#TGIF Dating in this day and age

The older you get, the harder it is to find the one. I'm writing this more as a personal reflection, from my own experiences, and how I feel trying to find a true connection, that aligns with my values especially in this day and age. This post is not intended to critique anybody nor do I mean to offend anyone. This might be able to justify why I choose to stay single all these years.

I will go back a little bit to when I was 18, I was fresh out of a relationship that mattered a lot to me. People always tell me how I did not act my age. I felt it too. Even at 18, I knew in my head, relationship is not a game I want to play. I didn't necessarily crave relationships, I wasn't into dating, and going out on dates makes me sick. Talking on the phone? I never liked it. Until now, I prefer texting over calling. What I'm trying to say is, I've always take love seriously.

When I came out of that relationship, I made a vow to myself that my next relationship will be the one I marry and I was dead serious about it. I pursued my studies, acknowledged that all my focus, time and attention should directed there. Did I have crushes? Of course I had some, I think it was key to feel motivated every day. My crushes were always the smart guys, those that are motivated too. The ones who asked questions, and came top of the class. It's important to me to find someone that motivates me to be better. To grow, improve, and challenge myself. But I never made any move, it wasn't my intention. I was young anyway, I had plenty of time ahead of me before I should even start thinking about relationships.

Fast forward, I was 22. When I started working, I thought to myself, maybe I can try open up now. Get to know people and maybe, just maybe, I will find the one. But of course, when you try to plan it, mastermind it, it will never work out. I found myself feeling insecure too, in my early 20s. I often feel I am lacking, like I have nothing to offer. What can I bring to the table? I was super self-conscious. It didn't matter anyway, because I was not able to find anyone that I was really truly attracted to that aligned with my values.

In between 22- 25 years old, I was hopeful. What I never thought about how much harder it will get as you grow older because your bar will just get higher and higher. I have seen failed relationships, heard about many, and learned from them all. Now, my own criteria and how I view relationships now had changed completely. My expectations shifted, the bar is now higher. I can't tell you how many times I tried to open up to new connections but keep getting disappointed with how on the surface conversations always are with men. At 28, I am no longer rushing into it, if it happens, it happens and if it's not, I am whole on my own.

  

I wrote previously about how turning 27 changed me as a person, it also changed how I look at relationships. Naturally, I have added more criteria into my 'checklist' when it comes to finding significant other. But, I too, had an awakening within myself. Instead of searching for perfection in other people, I started looking inwards. I thought, if I want to have someone with certain values and qualities, I need to first have them in me. Perfecting yourself, will attract the right person. I look at family institution in a different light now. I can better understand that getting married and building a family is not something anyone should take lightly and the preparation to go into one is extensive and both parties need to take part. Healing your inner child and past trauma is important, as well as seeking knowledge on your rights as a wife/husband and your role in the familial institution. Many skipped this part and jumped head first into marriage, later realising their traumas present itself in the marriage.

Now, instead of feeling excited to find love, I feel the weight of the responsibility that awaits. I no longer want it in the same way I used to. I don't want to settle just because I think my time is ticking, or I feel FOMO because everyone around me gets married, or I am scared of being alone. I want it because I find beauty in building a family when you (both)  have your intentions straight. I don't find them scary, even with the negative stories we keep hearing. I did not know where all this realisation came from, but I knew Allah makes me wait for a reason. Maybe the one I’m meant to meet is just running a little late. Or maybe, I’m still becoming the version of me he’ll meet. But even if it's written that there's none for me in this world, I would be okay with that too, because He knows best.

#TGIF Untiltled

On the table I lay everything

so you know the price going in

so you won't be expecting the wrong thing

and if I can tell you one thing

it's in your arms I want to die in

And if you find yourself

unable to love me

then don't you worry

I have enough love 

for the two of us to survive with

If somber is what you want for me

then you have no idea

I have walked this earth

with open wounds 

your disregard isn't enough

to break the broken

In my mind I've thrown rocks at you

I've cursed to your face

but you're the reason I grow wings anew

so instead, I flash my sweetest smile

send my best regards

This constant war in my head

I will never tell you

unable to decide if I 

should be grateful for you

or hate your gut

- AZ

#TGIF My biggest fears

What are your biggest fears?

Hmm, definitely rodents, and heights. I get lightheaded if I'm up on higher levels of a building. I went up level 31 one time, and I can't bring myself to go near the floor-to-ceiling windows. I stomach coils and my head spins. I didn't think I am *that* gayat, but I guess I am. Then maybe also being trapped in an elevator. The thought of it scares me. 

And every time I take a flight I get nervous, I am scared of the plane crashing even though the statistics show that getting involved in a car crash is much more likely than being involve in a plane crash. But what if this time, it happens to me? 

I can swim, but I am still scared of drowning. Maybe because I got drown once and that felt like dying. Open sea? Sorry, I'm out. You know how long it took my friends to convince me to go to Pulau Trip with them for snorkeling? Yeah, that took a awhile. 

Then again...nothing is more scary than losing loved ones, right? Is there anything scarier than that? Unimaginable, unfathomable. Life after that would be like walking on earth with a gaping hole in your chest, in your heart.

But if you ask me on a deeper level, my biggest fear is living a life without knowing my purpose. Ignoring my potentials because I was too scared to try, too shy or embarrassed for nothing. Most people don't understand that you have so much control over your life and you could be the one stopping yourself. There was a podcast I heard where the podcaster said 'even God is rooting for you' and that changed how I look at living life at full potential. You're meant for bigger, grandeur things, so don't settle. Just take the leap, you will most probably land somewhere better.

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I'd love more ideas/questions and feedback is very much encouraged too! Drop yours here.

#TGIF My mother's love

My Mama and I

I know it’s cliche to say my mum is the person I look up to. How unoriginal. There’s no other way I could describe what she is to me because in every sense of the word, she is. As true as it can get.

I grow up remembering my mom as a workaholic woman who actually enjoys her job truly. She was a corporate lady up until her 50s, and an amazing one, too. She goes to work, honoring her 9-5 obligations and comes back to be a homemaker. She cooks everyday—which to this day I can’t fathom how she’s able to do it so effortlessly—, and as involved as she could be at all of our —my sisters and I—school events. She came to every parent-teacher meeting, taking time off work. It didn't matter if we excel or we didn't, she made sure to show up anyways. 

There was a time when I felt like I was a disappointment, but she not once made me feel like one. She sacrificed a big chunk of money to register me into a private University to pursue Medicine. It was a payment to an agent who managed my entrance exam and interview. I thought about her effort to give me this opportunity, because she believed in me. In the end I passed the exam, but failed the interview. It was about RM3,000 gone, wasted. It felt even worse because I knew, we were not financially privileged. She consoled me, like I was the one losing money, and supported me through any decisions I made after saying goodbye to med school for good.

Mama in her element, conducting training

Mama is the most confident, elegant, polished woman I know. She did not just teach us how to be confident, she showed us how it's done. She showed me how to dress well, appropriate to the occasion. How to speak well, with anyone, does not matter who, and to always carry kindness and empathy in us. Her advise to this day 'Bukan kena cantik rupa je, kena cantik perangai, cantik akal, cantik adab, cantik semuanya'. It's a reminder that life is not just for vanity's sake, there are other things that should take greater importance. The words I live by to the core of it, all my life.

Mama in her community, always ready to serve

Mama is also the most likeable person I know. My sisters and I were always in awe by this fact, she has community everywhere she goes. We moved houses couple of times, and she fits right in the community in no time at all. She build connections so easily and the people did not just welcome her, they always love having her around. Introducing Mama to friends often led to compliments of how warm and kind she is. All of our friends love her too. She made sure to know each of our friends, she remember names, listen to our stories so she knows who is who. She made everyone feels remembered, and seen.

Every part of my being, there are footprints of hers. My mom has always emphasized the importance of knowledge, and English is something she wants all her daughters to master since we were a child. She was the one who taught us how to converse in English, and kept reminding us the only way to be proficient, is to practice it daily. She speaks with us at home in bahasa rojak. She corrects our pronunciations and mistakes, even now. School teacher was not our first source of English education—she was. Well, her and Destiny’s Child music and Disney movies, of course.

She's a learner, through and through. She reminded us time and time again, whatever we want to do, do it with knowledge. 'Jangan main bulldoze je', is what she would say. I thank her for her earnestness to learn, because seeing her makes me love learning too. She started finding her way closer to Allah in her 40's, and since, my admiration towards her goes up a whole new level. Losing her mother—my grandmother—shifted something in her. She knows deen is something personal and everyone has their own journey, so she has never, not once push us to do something we are not yet ready to do. Now that I think about it, she spreads da'wah to us in the gentlest way.

Mama in her other element, teaching Quran

Now, in her late 50s, she proved her consistency and enormous dedication pays off. She befriended Quran in the most beautiful way and some days, she only spends time with Quran. She's my personal ustazah, teaching us sisters, her own sisters, strangers and friends alike the Quran. She teaches us tajwid and the right makhraj, she is my point of reference if I need any doa, she always have something to share. Sometimes I look at her and I thought, how is she this amazing? And how am I this lucky to be able to call her my mother? I worry I could never make her proud the way she has made me. She loves loudly, confidently, unwaveringly. Steady and sure, leaving marks of her love in every parts of my life. She embodies everything I want to be and the perfect role model I am grateful to have. In every facets of my life, she is the best person for me to look up to. As an employee, as a friend, as an individual, but most importantly as a Muslim with purpose.

Writer's note: I time this post specially for Mother's Day, which falls this Sunday. Happy Mother's Day to mothers out there, none of us will be here without you. May we, the children always remember to look back while we're walking this earth leaving our own marks in this world, to see our mother's footsteps are right behind us all along, ready to catch us when we fall. 

To my Mama, everything that I am and everything I will be, I owe it to you for shaping and loving me so beautifully. May Allah grant your life barakah, contentment, and a throne in the highest Jannah.

#TGIF To my younger self..

Portions of this entry were originally written in 2023 as part of my personal journal. They have been thoughtfully revised for this entry. The entry will be long and deeply personal. I share this with you in the hope that you can find something familiar within it and recognize that your experiences, too, are part of a larger journey.

I strongly believe revisiting my younger selves healed my old wounds. I thought about all the past versions of me all the time, sometimes the little girl who felt unloved, at times the teenager that felt like her world was caving in on her and her only solitude was her family and friends. Other times I revisited the young adult that once thought she had it all figured out until life threw her a curveball and she had to reconstruct the idea of a future she once had. I often looked back in recognition and contemplation, but mostly in fondness.

I am a deep thinker and a feeler - I feel everything, I retrospect every parts of my life and as of late, I mostly thought about the little girl who had set a lifelong foundation for all the future versions of her. It's hard to really share something so personal to me and even when I tell my sisters this, they did not understand it fully. It is said that every child experience different childhood, even when they were raised in the same household, by the same parents, in the same environment. Simply put, my childhood, while formative, wasn't always the happiest.

When I think about my childhood, the first memories that would float up my mind were the unpleasant ones. I thought about feeling anxious, alone and unworthy, especially from being physically different from my other sisters. I began to learn how to behave and not cause a scene, I learnt to be a good girl, to work my ass of to prove myself, and if I'm not nice, I will get reprimanded immediately, sometimes publicly. How I felt growing up, wasn't necessarily anyone's fault, and I want to really make that clear.

Before I begin, I find the need to preface this so you can at least understand, even not fully. I think most my life, I suppressed those memories because thinking about them makes me sad. However, I had a moment of clarity not too long ago, and I know she -- the younger me -- is the reason I am who I am today.

To my 6 year old self, I know feeling unloved and different sucks, but the way you persevered, pushed through, had set a foundation for years to come. You didn't know it yet, but right now, at the precipice of turning 30, I am mostly grateful for you. You influenced and shaped me more than any other versions of me did. They solidified it, but you were where it all started. I realize it more and more now how your experiences carved the mold of who I am at the core. I understand it now how important it is to give children the best childhood. I vow to ensure my own children have the best, the safest and loved during these formative years. But even then, can't be guaranteed because I also know, no matter how you shelter and protect your children from any hurt, they will have their own version of childhood in their head. As for me, I know my parents and family had given me their best, I unfortunately had a different narration of my childhood. 

Growing up with 4 sisters, we naturally fell into 2 alliances; the older sisters and the younger ones. Dyna and myself were inseparable.

To my 12 - 16 year old selves, you tasted the sweetness of attention on you, finally - when you scored 5As for UPSR. As f-ed up as it sounds, you thought you finally proved yourself of something. Something rewired in your head, you thought 'So this is how it feels like?' So that's what you did -- you spent the rest of learning years striving to be on top, scored all the As, competing, rivaling with no one, but yourself. Good thing was, you actually enjoyed learning, you loved school. I haven't found anyone who loved school more than you did, if I'm being honest. It's where you met the girls, and I will tell you this - they are still in your life, more present now than ever. School, friendship, and academic excellence was your escape. Up until now, I am grateful that you were not the rebellious type but I also knew, you can't be. There were already enough chaos going on that you can't find it in you to create more chaos.

I was fourteen, and if you think I look older, congrats - you're not the only one who thought so.

To my 18 - 21 year old selves (the versions that I miss the most), life was confusing, but refreshing, liberating and so fun. If you loved school, you treasured Uni life even more. But these were also the beginning of your most pivotal years. You went from having your life all figured out and planned to going along with wherever fate takes you. You had to let go of a dream of yours, and leave it all to Allah because you knew you worked hard, prayed, and left the rest in accordance to His plans. Despite the failure, goodbyes and change of plan, you were happy, truly happy. This was the point -- now that I think about it -- where life fully turned and your decisions lead me where I am now. The only way you could find peace in all the chaos was by learning to trust Allah's plans. Some things were out of your control and you understood, accepted it, never regret any of it. For your content heart, I am grateful.

 

I knew I wasn't meant to be a scientist, but always meant to be a learner.

Finally, to the most recent versions, mid twenties was...another type of beast. During this time, you wrote a lot. You were constantly seeking clarity. You got through 3 - 4 journals because you were always writing, questioning, venting. If there were any chance to go back in time and do better, it would be to this version. I would shake you and slap some sense into you because, good grieve, you had hope too big and way too much faith in others to do right by you. You expected the best from people who weren't capable of giving it. You wish you're capable of hating, begrudging, but you can't find it in you to do so. You instead wrote letters and addressed them to the fire. As the pages turned, you found it in you to let go of the things you can't change, and questions you will never get the answers to. In those time you did so much self-reflection, introspect every parts of your life and came to a deep understanding of your own thoughts and feelings. It was worth all the quiet pain initially inflicted because now, you've gain something no one else can give to you but yourself.

I can't stress enough how important it is to acknowledge your experiences and how they helped shape who you are. I have no regrets, nor do I resent any decisions I've made. I love who I've become, and it's the results of what I've been through. If I'm being honest, putting out this entry is nerve-wrecking and scary. I have always been open, but never this vulnerable and raw. My only wish for this entry to inspire you to look within, honor your experiences no matter how ugly or painful and recognize how vital they are in influencing the way you carry yourself, how you make decision and how you love. 

I have already make you read this much, and if you're still here - I thank you. I'll see you next Friday :)