#TGIF: Keeping myself to myself

I am back. I skipped TGIF for 3 weeks now, and I had my reason why. Life was not all happy lately and most of that was just internal battle I had with myself. I had to take time off from writing, from social media and I've even ignored group messages. I looked all fine outwardly, but was in my head, most days. And because I haven't been posting awhile, I decided not to wait until 8pm to release this entry.

For this week's post, I saw an entry on Substack regarding this topic and it inspired me to write my own take on it. I thought it's quite fitting for my current situation too. In today's world, it's very common and considered normal to share your life online. Every part of it, like it was demanded. But the older I get, the more I understand the value of privacy. Yes, I do write on here a lot, I make myself available, like I am an open book. Anyone can come in here and read my thoughts, but just like any other social media platforms, I choose what I share and what allow people to know. Most times, I talk in cryptic, sharing without actually telling you exactly what it is. I found that helpful for me to be honest, without any personal information.

It's in the feelings and emotions, not details.

Funny how it’s a more rare for someone to not have any social media presence than to have one. Like it’s so normal to share our lives to the world and it’s weird when we’re being too closed off. Question is, why have we become this way? Despite me being very online, I do envy people who can keep it really lowkey. You see them posting maybe once a quarter, popping out randomly to share usually something really significant, then they will vanish again into thin air. I used to wonder, where did they get that much willpower to stay away from social media?

Then life took place and growing up happened, I became one of them too.

There's a certain beauty in letting people in, just enough to leave a lasting impression, but not enough that they could tear you apart. Not enough that you have nothing else to keep for yourself. People will always form a certain perception from the slither of your life you share online, and they are often skewed and incorrect. That's a risk, but you just have to live with it and not let other people's perception of you define who you are, or how you should show up.

For me, keeping it within myself is also to avoid talking too much, which can lead to boasting, comparing, and worse, self-sabotaging. I think it's easy to go both ways; either thinking too highly of yourself, or feeling like you're behind everybody else. It can hurt. While I am my own biggest cheerleader, I am also my own worst enemy. I am too, my own biggest critique. I can't help the nagging voice in my head that sometimes uplifting, but often times questioning.

What are you doing?
Why are you so behind?
You still haven't done that yet?
See what everybody else is up to, and look at you!

The good thing is, I am always aware what these voices are and how not to let it get to me.

At the end of the day, no one knows me well enough like I know myself.
No one would root for me the way I would root for me.
No one would cheer me on, and believe in me the way I do.
No one has bigger dream for me, other than myself.
No one else could save me, no one is a better company but my own self and thoughts.

You can trust a few with your dirty laundry, I have my people too. But for the most part, I am the only one I have on my side. Through everything. It's the art of keeping yourself, exclusively to yourself. Your inner thoughts, your deepest scars, your wildest dreams. While it is fun to overshare, thinking everyone is interested in your live, I believe keeping some things to yourself, and no other souls know, is special.