 21.

2. Entering semester 4 in a week.

DAY 20

What is family life like right now?

Alhamdulillah very good. My family isn't big, and our age gap are not that far among us sisters. We are very close to each other, tak jumpa kejap pun dah rindu. We are all so hyped everytime Mum comes back home from work. My parents are doing well alhamdulillah but I am a little concern of their health. They are getting older, obviously and I am not always at home (except for right now because I'm on semester break) as I practically live in Shah Alam now.

My Dad is not as strong as he was before, he has hyperthyroid that makes him lose sleep, sweats a lot and has trembling hands. All of that made him lost some weight. Other than that, he's fine but it really worries me to see him sigh if he doesn't feel right with his body. My Mum on the other hand selalu sakit kaki lah, lenguh everywhere, senang dapat batuk/selsema and being the woman she is at her age, sakit sikit-sikit like that makes her sooo tak larat nak buat anything at all. It drives me crazy, I'm always worried sick. But alhamdulillah, everything is under control, and they are considered healthy still.

My eldest sister is in Ipoh, she lives there with her husband. They come back here quite often and we would always communicate via whatsapp. Amy & I are studying Shah Alam, only the two of us are always around. Amy would ulang-alik Kajang-Shah Alam everyday. I would try my best to go back to Kajang every week because I know how sunyi this house is with just the three of them. Dyna pulak in UTM, Skudai JB. She comes back once a month or whenever necessary.

Grateful for them all 💖

DAY 19

What is something that frustrates you?

I don't get frustrated often, very rarely, actually. There are things that can frustrate me so much but I have been thinking since yesterday of what would it be? I can't even come up with ONE. Even if I do get upset and frustrated with something, I would get over it by the next day. 

DAY 18

What do you see outside your bedroom window?

I see a scorching hot day. OMG the heatttttttttttt. Other than that, I can see my neighbour's window.

DAY 17

What are you struggling with the most right now?

I'm on semester break, I have no worries. 

.

.

.

.

Ok maybe just one -- clearing up my skin. HAHA

DAY 16

Describe a moment from today that you want to remember always.

I'm sorry this post goes up late. I was away for two days, my family and I went to JB for two days, so that's why. On the 16th, we went and visit my uncle from Dad's side at the hospital. He was admitted, he is suspected to have dengue.

On previous entry I said Papa is a family oriented person, today I want to say how lucky he is to be getting Mama as his wife. Looking at Mama and how she accepts Dad's family and treat them like her own, amaze me. I can say that family belah Papa if anything happens, akan cari Mama dulu. She will be the person people first contact, and not my dad. How weird, but yes. That's how Mum is well-accepted into the family.

At the hospital I was touched to see Mum's concern look at my uncle as she sits on a chair right beside his bed. Dad was beside me talking to his anak buah, across both of them. I aspire to be exactly like Mama, she's the ultimate example of 'when you marry a man, you marry his whole family'.

DAY 15

How has life changed for you in the last year?

Hi! I'm sorry that I skipped a few days just because I have nothing to say and the questions are too boring for me to answer, let alone for you guys to read lol *yawn*. 

Life hasn't changed that much in the last year but I do experience new things that I surprisingly love. First of all, I joined silat olahraga for my kokorikulum in university. Initially I felt dreaded that I had to choose silat because I was not into it and never had interest in it. Other clubs were full and I followed my two other friends who also joined silat so I thought I would enjoy it at least a wee bit. But, surprisingly I love it. I enjoyed every class because I had amazing cikgu, he's so funny he make my day every week & I always have a good time at silat practice. I instantly fall in love with silat, it literally changed my perspective on silat.

Silat level II however was a tad bit stressful. I was the secretary for silat and we had to plan an event so it was a lot of work. We had meetings, reports to be done, letters to be made and sent out. In the end, the event didn't even happen. All of the hard work and time spent gone to waste, but I honestly didn't mind it though because all of that work, taught me so much. I now know how to do official letters and stuff. Silat had been testing my capabilities in so many areas that I never thought I'm capable of doing. 

Secondly, I learnt not to generalize people. I used to say all law students act a certain way and they are all the same. It's the kind of generalization I have in my mind since foundation days ok don't blame me. Thennnn, God is the best of planners, He put me in a house with 6 law students. Yeap, sekali enam Dia bagi. I was surprised, yet again. They are all nice, decent, funny people. I'm way too lucky to be getting them as my housemates. They are all hardworking peeps too. I felt like final exams weren't as stressful because I have them. We struggled together, stayed up and motivate each other. Gahhhh, I love them.

Lastly, I realize that you cannot force love. It happens when it happens. No matter how close you are to that person, or how much time you give. Doesn't matter how much attention that person gives you, or how kind that person is to you. Never let it grow out of pity, it will not last. And when it really happens, you will never have to question if the feeling is real ever again. If you do, then that's not love. 

DAY 10

What do you usually do when you feel sad or down?

I let myself to feel sad. Because it can be healing. I would listen to sad songs, acknowledge my sadness. I would tell someone about it sometimes but rarely though. I will make sure I get over it by the next day.

DAY 9

What were you scared of when you were little?

My parents.

DAY 8

What do you remember about falling in love for the first time?

Ok honestly I don't remember when did I first fall in love because I started having a crush on someone since standard 4? lol I know... but we only got 'close' with each other two years later. And I realized that my relationships gotten more and more serious after that. So, when and with who that I really "fall" in love with for the first time, I'm really not sure because I was so young and foolish to call it love so I guess it started with just a crush on that person. Huge one, LOL.

 I had a few relationships yang I feel really invested in and each one gave me different things to remember and lessons to take from. This is really embarrassing to share but I will do it anyway because like I said, I'm an open book here, and this place is VERY close to my heart. If you know me for a long time, you'd probably know who are these people (of course no name will be mentioned).

The first one is my first crush EVER. Note that I was in girls school for one whole year and I only have sisters. I never thought I was able to like a guy that much, I really liked him, guys. For quite a long time pulak tu! He was my close guy friend in primary school and I was the person he turned to when he likes a girl, so he wants to share it with me. Awal awal layan je la when he say he likes this girl yada yada (note that we were in primary, i know i know) but thennnn, I realized, I like him. After that his stories started to annoy me and I just wanted it to stop. When it didn't work out for him and whoever the girl was; I was happy. Fast forward two years later, the feelings were mutual. Something got in the way, he got into boarding school, we were back to being just friends. 

The second one is the first guy I cried for. Up until now I only cry for two guys, and I can literally count with one hand how many times I did. I hardly cry, ever. So it was really something that shocked me too when I cried for him. With him I learn that exes can be friends. Good friends. He is now one of my good guy friends. I know not many agree with being friends with exes but honestly, I have good relationships with ALL of my exes. I don't have bad blood with any of them. 

The third one was the first to pass a year. Funny is that, we were neighbours and our fathers are really good friends, even until now. It was awkward but also a good thing that our parents knew that we were together. With him I learn to love all of him. I love his family, I know all of them, I was close to his little sister. With him, I learn to love his strengths and weaknesses. To accept someone as a whole, and not only the good part. He saw me at my best and at my worst. He was with me through sickness and health. I was with him when I first wear hijab and he was very happy for it, it made me feel whole. He was also there when I was hospitalized and had surgery. It was really another perspective in love, and I am still very much grateful I met him.

The last, my longest relationship. I realize love can happen when you least expected, and relationship is so much more than just love between two people. With him, I shared the most. I felt like I know most of him, what he loves and what he hates and I told him mine. He was good to my sisters and always ingat Mama when he travels. He would buy souvenirs for me and Mama. I knew and loved his friends, he also appreciate my friends and treated them like his own. His group of friends and mine became good friends when we started dating. I learn to fight for love, to do what it takes to keep us together. I was completely serious about us though. After him, I told myself to never settle for less. I couldn't think of any other guy that I would fall for next, because for three whole years, it was just him. 

I know some might think that four exes are a lot, but I regret none. I may have made mistakes in my life but these are the learning process for me to make better of myself and not everyone is able to experience this. All of them now are in my circle of friends, like I said they are good friends of mine and I am thankful that none of them had any issues with me. We accept that things don't always work out the way we wanted to, so we move on ✨

DAY 7

What are the qualities that you value in a friend?

It's like nature knows this beforehand. I have a story to tell. My best friend's father passed away earlier today. Truthfully, I knew this day would eventually come, that one of us would lose a parent. However when I received the news, I couldn't believe it. It was nearly 2 am when I got the message and I wasn't asleep yet. I sat in disbelieve for a moment, thinking 'it's really happening'. 

As we are growing up, I know and realize that our parents are getting old too, I know we will get here, one day. I know very well that I will experience the loss of my best friend's loved ones, if not my own. But God, I was not ready for this. I love my best friends, they are like my own family. Their family are like mine too. 

We went to her father's funeral and went back to her house for tahlil afterwards. I couldn't think of anything else other than to be there for her, to comfort her when she needs it, and to help as much as we possibly can. I'm so grateful that most of us can be there for her as we are on semester break/finished diploma already. In the midst of helping out, I thought to myself, would I still have them when my time comes? When I need them one day? We are 21 this year, having responsibilities in our plate now, most probably busier in the future, so life can get in the way when I want them around..

You see, I value my best friends and the qualities they carry with them. Seeing what happened today, made me realize that they are truly one in a million. I may not get any other friends like them. I know I can count on them, and I know they would be there for me to fall back on to. They are the place I can share my happiness with and they would be happy with me, the place and I can vent out to and they would listen, the place I can cry to and they would cry with me. Today is the day I really feel like we've shared happiness and sadness. Together.

And to you my best friend, you've showed me an incredible strength and patience. I might not be able to be half as calm as you were today. I love you, please know that we are here always, if you ever need us 💖

DAY 6

Where do you want to live when you are old?

Honestly, I don't know. I have never thought I would actually get there, you know what I mean.

I always feel like I would die before I'm able to get old.... But hopefully somewhere quiet, most probably not in KL or Kajang. 

DAY 5

How are you feeling about this year?

Honestly I don't know what to expect. I only hope for the best. Like any other years, I set goals and try to achieve them, create memories, make friends, work my way to excel my studies, and that's it. Only that, I'm turning 21 this year and MAN I FEEL OLD. I need to figure my life out and work my butt off to get where I want to be. Pressured.

DAY 4

Write down five things about your father that you always want to remember.

1. Very discipline in terms of taking his medicines. 

This is one thing that I wish I could take from him. He always ingat when to take his ubat without anybody reminding him. Even when dia rasa sihat, he would still take his meds as prescribed. 

2. Never picky when it comes to food. 

I think I have this too. I admire how he's always tak kisah whats for dinner ad would eat whatever that is being served. He also has the best eating etiquette. He takes the nearest lauk first, and tak makan excessively. And if he thinks the food tak sedap, he would still eat it. He'll say it only after he's done eating. "Tak sedap la this food." We would laugh because hello??? dah habis apa yang tak sedapnya... But that's just him yang tak suka membazir. 

3. A family oriented person. 

Both of my parents are but with Dad, he's different a bit. He has the biggest family ever. I can't even keep up. He would make time to visit his relatives, aunties, uncles, anak buah baru bersalin, almost ALL weddings there are, ziarah if ada anybody passed away even if the place is an hour plus away. He remembers them all. Belah arwah nenek and arwah atuk both family besar that I would ask everytime; "ni belah siapa, Pa?" Tak pernah ingat. I feel somewhat pressured to continue this after he's gone (nauzubillah). I respect how he appreciates his family yang tinggal and still care to visit. What a noble act.

4. A loving father.

My dad still hugs and kisses me when we meet, or when I'm going away nak keluar or nak balik Shah Alam. I know tak ramai fathers yang still do this to their daughters. Salam cium tangan and that's it. He has 4 daughters and all he can do is to spoil us all with his love and he really does that. Papa suka kacau us, he would cubit us tiba tiba, percik air after dia basuh tangan or sapu air on our faces, tampar our faces (tak kuat la ofcourse manja manja one) and he would laugh when we go "ouch!!". Probably the thing I will miss the most if I move out from the house. 

5. The best listener.

I love when he would just listen to Mum's rant after work tanpa penat atau bosan because he has to listen to that literally everyday. He is a great listener and you can just say whatever, he would listen. He's not much of a talker, so his response might be short and sweet but he would just sit there and listen to you. I love it.

6. A Malay drama trash
Tetiba teringat this one very important thing about him that I want to remember forever. This part is added a day after I publish this entry, hence tetiba ada 6 things 😂 Papa is a Malay drama trash guys. He watches every drama there is. Usually dia tengok je apa yang ada dekat TV tapi bila dah start tengok, dia ikut drama tu sampai last episode. My friends know I watch Malay dramas but tapi Papa lagi teruk! Ahahahah funny to think of it.

I love so many things about you, Pa. You are definitely not the perfect Dad there is, because nobody is perfect and I have never doubt your love to us your daughters as you show us that everyday. 

DAY 3

Describe your first overseas trip and how you felt.

As sadist as it sound, I have never been overseas. 

Yep, not even once. Sabah is the farthest I've been to LOL.

DAY 2

What has been your most poignant experience with loss?

I have two. One, is when I lost my grandmothers. I was crushed both times. My grandmother on Mum's side whom I call Wan, passed away when I was in standard 5 (8.8.2008). I see her every week because Mum's side of the family have this tradition or kebiasaan that we would gather every week on Saturday. We do nothing fancy, just hang out together. So it was really strange not having her around anymore. Since I was only 11 years old at that time, I was not that close with her. To add up, she was a strict grandma, so I was more takut of her and tak manja manja with her. 

My other grandma on the other hand.... FUH I don't even know where to begin. I love her way too much. When I lost Wan, she was the ONLY grandparent I have. You know grandmother's love is one kind, and I truly feel it with her. I call her Nenek. When she passed away, the heartache was too intense. I was crushed. I felt like a piece of me was gone. She didn't have chronic disease what so ever, she was just old. She passed away in 2014. I wrote all about it in an entry, you can read it here. I was so affected by her death. Up until now, I still hope she's here with us. And I still feel awkward to say 'arwah' nenek.

The second experience is when I lost someone who meant the world to me. It was too heartbreaking I wouldn't wish it for anybody else. There is nothing left to explain here, I've said enough. I wrote about it in an entry, you can read it here. And then I felt better, I was doing better, I wrote another. 

These two are my most poignant experience with loss. 

DAY 1

Write down your fondest memories to do with a childhood pet.

I've had pets when I was growing up but it didn't last or survive for that long. I've had hamsters, cats, fishes but I've never felt a close connection with them. It didn't tear me apart when they die or when they ran away (not the fishes, they can't run lol). 

Not until we got a rabbit. We named her Perry. It was not too long ago though, about 4 to 5 years back. That's when I truly feel the love and emotional connection with a pet. We love her dearly. Bought another rabbit to mate her with. The next thing we know, we had like 6/7 rabbits. 

One thing about rabbits is that, their immune is not very good. They fall sick or even die easily if somethings not right. We had Perry the longest, she grown big and had many offspring. One day she just fell sick. We were SO sad, brought her to the vet but after we got back home, a few hours later, she died. 

I've never cried over the lost of a pet before, but I cried hard when she died. Couldn't bare any more loss, we stopped having any pet since then. 

Obviously not the fondest story, this is tragic.

Favourite month

Salam everyone!

We're at the end of January, so it means that my favourite month is around the corner!! I'm on my semester break now and I have been doing nothing productive at home and I'm tired of being a slob LOL. So with that being said, I will be blogging everyday in the month of February to fill my free time. I will be answering one question each day. 

I found this on pinterest the other day and thought why not answer it here.

Anyway, January has been great so far. Grateful for so many things and yes, there were some days that I feel super sad and this month's menstrual was the worst. I was super uncomfortable for DAYS. I had difficulty to fall asleep and my body was just blerghh. I felt terrible. My mum and Aunt went for Umrah and they will be back soon InshaAllah. Third semester ended and I am halfway through degree! Crazy.. This blog has been with me since high school days and look where I am now. Sheesh I'm old! 😂

Twenty Eighteen

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Happy New Year! Another year has passed and I honestly very am grateful for 2017. I was a great year. I made new friends, learnt a bunch of new things and it was also a year of self discovery. Last year was the kick start for me taking my life seriously and look at it as a mature person. I remember writing on how I am very anxious of being 20 and it scares me not to be a teen anymore. I think I did a good job being an adult 😜 I truly felt 2017 had been the year I improve myself as a person and actually accomplished most of my resolutions! A great, great year, alhamdulillah.

This year, I will be 21 and I hope for nothing else, but to be a responsible adult, for my own good. I want to be an independent woman and not to depend on others as much. I want myself to grow more mature mentally. By appearance, I already look older than my age 😅 To love myself more and appreciate the people around me.

This year's resolutions are not as many as last year's so here goes my new year resolutions;

- To be able to cook. 

At home, I always help Mum, Amy and Dyna in the kitchen but I never ingat the recipes and never had the courage to try to cook on my own. So this year, I'm going to try and challenge myself.

- To own a driving license.

Sound familiar? Yep, this was last year's resolution 😅 By the end of the year, inshaAllah. This one tak berani janji hahahah

- To take a better care of myself.

This is kind of open-ended. There is no actual goal that I can achieve but as long as at the end of the day, I feel good about myself and love myself more, it is enough. This includes taking care of my body, skin and mental health. To think positive in any situation and to always feel that I am enough 😊

- To watch Islamic lectures every week.

Never forget your spiritual goal, guys. Self improvement that I am hoping for this year includes my relationship with God. One lecture per week as a start and hopefully I will stay true to it. There are 52 weeks in a year, 52 lectures inshaAllah.

- To read books.

I have 235743 books to finish and let's just hope I get to finish reading them this year. I love reading, I just can't find time to do it anymore. This year, I will make time! 

There you go. Five resolutions to be accomplished. I felt like I just made 2017 resolutions and now it's 2018! Fuhhhh time can chill a bit.