#TGIF I am beaten: reflecting on life lately

credit @disruptiveberlin

I am going to be that girl now, I want to complain. I want to vent and I want to tell everybody that I am tired. These past few weeks has been so tough at work, and my health was not cooperating too. In fact, I think my body was reacting to the pressure. I was sick for three whole weeks, I was absent from the office more days in the last 3 weeks than I've done all year. It was tough to be fully present when work was at the same time, demanding. 

It got to a point where even my empathy can't catch up with me, it was out the window. I wasn't mean necessarily, but it did feel like I was passing my stress down. The 'if I'm pressured, you have to feel the same' kind of thing. Now I understand how pressure can cascade down, to the people you're working with. Which is not fair, when it's my own emotions I can't manage. I felt guilty, but I also can't help it.

The thing is, I do understand that this difficult is needed. The reality of striving for the life you wanted is having to accept what comes with it. You just don’t realize how much you need to sacrifice. It's going to be uncomfortable and overwhelming and stressful. Having to trade free time, comfort, peace of mind, for a more chaotic, stressful and demanding life. But in the end, it’s still something you really want, in hopes it will all be worth it. 

But then again, how dare I feel this way? Complaining when this is a privilege -- to feel tired from the job I love, to be overwhelmed by workload and responsibilities that I prayed for. It's a constant war in my mind between feeling grateful but still could not help to whine. I have to remember that this is temporary, it will be insignificant in three months. I won't remember any of this and I will be glad I pushed through. A girl can't help but to complain a little.

#TGIF Books that left a mark

I am not going to sit here and act like I've read many books or that I am such an avid reader. I am not. I am in fact, a slow reader, I take my time when it comes to reading. I at most read 3 books a month, but usually only one. That means, I have not read that many books to be qualified to pick 5 best books to recommend to you. So I will preface this, you can take my recommendations, or you don't. No hard feelings.

The books I'm going to list down are the books that 1) I wish I can read again and feel the same impact it gave me. 2) Impacted me in different ways, either hits way too close to home or guided me through specific time of my life. Books should be able to speak to you, describes feelings you can't find words to. These books did that for me. Naturally, these are my 5-star rated books.

1) Khaled Hosseini - The Kite Runner

Is it even a valid list if there are no Khaled Hosseini in the list? It can't be. I have read all of his books, including the short poem and I can confidently say, The Kite Runner is my favourite of his. Like on top, for real. It touches on friendship, betrayal and loyalty so deep and so pure that you can physically feel the pain the characters feel. 

Not only that, the writing is just so complete. I don't know how else do I describe it, but I can tell you one thing -- every scene in this book is intentional. You will find the relation and the purpose of why that scene was written. Every single word, adds up to the plot. It's such a perfect book. A classic. Will always recommend it.

One thing I truly love about KH's books are the scenery he paints. I have never been to Afghanistan, and probably never will but I feel connected to Kabul, the capital, through his books. It's true that people say reading can take you places you've never been to. And I believe Afghan was such a beautiful place before the war and political turmoil. It probably still is a magical place, for all I know.

2) Khaled Hosseini - A Thousand Splendid Suns

Have you seen the rave for this book? As a woman, I would absolutely urge women to read this book. But beyond that, men please read this book too. You will understand unspoken struggles women go through, of course in Afghanistan will be different circumstances, but generally, it gives you the idea of how women are often seen, or expected to be and behave. 

KH write this book like he actually live as a woman, which blows my mind how articulate and spot on he is with the reality of being a woman. Even in this day and age where it should be 'modern' per say, there are still underlying expectations and discrimination women face.

Another thing I really admire about KH's writing and it's super consistent across all his books is how he able to write a story that goes on for years. All three of his novels follows the characters from childhood to old age and you still able to stay engaged and interested. He gets you so freaking invested with the characters. 

3) Coco Mellors - Blue Sisters

I have previously talked about this book in another entry. What else do I say? I have not changed my mind on this book, and I get sad when other people did not find this book as good as I did. But somehow I do understand because not everyone can relate to the life of having sisters. 

This book is deeply relatable to me, and it is because I live with sisters. 4 sisters, just like the book. I understand the grief, the dynamic of having sisters and how you can be so different from each other but so damn connected at the same time. There is no connection in this world is as strong and solid as sisters relationship. You can ignore it all you want, but it's always going to be there.

I saw a tiktok about the person saying, your relationship with your siblings is even stronger than of you & your parents. This is because, you are only half of each your parent, but you are 100% your siblings. I was left in awe at that discovery, it's so obvious, but I have never see it that way. It's so true though. My sisters are everything to me.

4) Allison Trowbridge - Twenty Two: Letters to a Young Woman Searching for Meaning

I read this when I was 25 going 26, I think but the contents of this book hits too close to home. I was feeling a little bit lost and behind during that year of my life. Reading this book feels like a big sister talking to me that it's okay not having it all figured out yet. 

We all are so used to chasing and running towards specific end goal, we berate ourselves when we didn't get there fast enough, or within the timeline that we planned. Truth is, we are exactly where we needed to be. You are meant to be here, you are meant to 'be late' and 'behind'. If we remove our hold on where we're supposed to be but just enjoy the journey of becoming, we would find a lot more meaning in everything that we do -- every bumps, dead ends and redirections will make sense. 

5) Dolly Alderton - Everything I know about Love

First of all, I wish I could be Dolly's pet sister. I am not even kidding. Having her as a sister would be so fun, and insightful. Reading her books also feels like talking to a big sister. She's funny, wise and relatable as hell.

This book talks about her experience of finding love in her 20s and along the way realizing that everything she needs to know about love, she actually is learning them from her relationships with her female friends. It highlights how having female friends enrich her lives in so many ways, so uplifting and fulfilling. I had to stop a few times while reading this books because it's so relatable to me. I am not in any romantic relationships and yes, I am open to it but at the same time I have this lifelong female friendship that has been my source of contentment for years now. Without me realizing it, they give me everything I needed, they taught me all I needed to know, they raised the bar for me, they set a standard so high that is pretty impossible for any men to match. Sorry, not sorry.

This book shed a new light, it expresses perfectly of how I feel about my female friendship, make me recognize the things I have not recognized before and make me appreciate my girlfriends in more ways than I already have.

#TGIF The family I chose

I'm going to be honest with you: I’ve been putting off writing this for a few weeks now. I kept finding other topics to write about instead. Not because this one isn’t important, it's quite the opposite. It’s so important to me that I wanted to write it right. But no matter how much thought I put into it, I don’t think anything I write can truly encapsulate how I feel about my female friends.

If you follow me on my other platforms, you probably already know that I talk about my girlfriends all the time. Some might even say I overshare. But for a long time, it didn’t occur to me that what I have with them is rare. That not everyone gets to experience a friendship like this -- a support system, a constant, a chosen family. And some days, I catch myself marveling at the rarity of it. Because let’s be honest: it’s not easy to find even one friend you can click with, let alone a group you grow with, evolve with, and still hold onto after all these years.

I’m not going to sugarcoat things and pretend we haven’t had our rough patches. We’ve disagreed, drifted apart, even stopped talking for months at one point. Especially during the transition from adolescence to adulthood, when we started to take different paths -- different universities, different friends, new environments. For a while, it felt like we were speaking different languages. But even then, we always found our way back to each other. We always chose to come home to this friendship. At least that's how I felt.

I  think often about how different I would be if I didn’t have them. Especially in those fragile years where you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, and where you’re headed. They’ve been there through all of it. We’ve witnessed each other’s growing pains, celebrated so many firsts together, and shared milestones that have shaped us. I've seen the girls get married, found the love of their lives, get promoted, moved to new places and recently, gave birth. And the most exciting part is? There’s still so much more ahead of us.

As I grow older, I have that fear at the back of my mind that we would outgrow each other somehow. But then I look at us, the foundation we've built, the effort we've put into this friendship (now more than ever) to constantly show up and be in each other's lives and the times we could have drifted and we didn't, it restored my faith. 

This friendship has been the grounding force in my life. It’s influenced how I think, what I value, and how I see the world. It’s fueled me, challenged me, humbled me, and healed me. Even in the moments when I didn’t realize I needed saving, they were there. Not as people who complete me, but as people who reflect the very best of who I am.

Beyond this circle, I’ve been lucky enough to find sisterhood in other phases of life too. Through university, work, and unexpected places in between. Some of those connections have faded, as things naturally do, but they’ve each taught me something. Still, this core group -- the girls who have seen me at my best and worst -- are the ones I keep closest to my heart.

So here it is, written in the only language I know how, a love letter to the women who have shaped me, held me, grown with me. At this point I hope they all know how much this sisterhood means to me. I have written letter after letter addressed to each of them, and now for all of you to know this too.

Thank you for the love, the joy, the life shared. I hope we never stop choosing each other.

#TGIF Un-tabooing therapy

This will be yet another vulnerable entry. A topic I've never discussed previously, because it was a strange topic for me too. I have never related to mental issues, however, I was tested with a degree of it sometime around last year.

Last year, I found myself in a dark head space. I was not happy, nothing excites me anymore. I was just cruising through life. I wasn't feeling the contentment I usually feel. I just feel.. lost. I had some personal stuff going on in my life during that time, so I guess that contributed even more to the feeling of emptiness. I got annoyed, mad and irritated so easily, by the smallest things that otherwise, wouldn't even bother me.

I have never thought about seeking therapy, but in that moment, I did not recognize myself, and I knew I had to seek help. I contemplated so much about where can I go and which facility I can seek help from. To be clear, I didn't have any dark thoughts about doing dangerous things, it did not get to me until that point yet. But it was the constant heaviness in my heart.

I had rounds and rounds of debrief with my sisters, which helped, but it was not enough. I even told them I had been thinking about seeking therapy and the too, supported it. I began to understand how important therapy is. Even if you think you're not doing too bad, you should still consider it. You should still be open to it. We all have past traumas that we carry for so long, that until one point, it gets too heavy to bear. There should be no shame, in fact, it should be applaud because that is the proof that you are putting yourself as priority. You are trying to get better, for yourself and for the people around you.

While contemplating therapy, I did what I do best, I write. I write for days on end. Everyday. In my journal, my journal app on my phone, on WhatsApp and sent it to myself. I was on a roll. I couldn't stop, it became addictive because writing have me clarity. I was writing letters to people who I had so many unsaid things, I was mad at, frustrated at and before I knew it, I was unraveling and healing my past trauma all at once. It was refreshing to say the least. The letters will never see the light of day, I may even burn it one day. But it gave me the relief, to finally pour the things you wished you said, that you have keep so deep in your heart. I found myself crying while writing the letter. Like, full on bawling. I surprised myself, if I'm being truly honest. 

I may not end up going to therapy, but it was the realization that I needed one was what moved the other parts. It's the self-awareness that I'm not doing okay, the openness to seek help, considering and finding available resources. I'm grateful that I didn't spiral, and I hope I wasn't accidentally be mean to anybody while I was going through it. But I knew in my head I had all sorts of unkind thoughts. 

I want to urge you to look inwards, ask yourself, which part of my life that made me who I am today? We all have memories we wish we could erase, and if you truly know yourself, you can identify all of you; your personality, the way you think, the way you make decisions, the way you love, your relationship with money, your values and literally everything else, are correlated to how you were raised, the experiences you've gone through. Once you've identified them, it's easier to undo the bad and amplify the good parts of yourself. Through this experience, I get to know myself too. What started as a negative experience, became the biggest breakthrough. 

If you find yourself needing help, here's some of the mental health services I've considered (shoutout to my friend Amira for suggesting them!). Apart from these, there are so many more you can consider depending on your budget.

• Cara Cara
• Minda Kami

I do hope you heal from all the things you've shared, or the ones you carry alone so you can come out on the other side cleaner and happier 💛