#TGIF: Love is always right on time

Taylor Swift just gave me a new sense of hope that love is possible. Okay here me out, I am actually nervous to write this entry. I thought I might write about this someday, but never this soon. I thought I would one day speak up about my experience with love and how frustrating it was on my part but it’s too vulnerable to let the whole world know. Writing about it means I am admitting it, which is really, really scary. And slightly embarrassing too. It’s something I’ve only admitted to a few I really trusted because a huge part of me wants to appear unaffected.

But what just announced in the pop culture world (ahem Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce’s engagement), inspired something in me. I thought I could share my unfiltered, unsolicited thoughts on it. I love seeing them together but I think the one lesson we could all learn from this is how important it is to never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Have deep, unrelenting trust that your person (truly and wholly your person) is out there for you. It might take a long time for you to finally meet that person, for the stars to finally align for you, but with due time, you’ll have that love you have been dreaming of. And for Taylor, the love she has been writing about for over 20 years. Because of that, my heart is happy for her.

Taylor and Travis are both 33 when they met each other, and then got engaged at 35. Even when they first started dating each other, I said to a close friend of mine “If Taylor only finds her person at 33, I have plenty of time to meet mine.” I have never felt more…at ease. Knowing that I am not late, in fact, I am right on time. It does not matter how long it will take if in the end the person for me is the one that will make the most sense. Everyone in my life will cheer and say “Tya, he is so perfect for you” and at that time I will not care of all the years I’ve waited, patiently praying for a man so great. It will all be worth it. 

Even if you’re not Taylor’s fan, you would agree that this man, matches her so perfectly. In every sense of the word. You can’t help but to root for them. I grew up listening to Taylor Swift’s albums. I know every heartbreak, every broken roads and wrong person. They are the literal example and living proof that there is a person that matches your energy, drive, wavelength, and someone that could supports your dreams and goals without compromising their own dreams and goals. Beyond that, you can see that they are already whole as individuals but together? They are better. You should be the added value to the other person's life, not the one filling in cracks and gaps. 

Remember, you will never be too much for the right person. He loves her so loudly and proudly. Dead set on pursuing her the moment he laid eyes on her and public can see that. It is so heartwarming to witness from afar. Travis always say that Taylor made him so much better as a person, and that's the kind of love you want, the one that makes you want to be better. On the flip side, that's the kind of love you deserve too, when someone tries to better themselves because you are worth putting effort for, and not giving the "you are too good for me" crap. 

I have stopped giving energy to people who made me feel less than or unworthy. It’s the most freeing and liberating feeling once I've put myself first in any given situation and quick to assess if I want to invest my energy in the relationship or not even if that means I end up protecting my peace a bit too tightly. But in the deepest part of my heart, I pray one day I get to experience the best kind of love too. Hate to admit, but all my life I have always been the second, the next best choice because the first choice is no longer available, the plan B, the safety net, the ‘incase this does not work, I still have you’ person. For once, let me be the only.

May the right kind of love find its way to me and you, however long it takes. In the meantime, live fully and love widely, fiercely. Let's not feel bad about wanting a very specific kind of love, be selfish with who you invest your time and attention to and be unapologetic about setting a standard that works for you. Life is too short to live in agony, and too long to spend it with the wrong person.

"I’m gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well."

White Horse, Taylor Swift

#TGIF: It will all work out

As how it has always been, I tend to write about what recently just happened in my life, so naturally, I will be talking about my recent Umrah trip in this entry. I won't be saying much though because there are a lot to say, but I do want to share a lesson I have learnt through all these processes; is first and foremost, to trust in Allah's plans. 

I can't tell you how long have I been dreaming to step foot in Masjidil Haram. To see the Kaabah with my own two eyes, to pray in there, to just...stare at the Kaabah. I have wanted to go since I was 16-17 years old, when I just started my hijrah journey (and I am still on that journey, will always be). After a while, I didn't think I would be given the rezeki to go if I'm being honest but that's the part where I was wrong. I was wrong to think so negatively instead of continue to pray and hope and work towards it. 

To think about it, I believe Allah called me to His house at the perfect time, when I am most definitely needed it, and when I could appreciate every moment I spend there. I traced back to the doa I sent to some friends that went for Umrah before I did from years ago up until recently, and how I would always include this same doa over and over again, which was for Allah to invite me too. Alhamdulillah, He answered.

List of prayers I sent to a classmate in 2014.

September 2023

December 2024

It was in December last year that my sister and I thought, let's plan this seriously. We booked our spot in December last year, to finally go 9 months after. It was lengthy, but the only way we could work it out. That's when I thought, wishing and praying is only one part of it, but taking actual and real steps towards going is completely another. And you need both. Allah memampukan orang yang dijemputNya. But you need to put real effort, while praying Allah ease them all for you.

Alhamdulillah, I am back in Malaysia now, having tons to reflect, and a lot more to be grateful for. Will share more stories and reflections in coming entries. Until then ;) 

#TGIF: My favourite prayers

By the time this is posted, I am in Makkah to perform my first Umrah. This is also why I thought this would be the right topic to write about. It might feel a little performative, but I also want to share something beneficial while I’m in this holy place, in hopes that you could incorporate them into your daily lives too and became a form of jariah for me, InshaAllah.

I've started building a small habit of listening to morning zikir a while ago as I get ready, usually during work days. Some of the zikir in my rotation are:

• Doa Pagi - Specifically by Munif Ahmad (Hijjaz)
• Selawat Tafrijiyyah
• Zikir Taubat (only recently added to the rotation)
• Sayyidul Istighfar (also new)
• Qunut Nazilah
• Doa Dhuha (one of my favourite to "sing" to, lol)

I play these while getting dressed and doing my makeup. They help to quiet my anxiety, especially if I know the week ahead is packed. I try to keep up with this most days, though sometimes I skip and watch vlogs or listen to songs instead (balance, right?).

When I’m leaving the house (or while in the car), these are the doa I recite (in exact order) for protection and ease in my affairs;

1) بِسْمِ اللهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى اللهِ وَلَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللهِ

In the name of Allah, I place my trust in Allah, and there is no power nor might except with Allah.

2) رَبِّ يَسِّرْ وَلَا تُعَسِّرْ رَبِّ تَمِّمْ بِالْخَيْرِ

My Lord, make it easy and do not make it difficult. My Lord, make it end well.

3) اللَّهُمَّ لَا سَهْلَ إِلَّا مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلًا، وَأَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلًا

O Allah, there is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make difficulty, if You wish, easy.

4) يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

O Ever-Living, O Self-sustaining, and All-sustaining, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye.

5) Bismillah 5

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمَانِ الرَّحِيْم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

بِسْمِ اللهِ الشَّافِي

In the name of Allah, the Healer

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْكَافِي

In the name of Allah, the Sufficient

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْمُعَافِي

In the name of Allah, the One who grants well-being

بِسْمِ اللهِ الَّذِي لَا يَضُرُّ مَعَ اسْمِهِ شَيْءٌ فِي الْأرْضِ وَلَا فِي السَّمَاءِ وَهُوَ السَّمِيْعُ الْعَلِيْم

In the name of Allah, with whose name nothing in the earth nor in the heavens can cause harm, and He is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing.

6) Doa Nabi Sulaiman

إِنَّهُ مِن سُلَيْمَانَ وَإِنَّهُ بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ

It is from Solomon, and it reads: ‘In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.’ (Surah An-Naml: 30)

Doa Nabi Sulaiman is what I call magic doa. If you have difficulty dealing with people -- either your boss, clients, peers, colleagues, read this! And set the right intentions for Him to ease your affairs.

I read these with firm belief that Allah will take care of everything -- my life, my job, my safety, and my sustenance. It feels odd to miss this routine, and when I do, I can tell: the day feels heavier and harder to get through.

Lastly, in the final sujud of my prayers, I make this doa: 

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

My Lord, truly I am in need of whatever good You send down to me. (Surah Al-Qasas: 24)

This doa is very popular for finding jodoh, but I've practice this since I was probably 19, no jodoh in sight just yet, but this doa opened so many different doors for me instead! 

Hope this benefit some of you, and please pray for my health while I am here ;)

#TGIF: Recent thoughts

I am about to give you access into my mind, the thoughts I have as of late without giving any context on what it might be about.

• There are truly only a handful of people you can trust with your secrets
• Some things really not worth investing time and energy for
• Just say yes to that invitation
• God’s timing is always right even if you can't see it right now
• Having new circle of friends is not a form of betrayal
• This too shall pass
• If you can’t change it, let go of it
• It’s not you, it’s them but sometimes it’s not them, it’s actually you
• I am very chalant
• I wish I am heartless but I am not
• Good manners and attitude will take you anywhere
• Having a growth mindset makes things 50% easier
• Self love is deeper than manicures and facials
• Some crowd will never be your kind of crowd and that’s okay
• The best outfit you can wear is confidence
• I will figure it out. I always do
• I hope Papa will live a long life to be my wali
• Yes, I am skinny unwillingly - tell me how to gain healthy weight
• Why do I need to think too deep about everything?! 
• Feeling both in control and out of control at the same time
• Conrad. Freaking. Fisher
• What do you do when you feel so frustrated, you don't wanna do it but also so guilty, that you have to do it?
• Hope is a heartache
• Would be nice to still have my nenek around

#TGIF: The mysteries of life

I thought I hit my peak at 18 for reasons so trivial and unimportant, now that I think about it. I have always excelled my papers, I figured the path I wanted to pursue, so I thought I had my life planned out. Silly how I thought I was so set and knew the trajectory of my life that young. But suddenly life threw a curveball, I had to restart, refigure life all over again. 

Then, I thought people in general peak at 25. Aren’t we supposed to graduate and choose the career path we want to go in, find the love of our lives and start a family? I waited for my time to come, and the clock continued ticking, only to soon realize my life does not fit that timeline. What am I supposed to do now? Have I figured everything wrong? Nothing was going right, at least not like how I wanted it to be.

For a few years my spirit, deep down dampen. I was anxious, and scared that I will spend my life just settling. For a degree I did not account for, job I didn't plan for, a life path so far off my plans. I did not see how I could grow out of the life I thought was a ‘failure’. It was hard. With everyone reminding me who I was ‘supposed to be’. 

It was not until I realized I am more than the person I boxed myself into. I have potential for anything and everything. Only if I allow myself to explore, to learn and to try. I failed once, and my life did not end there. What’s worst could happen? Something not working out is not a failure, it’s growth. It’s prove that you have tried and you have lived.

It's the mysteries of live that makes life exciting. Same goes to human connections. You know how people say you have not met everyone that you’ll love. How true is that? Never in my life I thought I could find a deep friendship connection with other people outside of my 6 main girl friends, but I did nonetheless. They all serve different purposes in my life. At times I found myself mapping out the people in my life — what lessons and purpose does this person bring to my life? It’s important for me to ensure I don’t get too carried away or overly obsessing over a connection, or expecting more out of it. Even if it’s platonic. Especially if it’s platonic.

The mysteries of life is the best part of living, that my life and yours are still unfolding, unraveling day by day. Don’t give up in finding your purpose. It may be so far off your plans, or your dreams. But you need to have a deep realization that you are exactly where you need to be. Nowhere else. Here, reading this entry too. Your life if not stagnant, it has not peaked like you thought you may have past it. Only so if you see it that way, if you have settled and given up trying. As long as you keep pushing through the boundaries, challenging yourself, your life will have so much to offer you in return.

p/s: Happy salt air and the rust on your door to those celebrating!