My worst year yet..at blogging

This is by far the worst I've been at keeping up with this blog. I've only posted three entries this year! This is so few since I started blogging over 10 years ago. To make it worse, one of them was Wordless Wednesday, which technically wasn't my words—just an image. A cheat to make me post more on here.

Though I come out here only infrequently, I will never stop loving writing. Besides this space, I've been writing practically everywhere else: my journal, my note app, my WhatsApp (I sent it to myself)—about anything and everything under the sun. My random thoughts of the day, reflections, or my hopes and fears. Sometimes when I read back on old writings, I cringe at them, but most of them fill me with such nostalgic feelings. That's why I've always loved writing down feelings.

There was one post from back in 2019 that I recently read again. In that entry, I sounded hopeless, as if there was no way out of that situation. It was because I was in it for far too long—five years to be exact. And in my head at the time, I kept asking, 'When will this be over? When can I move on from this?' But patience was all I needed, as my questions were answered just a year after that. In 2020, I was finally free.

Reading that again in 2023, I was laughing-crying. I couldn't believe that 1) I was too young to be feeling that way. 2) God listens, always. You just have to put your trust in Him. 3) I moved forward, then went back to that thing I should have never revisited, and I finally moved on at the right time. 4) I came out from that understanding why the delay was necessary.

Anyways, I went totally off-road with that. My point is—I will continue writing for as long as I can. You'll find me here eventually, though not as frequently as I'd like. Until the next one!

Of life trajectories

I am 26, turning 27. I have plenty of friends that I follow on social media, and I love to see where life takes them. It always leaves me fascinated by how different our life paths unfold.

This is especially true for people I literally grew up with, my school friends whom I've known for more than half of my life. I consider myself lucky to be able to witness all their happy moments and successes. Sometimes I have to stop to take a moment and soak it all in. Reflecting on how we've grown up and now have completely different trajectories from the dreams we once had. Do you do that too?

Throughout my life, people had high hopes that I would become a doctor. At one point, I believed that's what I wanted too. It's easy to let others decide your path, especially when it seems like a great career choice. I excelled in science, so becoming a doctor seemed fitting. So I worked towards that goal, studying hard, as my only aim was to become a doctor.

When med school didn't pan out, I went with biology instead. I didn't mind the change, even though some believed I was settling. It was during this period that I learned to place my trust entirely in God. I realized that while I could plan my life all the way to age 70, God is ultimately the best planner. I knew He would guide my path, even during moments when I felt like a failure or when I was confused or second-guessing my choice.

Now, looking back on my journey after school, I'm neither a doctor nor pursuing a career in biology, yet I'm doing just fine. I have a career I enjoy, and not once do I regret the choices I’ve made. If I could talk to my sixteen-year-old self, she'd probably freak out. Back then, I was too focused on one goal and forgot that it was merely a dream of mine. Whether or not it became a reality was ultimately up to Him, not me.

Then there was the whole marriage thing. I used to think 25 was the magic number. I mean, my mom tied the knot at 24, and my oldest sister at 23. So aiming for 25 felt right. Is it not? But once again, God had a different timeline in mind.

I know all of you at some point in your life have experienced this too. Do you resent it, or embrace it? At times I wonder how my life would be if I made a different choice, if I chose a different career, if I did end up going to med school. Where would I be now?

Now, I'm starting to get why He kept shifting my plans. He threw some curveballs, changed up the route time after time. I’ve stopped feeling sad or questioning these changes. I know they are all for good reasons, and all I need to do is put my trust in Him. Everything will eventually fall into place.

I would be lying if I said I feel nothing seeing my friends have exactly what they wanted since they were young. A career they wanted at 16? Got it. Found their forever person and built their own little family. While I am genuinely happy for them, I can’t help but wonder, “What will my life trajectory be like?”.

Let's talk faith

I don’t talk about faith as much anymore, not here nor with my friends. The only people I’m comfortable talking about faith with are my sisters. We have the same journey and usually share the same struggles, so it’s always easy finding solace in them.

Every Ramadan, I reflect on my faith. It's true when they say that Ramadan is the month of repentance, reflection, and resetting. Whether it's about forming good habits like waking up early, planning the day, eating healthier, or for the sake of complete faith in the deen.

That's why Ramadan will always hold a special place in my heart. It feels like a fraud to say that I have more time in Ramadan to focus on the deen because, let's be real, you always have time. You just need to make time. And it's more convenient in Ramadan, to put it simply.

Ramadan is also special to me because in this month, 12 years ago, I decided it was time to wear hijab. It was honestly an easy decision to make. I was young (only 14 at the time), innocent, and probably a little naive, but I always knew it would be the best decision I would ever make.

Since then, faith has become a part of me that I will always take care of. I’m not convinced that I found my hidayah early, as cliche as it sounds, but I think I’ve started to look at faith differently. I started to understand, be interested in, and was a lot more willing to learn.

I’ve had my phases; some days I feel closer, other days I’m far gone. But I take inspiration from people around me, how they look at life, and how they always try, even with the smallest effort. It gives me comfort knowing that everyone else is just like me; we’re all trying in our way, fighting our own demons.

To everyone who’s reading, trying, fighting, contemplating, wondering, or questioning their faith — I pray that you’ll find your answer soon and that God gives you the peace you've been looking for.

Wordless Wednesday #15

 

A few of over 70 bookmarks/highlights I have for this book. 10/10