How life has truly been

I didn't plan on writing a life update but a lot has happened in the last couple of months that I feel the urge to write. Before I start, I hope all of you (anyone who happened to read this) are doing fine. Because I am. More than fine. I have been in a very peaceful place, I'm happier than I have been in the last couple of months.

If you read other entries, you know I had some sort of a meltdown in June/July and I'm so glad I am way past that phase. Alhamdulillah. Some people told me it may be anxiety and after that I became more empathetic towards those who actually suffer from anxiety. Mine was mild, and it was just one time but I can't imagine having it on a weekly/monthly occurrence. I pray for your wellbeing, I really do.

I am now in a very healthy headspace. I've been seeing friends and family again, I'm laughing more often now, I'm still stressed out at times but those are inevitable, lol. But getting my weekly dose of social interaction feels really, really good. That boosted my mood by a lot and knowing my loved ones are also healthy, doing good. Nothing feels better than that.

I finally reunited with my niece and nephew after 11 months. ELEVEN. It was the happiest weeks of my life this year. I can't tell you how much I miss them and being able to spend time with the kids, beat every feeling in the world. I felt whole, heart grew twice as big. 

Talking about family, I unfortunately lost another uncle last two weeks. I was so helpless at the time because I was away in Melaka with friends and oh, the guilt I felt.. to both family and my friends. I couldn't be there with my family, and I was also not 100% present during the trip. My mind was wandering, thinking. I went for a 2D1N trip to Melaka and I received the news at midnight. It happened so fast to even wrap my head around it. A bit of back story, he contracted with COVID-19 in August. His whole family got it but he had it worst. He was intubated and spend about a month in ICU. We had faith that he will fight it, he did. He shown progress and was sent home to recover. The months following that, he was making progress, slowly until he kind of relapsed just a few days before he passed. He was admitted again and that was when things just went downhill. 

While I'm still in the same topic, Dad is having a more frequent hospital visits lately. He was supposed to undergo a surgery earlier this year but because of the whole COVID situation and he's also not very fit for surgery, it was pushed back one too many times and it is still in the schedule now. Otherwise, he's fine. My mom is also well, alhamdullilah.

On a lighter note, I finally drove!!! OMG I can't tell you how I am actually still in disbelieve. It's really not a big deal but it is to me. For years, YEARS I had too many people asking me when will you get your driving license, girl? It got to a point where that question is a sore point for me. I don't like answering to the question because I didn't know when. Was I scared? Not confident that I can do it? Was it because of money? Or did I feel like it's too late to take it? Honestly I have no answer. Maybe all of the above but what I know was that I have been delaying it for too long now. 

I took that leap back in March when I registered myself for driving class, attended the 6-hour long talk in May, took the theory exam in October, and fast forward, last weekend I had the first 2 driving classes. It was nerve-wracking, exciting, and scary all at the same time. My instructor told me I did great for a first-timer (mind you I never tried driving illegally. I really am a good girl, lol. Or I was just chickened out la. One of the two). Do you understand how good that made me feel? Yeah I was smiling all weekend, safe to say. There's still more to go through, I don't think I'll be getting my license anytime soon. Probably in early next year. 

But all in all, life has been good. Universe has been kind to me lately. It only makes me be on guard and preparing myself on what could go wrong. Wired that way. 

When was the last time you truly ask, how your life has been? I hope it has been kind to you too :)

The importance of closure

I don't think anyone has ever told me how important closure is. You can't just brush off arguments, disagreements, and especially relationship or friendship that ended. You need closure to give you peace. 

I learnt it the hard way. I went years, YEARS to move on from a relationship that I thought I moved on from. Apparently I have not, until about year ago. For so long, I went about my life just believing that I have, and convincing myself that I moved on. 

And let me clarify that even when I have not moved on, that does not mean I wanted that relationship back. I don't. It's just that I did not fully accepted the separation and it still bugged me in the small, disturbing corner of my mind. I was always haunted by the bad memories and how I wished things ended differently. 

I can totally be out of love, can live my life perfectly but I hold some resentment and grudge over the fact that I know I did not deserve what happened. What bizarre was that, I did not realise it was a problem until I finally got the closure I needed.

I finally able to accept, forgive, and finally have that peace I did not know I lost. If nobody ever told you that you need closure to move on, I will be the one to tell you now.

Find that person you had arguments with, you broke up with or the friendship that went sour. Don't leave it unattended -- go back to it and end it the way it was supposed to. You deserve that peace of mind.

:)

p/s: this is a very Wordy Wednesday lol

Why working from home may not be for everyone

1) You tend to do work out of working hours, even though it is not expected.

2) You can't detach yourself from work mode. No time to cool off, moving from work desk to another thing immediately. No walks, no train rides, no small talk in between or change of scenery to distract you from work. I find myself having anxiety before sleep just thinking of working again just 6 hours later.

3) You get distracted so easily by family members calling you from the hall, parcel delivery, food delivery, tea time, and everything else in between.

4) Home is not a comfort place anymore, sucks how you can't say "I'm coming home from work" and have that happy-"finally going home"-feeling because you're just......at home. All the damn time.

5) The hardest part is to be stressed around the people who you wanted to hide the stress from. I hate to see the look in my family's eyes when they see me struggling. I know they wish they can help.

Work does not suck. But with the whole that's been going on (which thank God, it's easing up) life can be too repetitive that makes you feel like a living, breathing robot. The things that keep me going is the fact that my family is still healthy, untouched by COVID, our daily video calls with my niece & nephew, my friends & colleagues that make things bearable. 

Someone asked me if the office reopens but you can choose to work from or in the office, which would you pick? In a heartbeat, I'll choose working in the office. That's how much I miss it. 

But until then, I'll endure this. I have done this long enough to know I'll be just fine.

Wordless Wesnesday #14

Credit: Lindsey Eryn

 

Books I Completed #3

 

My last update on books I read was back in March and since then, I have completed a lot more. Truly this is the most books I've read in probably 5 years. I was not an avid reader, I can tell you that. But pandemic can really change your hobby, lol. 

I won't be giving review to each books like I did previously but I'll give my personal ratings to them.

the sun and her flowers & milk and honey (7/10) 

These are poetry books from Rupi Kaur talking about her past trauma, both set heavily around daddy issues, objectifying women and sexual abuse. A lot of the poems in the book made me feel really sad for her.

It Ends With Us (8.5/10), November 9 (8/10) & All Your Perfects (9/10)

Colleen Hoover has a very distinct style of writing. The storylines are not cliche but the way the hero & heroin meet for the first time is definitely only happens in novels, lol. My favourite of the three would be All Your Perfects because it touches on real issue (infertility) that people normally don't talk about and don't see how much it can damage a marriage.

The Wrath & The Dawn (10/10) and The Rose & The Dagger (11/10)

One story split into two parts. I...have nothing to say about these 2 books. Highly recommend. I cried like a baby for one part of book number 2. I was crushed beyond repair and I have not cried for a book in like.......YEARS. It was that good.

The Song of Achilles (11/10)

I understand the hype for this book now. It's a work of art. The style of writing, the language....chef kiss. Another book, Circe which is also from the same author is already in my TBR. There's hype for this book too, I just don't have the time to read physical book yet.

Say Yes To Summer (6/10)& Poemsia (6.5/10)

These 2 books are just alright. Light read, don't need much thinking or rock your emotions that much.

There you go, book review nobody asked for. LOL

Random, very random #3

Sometimes I am terrified of my own intuition. It scares the hell out of me because most often than not... it turns out to be true. 

There was a time I had a dream. Woke up super confused but only get the answer to that a month later, then only everything made sense.

Today it happened again, but this time it wasn't a dream. It was just a mere intuition, that turned out to be right.

of night breeze & disconnection

I forgot how nice the night air feels brushing across my face. Cool and calming. I have been inside for way too long, that's definite. 

I went out today. Had to take out the trash. Yeap, mundane. But I went out of my house, at night, for the first time in quite some time. It was really nice. I never thought I would appreciate the 3 minutes outside of the house this much. It's pathetic and laughable if I'm being honest. But it's the reality now and the only reason why I haven't been outside much at night is that I don't have the reason to. Most of the time, things were done during the day. Jogging, picking up parcels, or taking out the trash, for that matter.

Last week was rough for me. I took last weekend to reflect and detach myself from everything that can let me question my sanity even further. I took the initiative to let people know how I feel, instead of engulfing it whole, on my own. I reached out to my sisters, my mom, my friends, I also wrote. Of course, I did. Like any other thing, this is the means that has never failed to prove its effectiveness in making me feel better. 

It succeeded again this time around. But it was also contributed by another initiative I took. I logged out of my social media accounts -- Twitter and Instagram to be specific. I realized they added to the agony I already have in me. I'm already mad at the situation, feeling helpless, and when I read how other people are just as mad and frustrated; it fuelled my rage. I didn't know social media can do that to you as I have never experienced such feelings until this. Social media is a toxic place, as we all already know.

It has been exactly a week now, and you have no idea how much at peace I feel. I needed this, I do. I have not missed Twitter at all, not even one bit. I used to think I cannot quit Twitter, just because that's where I keep myself updated on what's happening around me, around us. Not just the spicy and juicy stuff, but also the important and pressing issues. But I knew better what's best for my well-being.

Now that I don't have social media to scroll for hours, I pick up books more often. I would spend hours just flipping pages (more like scrolling the pages as I read ebooks, lol). I have finished three whole books in one week. That has single-handedly made me feel good and contented and at peace. 

Are we really okay?

I have always been the one who prioritise mental health. I would make sure nothing can make me sad, I would protect myself at all costs, denying entry for anything that could disrupt my inner peace. 

But I think I forgot to really ask myself, am I truly happy? 

Feeling is a whole spectrum. You can be at any point within that spectrum and today (as I’m typing this) I stop and really think. Where in the spectrum do I land on? 

With lockdown and being at home for whole three months now, I have forgotten how it feels to be really, genuinely happy. Can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard that I shed tears, or the last time I feel my heart expands with happiness. 

Day feels mundane, stagnant & repetitive. Actually it does not feel repetitive, it is repetitive. Everything is so predictable and I have nothing to look forward to. The worst part is that, I have no idea when will this end. 

I thought I am mentally strong to get through this. Well for the most part, I was. But I’m reaching my breaking point, and for the life of me, I’m hoping I can push it through. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s pitch black here. 

I hope everyone is doing their very best to keep themselves sane and of course, safe. I never want to experience this ever again. Let it just be this once.  

Song lyrics that have stuck by me..

You know sometimes you like a song solely for a few lines that hits home or close to home?

Yea I have multiple songs that I love just for merely few lines. I am a sucker for a song with good lyrics and I appreciate songwriters that know exactly how to put words together. At times it can be mind-blowing.

Anyways, here is a list of song lyrics that I absolutely love. It may or may not relate to my life in any way, shape, or form. So don't look too deep into it hahaha and try to understand what it means instead. I suggest you listen to the whole song if you want.

#1: Cowboy like me, Taylor Swift. Super short line, but true as ever. As sweet as it sounds, "forever" is a lie. 

'Forever is the sweetest con'

#2: Feels right, Alina Baraz. I discovered her last year. Though I've listen to her whole album last year, I still go back to it all the time. And interestingly one song always stands out than the rest at a particular time, then it changes the next month. 

'You feel like heaven to me and everything in between'

#3: Marjorie, Taylor Swift. A long one and from different verses. This song reminds me of my own late grandmother that I miss, always. Only after that person has gone forever you realised you should’ve done more and appreciate them more.

'I should've asked you questions
I should've asked you how to be
Asked you to write it down for me
Should've kept every grocery store receipt'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me
Watched as you signed your name Marjorie
All your closets of backlogged dreams
And how you left them all to me'

'Never be so kind, you forget to be clever
Never be so clever, you forget to be kind'

'Never be so polite, you forget your power
Never wield such power, you forget to be polite'

#4: idontwannabeyouanymore, Billie Eilish. I don't think this needs any explanation, the lyrics speaks for itself.

'If "I love you" was a promise, would you break it, if you're honest?'

#5: Alive, Khalid. This whole song... You just have to listen to it. But trigger warning, it's about suicide, giving up on living. Fun fact, his concert was supposed to be the first international concert I go to last year in April but Covid-19 hits, I didn't get to see him live.

'Gatekeeper
Can you show me more to life
Mainly I've been living out of spite
Grim Reaper
Just give me one more night
I need another chance to say goodbye
I shouldn't have to die to feel alive'

#6: Take yourself home, Troye Sivan. I like a few lines from this song.

'Talk to me
There's nothing that can't be fixed with some honesty'

'Who you really tryna be when they you see your face?
Is it worth it trying to win in a losing game?'

If you keep on comparing yourself to others, you’re always going to want more and never really be satisfied. So you’re never going to win.

#7: Until I met you, Alina Baraz.

'Let me be your peace of mind at night when we're alone
Just know you can talk to me when you're feeling vulnerable
Can you promise
Through every sun and moon that you'll be honest?'

This lyric in particular speaks to me. I like to share my stories, and people tell me I'm a listener. I like the idea that people think they are safe to tell me anything, to be vulnerable with me. It's truly an honour. Because if I'm comfortable enough with you, you will see the most vulnerable side of me too. 

And this goes beyond the general view of it. Even for a partner, I hope that person knows that showing vulnerability doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. I also have said this before and I'm gonna say it again, I value honesty more than anything. Even if it's hard to swallow.

That will be it for now. I have loads more but I'll probably make another list next time.

Wordless Wednesday #13

 

Books I Completed #2

 I realised I go through novels way faster than I did for self-help books lol so late Feb I actually finished reading these 2 books. The first book, Landline is a book I have always wanted to read, but never got the chance to and the second book is a book I stumbled upon randomly and I really want to know what it is about.

Landline by Rainbow Rowel

Chosen excerpt from the book:

I root for the kind of love that helps you grow, liberating and freeing but also makes you feel whole and enough. But not in a mushy mushy way (read: cringe), if you get me. That's what this book is about, partly. Most of it is about saving an almost broken marriage. Pleasant read. I love it.

Rules For Being A Girl by Candace Bushnell & Katie Cotugno

Chosen excerpt from the book:

Honestly, not a fan of the book. Very teen-ish, I actually expected it by looking at the book cover hahaha. My 15 year-old self would love it. Though a lot of what was said in this book about how ridiculous it is sometimes to be a girl still remain true, I think it will not be in my favourite list. A light read, indeed.

I know I said I don't do book reviews but lol... here I am giving my 2 cents.

I am now, 24

 

I was wearing a kaftan, peak Aunty moment

I turned 24 last week. For the first time after a very long time, I did not feel like writing anything. I would always write something. But this time... nothing. An interesting birthday, I would say. Also feel like I've said enough.

What I've learnt? Done that.

What are the things I want to achieve? Sort of written that too.

To be really frank, I wasn't looking forward to my birthday this year. For some odd reason, I did not feel anything. No excitement, nothing. Is this how I will be feeling from this year forward? Probably.

However just like any other years, I always ended up enjoying the day. I was reminded every hour of how lucky & loved I am. Utterly grateful.

On a different note, I went to buy flowers on my birthday morning. I got myself lilies. Soon after I got them, I think I discovered I'm allergic to their pollen... My body just itch whenever I'm near them. Tragic. Never buying lilies again.

Books I Completed #1

This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe

My favourite excerpts from the book:

Secrets of Divine Love by A. Helwa

I have so many parts of this book that I love. How the book has shed light for me to see God's love in everything and be receptive of His love. I am a slow reader so I took a few months to complete this but it was worth taking time & really ponder upon the messages in this book.

Sorry I can't provide deeper reviews. I don't do book reviews, I don't know how to but I recommend both books for you to read. 

Random, very random #2

Sometimes it's hard to understand what God has in plans for you. Have you ever been in a situation where you're so close to reaching a destination that it made you think... 

'This is meant for me'

But in a blink, God swerve your journey to another direction and you're left feeling super confused.

One second something feels like it's safely in the palm of your hand and then another second it slips, and now it feels so out of reach.

5 things I want to fulfil in 2021

Image is completely unrelated but oh well. Taken in June, 2018

Every year I would have a list of resolutions but this year's goals are harder to measure. Most of it are not a do or don't/yes or no kind of goal. It's more of a spectrum of 'On a scale of 1 to 10 how do you score yourself' kind of thing. Let's see if I can even tick off half of these.. 

1. I want to complete at least 5 books. My target last year was 3 books but I only completed 2, and had 5 other books that I read halfway. Hence, this year (a bit cheating) I want to complete all of the remaining books.
2. I want to learn how to cook. My definition of 'pandai masak' would be boleh masak lauk Melayu. I don't know how to measure the success of this goal, but I'm sure I'll figure it out along the way.
3. I want to give more to other people. I have made it a point to give out to charity every Friday just to cultivate the habit of it. I want to give meaningful gifts for my parents/sisters/friends on their birthdays. I did not grow up with the tradition of giving/receiving birthday gifts or even celebrating birthday in my immediate family. I never had birthday parties, nor birthday gifts. The only time I would get gifts were as rewards for excelling exams. So I suck at gifting and I want to change that this year.
4. I want to travel abroad once it's allowed again. I know if we're being realistic, it's unlikely. But if we want to be optimistic, I'd say we might be able to in the last quarter of the year. Hopefully.
5. Ok the last goal I want to keep to myself and only reveal when I actually fulfilled it. Simply because this goal was in every resolution I had in the past years. You might be able to guess it already lol.

Since it's already more than halfway through January, I can say, January is not a good month. Some of the reasons being; we had Covid scare in the family. Some of extended families were actually tested positive of the virus. Then, the government announced another lockdown & I'm also having some health issue of my own, of which I have yet to get myself checked, so I'm still living in fear that I might be sick. 

However, I am still optimistic that it will get better in time. Happy 2021 🎉

Wordless Wednesday #12

 

p/s: Happy 2021 :)