#TGIF: When the invite came

As I have previously promised, there will be more Umrah contents coming up. Today is one of it. Honestly speaking, I don't have any coherent thought on this topic just yet. All of my experiences, feelings and reflections are all jumbled up in my head. I keep on asking myself, did that really happen? Have I really gone for Umrah, for real?

It's well over a month since coming back now, and I have not gone a day without thinking about the sacred places -- Madinah and Mekah -- wishing to go back soonest I can.

I get it now why people who have been there, would not be able to move on from it. I don't think there is a way to truly capture what it's like to be there. Words fail, there's only purely feelings. Even then, most times you can't accurately describe a feeling. Now, every time I see someone wishing to go for Umrah, I would say 'amiin' to it, hoping Allah would invite them too. I like every Umrah content I see, get teary eyed and cry watching them as both my eyes and my heart now recognises the place.

I have wished for Umrah since I was maybe 16 years old. I was young, but I have the heaviest wish to perform Umrah. I obviously had absolutely no funds to go, and my parents have just enough for them both. Alhamdulillah, at least my parents went. I kept the dream since, sometimes the longing gets so intense, at times I forgot about it. I am not always on track with my faith, as my iman goes up and down too. There were also time I neglected that dream because I know ladies can't go alone without mahram. I am not married, and my dad already went. It would take a lot more money to have my dad go with me too. So it never became fruition, this long dream of mine.

Until a few years back Saudi government allow ladies to go without mahram. Then I thought, this is the perfect chance! I just started working at the time, I just need to save money. And now going without mahram would not be an issue anymore. I met a friend who went alone (but he's a guy) and he told me, 'Pergi sendiri je Tya, tak payah tunggu siapa-siapa." But still, it stayed just a dream, a whispered prayer, a silent plea for me to be able to go. It got even louder after two of my best friends Mimi and Sarah, went for Umrah themselves. I yearned for it.

Fast forward to last year, when I looked around and reassessed my life (and I've mentioned a bit too many times how 27 was a turning point in my life in numerous ways), I thought to myself - What kind of life do I actually want to live? Who do I want to be and what kind of value do I want to offer? I have everything I want in my life, but what have I done with it? It was then, that the intense desire to go for Umrah came rushing back. I told my sister that I wanted to go, for real. It's not just a wish anymore, I need to take real actions. Survey packages, book a spot, start paying, all the things.

That was what we finally did. We started looking through a few travel agencies, asking for rates, checking our calendars - which month and date would be the best to go. We ended up choosing summer, musim panas and non-school holidays and paid booking fees in December 2024. It was cheaper and we have at least 7 months to save up and prepare. It took months, it wasn't easy, truly. We were tested - our Umrah date got moved, twice! From July to August. And we needed to add more money for the package fees. But all I could think of is 'if I am meant to be there, I will be there, come what may'. So I kept my faith strong and my hopes high. I was so scared of telling anyone, because what if it didn't happen? What if the plan fell through? What if I won't have enough funds to fully pay the package? What if Allah still would not invite me yet?

I know, I know - I was thinking negatively about Allah when He can make anything possible. Making du'a after putting effort was all I have left.

Month after month, the anticipation looming over both me and my sister. We were both excited, nervous, pinching ourselves, sharing TikTok videos on the daily on what to prepare and places to visits. The excitement was unbearable. We received a bunch of well wishes from family and close friends, them making du'a for us to have a smooth journey, and for us to have Umrah mabrur. It was a special time, truly. A lot of learning, improving, reflecting, preparing. Alhamdulillah. Writing this down is truly a way for me to preserve this memory forever.

I would not be able to write my whole Umrah experience in this entry, as it would be too long to do so. But I do want to emphasize on what I've learnt through the process of going and preparing - which is to set the right intention, put your best effort, pray really hard and tell Him you really want to go, trust me - He will see you through it. I had days where I wonder how am I going to afford paying the full amount. But Alhamdulillah I managed, but none of it would be possible without His help.

I pray everyone who reads this that has intention or wish to go, will one day get to experience Umrah with your loved ones too. Amin.

#TGIF: My life in lists

Who else here chronically plan their life to the T? I do. I am the girl with the list, with plans and goals. I don't think I will be able to live fully and intentionally without it. I've been that girl as far back as I can remember and I think it gets more chronic now. It's both a positive and negative trait to have.

In school I had a list of homework and things to do, which is normal. In Uni I had study plans that's detailed. Especially nearing final exams, I even plan my hours for what I was going to study, down to the chapters I am covering. Until now I still prepare packing list for every single staycations/holidays/sleepovers and my sisters would be referencing my list to pack theirs. I don't know when or how it started, but I have always loved structure. 

I have yearly list, monthly list and 30 under 30 list -- which I will probably cover next time. Having goals and things to work towards has always put me in some sense of purpose, like I have something I am walking towards and better if it's something I can control. Like getting a degree or losing weight or writing every Friday until the end of 2025. It's attainable, measurable with success metrics clearly determined.

So naturally, every new year I have a list of goals I want to achieve. Though some might think it's so cliché having new year resolutions that one usually never achieve, I love having them. It puts me into focus mode. My year should have purpose, and it should be renewed yearly so you have things to look forward to. Right? 

Even beyond that, I love having monthly goals too. Separate from the yearly goals which usually includes the big things, monthly goals on the other hand are something simple like "make a dentist appointment". I would list down 5 things I want to do each month, usually things I've been putting off for so long. Like how I've put off registering for Hajj until this year, May. That's when I finally did it after delaying for years. Yeah, I know. And that made me so happy to finally tick it off. 

So this is me checking in with you - How's your 2025 resolution looks like and how is it progressing now that we are in September? Have you tick off most of them, or all of them, or none at all? You still have plenty of time to start evaluating them, and making effort to tick them off. It's not just about taking things off a list, it's about making things happen and holding yourself accountable. Live with purpose and walk towards the direction that one day you can look back and know you've lived meaningfully.

p/s: Yes, we live in accordance to Allah's plans. I am not saying you should control your life that you have no room for Allah's plans. No, you should plan, put effort and let Allah do the rest.

#TGIF: Notes from Madinah #1

11 August 2025, Day 2

I am in Madinah. In Masjid Nabawi specifically. In all the places I thought is magical and majestic, this place tops all of it. I could not express how beautiful it is here and how grateful I am to be chosen to be here, experiencing this.

I had moments, too many of them that I could count, where I was at the verge of tears. I could not believe my eyes. I still don't. I wish there is a corner where I can wail, cos I am incapable of crying demurely. So I stopped myself from crying at all.

It's hot here. But nothing that I can't handle. Considering it's already amazing that I am here in the first place. There are so many people here, from all walks of life. But they all look the same, I could not tell where they come from but I could immediately recognize Malaysians and Indonesians. No one seemed to mind the heat though. I can tolerate heat better than cold anyways, inshaAllah.

I will be visiting Raudhah tonight. Finally being in such close proximity with The Beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW. I am so excited and nervous. I can't wait to spend hours in the Masjid too.

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p/s: This is a journal entry from when I was in Madinah. I made sure to bring a travel journal with me for Umrah to write what I feel immediately. Most of the sentences may be non-cohesive, you know it was a candid, brain dump-type of writing.

#TGIF: 20-week streak

This is my 20th post in a row. I have been posting for 20 weeks now, every Friday, without fail. We've been on dates 20 times. Can you believe it? Do you think you've learned something about me? I have to say, I am actually really delighted that I am able to keep this going for this long, and now that we are here, there's no way for me to stop. I have to get to the finishing line, write until the very last Friday of 2025. I might even go beyond that, who knows?

From the past 20 weeks, I learned that I can make time for something I love. It's not always about having time, it's about carving out time and prioritizing. Writing has always been my escape and having something to look forward to each week feels great. I know some of you do come by every Friday, I notice. Usually I don't check the stats or views until the next Monday, and I am happy to know some people would tune in voluntarily, I can even see spikes on Fridays weekly. For that I am very grateful. Writing means a lot to me and it's just how I express love -- through words of affirmations. If you are on the receiving end of it, be it long birthday wishes or letters from me, just know that means you are among the people I treasure most. 

I don't know what will I write in the coming Fridays, but I hope it would always be something beneficial or able to resonate with many. I don't write out of vanity, I write to connect, to relate, to express. Many of the things I shared are up close and personal, I was so scared to post because they reveal so much. But then again, that's who I am. I won't be able to be true to myself if I fail to write honestly. Summing up, this is the single best thing I've ever started and I hope this will grow into something meaningful and purposeful, not just for me but also for those who have been kind enough to stick around.