#TGIF: The mental juggle lately

 

One night I woke up from a bad dream. A nightmare, I would say. In that dream I was on my way to the airport with my sister Dyna when I realized I forgot to pack a lot of important items. Like a warm outerwear when it’s going to be late fall/early winter where I’m heading and I forgot to exchange money for expenses, and apparently, my Visa was also not approved yet. I woke up panicked, and thankful that I was still in my room, and not living a nightmare at the airport. 

The thing is, I am really travelling soon, and I am unready. That dream was a reminder that I should start packing and preparing, but also the reflection of my quiet anxieties of travelling. Apparently, not too quiet since it managed to creep into my dream. I hate to admit this, but despite me showing my brave side, I am very much afraid. This place is a place I’ve never been to, using a language I don’t speak, in a climate I am not used to. It’s not a baseless fear. But other people do this all the time, don’t they? 

I went to a friend’s wedding last weekend, it was probably one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to. That aside, being around familiar faces brought back memories from 2020, when the world was in the thick of COVID-19. These were the same people who had kept me sane during the pandemic. We bonded pre-quarantine, but became a hell lot closer while in quarantine — entirely virtually. We spent countless evenings and Friday nights video calling each other, playing games and chatting. We got to know each other’s secrets, pains and fears. They were the first people I’ve ever shared my traumas with. People who were just colleagues turned into friends. Actual good friends.

Post quarantine, we made trips together — Melaka, Penang, Terengganu. We somehow survived the ultimate friendship test: travelling together. No lives were lost nor harmed, thankfully. Now, five years later, though the frequency of face time has significantly reduced since we no longer work together, I still feel the same about this bunch. One friend once said — from the outside looking in — this bunch is my found family. And as cliche as it sounds, it truly feels like that.

This past few days I thought about feeling FOMO. I used to have chronic FOMO. I think about feeling insecure and wanting to make friends. Being a pathological people pleaser, I tend to say “yes” to anything. Even when I’m tired or not feeling it, I would agree. Because disagreeing makes me feel like a difficult person. But growing older makes me protect myself so much more. I still tend to please people, yes but I do that much less now. I am okay with saying “maybe next time” “not tonight, I'm tired" because all I want to do is go home.

I also don’t get offended anymore if I’m not invited. Some seats aren’t meant for you, and that’s okay. I have learned to know that when I am not invited or included, it’s often not personal. I used to feel unworthy or unlikeable when I was not invited. And that’s my own insecurities talking. Early 20s were tough, trying to form strong loving relationship with myself. I’ve battled many and insecurities, often invisible to others. It’s deep-rooted, and takes time to heal. But learning myself has been the most rewarding part of adulthood. 

I love socializing, I really do, but not all the time. I realized, I have started to choose which conversations I would want to engage with. I may love hanging out with you and talking to you, but there will be days I don’t feel like doing any of that. Most times it does not have anything to do with the person, but rather the substance of conversation itself. If it does not concern me, or if it will drain my energy, i would rather not get myself involved. I know I may end up protecting my peace too much, but at this age, that’s literally what i need. I appreciate people, experiences and conversations that add to me, not drain me.

What a tiring work week. I am grateful to be tired and drained from a job that pays my bills but am I close to retiring age yet?

#TGIF: etched between pages

You scribbled in my notebook once,
leaving a mark that forever etched itself
between the pages of my life.

Now I flip through other notebooks,
searching for any trace of existence, of remembrance—
knowing it will never happen again.
Not with you,
not with anyone who passes through.

Still, my muscles, bones, mind, and soul
keep wishing—quietly, stubbornly—
that one day,
I’ll find a familiar scribble again,

on a fresh page, a couple of years down.
But this time, it won’t burn—
it will feel like coming home.

- AZ

#TGIF: what happens when i'm happy?

Writer’s block can happen -- especially when there are deadlines to follow. I keep a strict schedule of posting every Friday, so I often need new ideas fast. But sometimes, the words just don’t flow.

At this point, I’d like to consider myself a writer -- self-proclaimed, yes. Writing has become part of my DNA. I love putting my feelings into words; it helps me regulate my emotions and discover myself along the way. Though most of what I write are personal reflections, I do hope people find comfort in them, that they see parts of themselves through my thoughts. Honestly, I can’t imagine not writing.

I once read that to be a good writer, you must read widely and deeply. I take that as my lifelong homework. To always read, relate, and learn. Writing isn’t as effortless as people might think. It’s rarely just a brain dump. It’s often planned, outlined, and intentionally crafted -- though nine times out of ten, it’s also emotionally woven.

Lately, though, I’ve felt stuck. Uninspired, even. I can write, but the words don’t feel as deep. They skim the surface -- safe, shallow, unrooted. I’ve gone back and forth, starting drafts I never finish because none of them feel right, or good enough, or at least appropriate to share.

It upsets me sometimes. Is this why writers keep ten drafts ready, just to pull one out when inspiration runs dry?

I’ve realized I write best when I’m most vulnerable -- when I’m in the thick of sadness, grief, or immense joy. But I’m not always in those extremes. So what happens when I’m somewhere in between?

#TGIF: What truly matters

This is probably one of the hardest weeks for me when it comes to writing. I couldn’t bring myself to write about anything else this week. Not when the world is showing me what truly matters. Let me walk you through my thought process this week;

1. It’s 10.10 week, so naturally, the campaigns and sales were all I think about. I was locked in.
2. In my content plan, this week’s #TGIF post was supposed to be about Umrah again. But then I thought — it’s too soon after the last one. I need to space it out a little.
3. Then I considered writing about books, but I just did that last week too.
4. Above all, there’s a bigger issue that deserves real estate in this space — something that has been taking up a lot of my attention lately: the Sumud Flotilla mission, and more broadly, Gaza. Why would I even bother writing about anything else — things that, in comparison, feel so small — when I feel this responsibility (self-imposed, but still) to keep talking about it?

As someone who is very emotional and in tune with my feelings, last Thursday was a rough day. When the news broke about the fleets being intercepted, I was in a full-day training but found myself tearing up randomly throughout. I wasn’t sad, necessarily because I knew they expected this. There have been several Freedom Flotilla attempts since 2010, none of which have succeeded — they knew what they were going into.

I cried out of pride. I was deeply moved by their bravery. Can you imagine being there? It’s a kind of sacrifice most of us will never be capable of. But they volunteered to be on that boat, fully aware of the risks, all to make the world talk again — to make noise.

It shouldn’t take another Freedom Flotilla to remind us to keep talking, to keep demanding an end to the occupation, but here we are. The boats may not enter Gaza, but the mission succeeded in its own way. Everyone started sharing, posting, demonstrating, demanding, reposting, not just here in Malaysia but everywhere in the world. It's heartwarming to see how united we are, globally, all in the name of peace.

Yesterday, a ceasefire agreement was announce. From the track record, it may not be long, they may violate that agreement, again. But for now we will let Palestinians celebrate and pray it will be permanent. They deserve a peaceful, safe life like us, too. Let's keep boycotting to our best effort, keep demanding, keep praying. It's only over when Palestinians tell us it's over.

#TGIF: Everything I've read this year so far

With books, I have found new love beyond romance genre. Since last year, I have started to explore genres like contemporary fiction and historical fiction. It was partly because I was heavily influenced by BookTok recommendations, but mainly also because I do want to branch out to romance fiction. I got tired of the same storyline every time. I wanted more, I wanted my reading experience to be more diverse.

This year though, I started to indulge myself in some biography, started with I'm Glad My Mom Died and I thought, okay this is actually interesting. To have a view into someone else's life and this person is a real human being, not some fictional character. It helps that I actually know Jennette McCurdy from the many hours spent watching iCarly and Sam & Cat growing up. 

Then, because I was preparing for Umrah, I explored Islamic books. I wanted to feed my mind and consume content that I can benefit from. Books that will actually help me and give me a bit more insights for the journey I was about to embark. I was so glad I read Biografi Muhammad bin Abdullah before landing in Madinah because I was able to experience Madinah from a different lens, having a better appreciation after knowing the importance of each historical landmarks. Since, I found Islamic books real interesting that I read a couple more after that. I've also started to buy more too (they are so much cheaper, too!).

I still read romance though, more so to take me out of a slump as romance fiction is easier and faster to get through as apposed to any other genres. So here's the list of books I've read so far, in order from January till now:

1. Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors
2. More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop by Satoshi Yagisawa
3. And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini
4. I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman
5. Same Time Next Year by Tessa Bailey
6. Chase Me (Broke and Beautiful series) by Tessa Bailey
7. Need Me (Broke and Beautiful series) by Tessa Bailey
8. Make Me (Broke and Beautiful series) by Tessa Bailey
9. The Housemaid's Secrets by Frieda McFadden
10. Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez
11. Hopeless by Elsie Silver
12. The Wedding People by Alison Espach
13. I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
14. Biografi Muhammad bin Abdullah by Zulkifli Mohd Yusoff & Noor Naemah Abd Rahman
15. Tuhan, Seindah Apa di Hujung Sana? by Hafizul Faiz
16. The Beauty of Promised Rizq by Ayesha Syahira
17. Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez
18. Befriending The Quran by Ayesha Syahira
19. The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah

I have a goal of 35 books, I don't think it's a lot at all, but now that we're in October and I still have about 15 books I have to read to hit, I am not so sure I can do it. I took quite a long break during Ramadan and Raya, I usually don't read during Ramadan anyways but even during Raya month, I was not in the mood. That pushed me back by 2 months. 

We'll see how many will I end up reading by December, for now I will just enjoy reading without putting too much pressure to hit the 35 books reading goal. What have you been reading?

#TGIF: When the invite came

As I have previously promised, there will be more Umrah contents coming up. Today is one of it. Honestly speaking, I don't have any coherent thought on this topic just yet. All of my experiences, feelings and reflections are all jumbled up in my head. I keep on asking myself, did that really happen? Have I really gone for Umrah, for real?

It's well over a month since coming back now, and I have not gone a day without thinking about the sacred places -- Madinah and Mekah -- wishing to go back soonest I can.

I get it now why people who have been there, would not be able to move on from it. I don't think there is a way to truly capture what it's like to be there. Words fail, there's only purely feelings. Even then, most times you can't accurately describe a feeling. Now, every time I see someone wishing to go for Umrah, I would say 'amiin' to it, hoping Allah would invite them too. I like every Umrah content I see, get teary eyed and cry watching them as both my eyes and my heart now recognises the place.

I have wished for Umrah since I was maybe 16 years old. I was young, but I have the heaviest wish to perform Umrah. I obviously had absolutely no funds to go, and my parents have just enough for them both. Alhamdulillah, at least my parents went. I kept the dream since, sometimes the longing gets so intense, at times I forgot about it. I am not always on track with my faith, as my iman goes up and down too. There were also time I neglected that dream because I know ladies can't go alone without mahram. I am not married, and my dad already went. It would take a lot more money to have my dad go with me too. So it never became fruition, this long dream of mine.

Until a few years back Saudi government allow ladies to go without mahram. Then I thought, this is the perfect chance! I just started working at the time, I just need to save money. And now going without mahram would not be an issue anymore. I met a friend who went alone (but he's a guy) and he told me, 'Pergi sendiri je Tya, tak payah tunggu siapa-siapa." But still, it stayed just a dream, a whispered prayer, a silent plea for me to be able to go. It got even louder after two of my best friends Mimi and Sarah, went for Umrah themselves. I yearned for it.

Fast forward to last year, when I looked around and reassessed my life (and I've mentioned a bit too many times how 27 was a turning point in my life in numerous ways), I thought to myself - What kind of life do I actually want to live? Who do I want to be and what kind of value do I want to offer? I have everything I want in my life, but what have I done with it? It was then, that the intense desire to go for Umrah came rushing back. I told my sister that I wanted to go, for real. It's not just a wish anymore, I need to take real actions. Survey packages, book a spot, start paying, all the things.

That was what we finally did. We started looking through a few travel agencies, asking for rates, checking our calendars - which month and date would be the best to go. We ended up choosing summer, musim panas and non-school holidays and paid booking fees in December 2024. It was cheaper and we have at least 7 months to save up and prepare. It took months, it wasn't easy, truly. We were tested - our Umrah date got moved, twice! From July to August. And we needed to add more money for the package fees. But all I could think of is 'if I am meant to be there, I will be there, come what may'. So I kept my faith strong and my hopes high. I was so scared of telling anyone, because what if it didn't happen? What if the plan fell through? What if I won't have enough funds to fully pay the package? What if Allah still would not invite me yet?

I know, I know - I was thinking negatively about Allah when He can make anything possible. Making du'a after putting effort was all I have left.

Month after month, the anticipation looming over both me and my sister. We were both excited, nervous, pinching ourselves, sharing TikTok videos on the daily on what to prepare and places to visits. The excitement was unbearable. We received a bunch of well wishes from family and close friends, them making du'a for us to have a smooth journey, and for us to have Umrah mabrur. It was a special time, truly. A lot of learning, improving, reflecting, preparing. Alhamdulillah. Writing this down is truly a way for me to preserve this memory forever.

I would not be able to write my whole Umrah experience in this entry, as it would be too long to do so. But I do want to emphasize on what I've learnt through the process of going and preparing - which is to set the right intention, put your best effort, pray really hard and tell Him you really want to go, trust me - He will see you through it. I had days where I wonder how am I going to afford paying the full amount. But Alhamdulillah I managed, but none of it would be possible without His help.

I pray everyone who reads this that has intention or wish to go, will one day get to experience Umrah with your loved ones too. Amin.

#TGIF: My life in lists

Who else here chronically plan their life to the T? I do. I am the girl with the list, with plans and goals. I don't think I will be able to live fully and intentionally without it. I've been that girl as far back as I can remember and I think it gets more chronic now. It's both a positive and negative trait to have.

In school I had a list of homework and things to do, which is normal. In Uni I had study plans that's detailed. Especially nearing final exams, I even plan my hours for what I was going to study, down to the chapters I am covering. Until now I still prepare packing list for every single staycations/holidays/sleepovers and my sisters would be referencing my list to pack theirs. I don't know when or how it started, but I have always loved structure. 

I have yearly list, monthly list and 30 under 30 list -- which I will probably cover next time. Having goals and things to work towards has always put me in some sense of purpose, like I have something I am walking towards and better if it's something I can control. Like getting a degree or losing weight or writing every Friday until the end of 2025. It's attainable, measurable with success metrics clearly determined.

So naturally, every new year I have a list of goals I want to achieve. Though some might think it's so cliché having new year resolutions that one usually never achieve, I love having them. It puts me into focus mode. My year should have purpose, and it should be renewed yearly so you have things to look forward to. Right? 

Even beyond that, I love having monthly goals too. Separate from the yearly goals which usually includes the big things, monthly goals on the other hand are something simple like "make a dentist appointment". I would list down 5 things I want to do each month, usually things I've been putting off for so long. Like how I've put off registering for Hajj until this year, May. That's when I finally did it after delaying for years. Yeah, I know. And that made me so happy to finally tick it off. 

So this is me checking in with you - How's your 2025 resolution looks like and how is it progressing now that we are in September? Have you tick off most of them, or all of them, or none at all? You still have plenty of time to start evaluating them, and making effort to tick them off. It's not just about taking things off a list, it's about making things happen and holding yourself accountable. Live with purpose and walk towards the direction that one day you can look back and know you've lived meaningfully.

p/s: Yes, we live in accordance to Allah's plans. I am not saying you should control your life that you have no room for Allah's plans. No, you should plan, put effort and let Allah do the rest.

#TGIF: Notes from Madinah #1

11 August 2025, Day 2

I am in Madinah. In Masjid Nabawi specifically. In all the places I thought is magical and majestic, this place tops all of it. I could not express how beautiful it is here and how grateful I am to be chosen to be here, experiencing this.

I had moments, too many of them that I could count, where I was at the verge of tears. I could not believe my eyes. I still don't. I wish there is a corner where I can wail, cos I am incapable of crying demurely. So I stopped myself from crying at all.

It's hot here. But nothing that I can't handle. Considering it's already amazing that I am here in the first place. There are so many people here, from all walks of life. But they all look the same, I could not tell where they come from but I could immediately recognize Malaysians and Indonesians. No one seemed to mind the heat though. I can tolerate heat better than cold anyways, inshaAllah.

I will be visiting Raudhah tonight. Finally being in such close proximity with The Beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW. I am so excited and nervous. I can't wait to spend hours in the Masjid too.

-----

p/s: This is a journal entry from when I was in Madinah. I made sure to bring a travel journal with me for Umrah to write what I feel immediately. Most of the sentences may be non-cohesive, you know it was a candid, brain dump-type of writing.

#TGIF: 20-week streak

This is my 20th post in a row. I have been posting for 20 weeks now, every Friday, without fail. We've been on dates 20 times. Can you believe it? Do you think you've learned something about me? I have to say, I am actually really delighted that I am able to keep this going for this long, and now that we are here, there's no way for me to stop. I have to get to the finishing line, write until the very last Friday of 2025. I might even go beyond that, who knows?

From the past 20 weeks, I learned that I can make time for something I love. It's not always about having time, it's about carving out time and prioritizing. Writing has always been my escape and having something to look forward to each week feels great. I know some of you do come by every Friday, I notice. Usually I don't check the stats or views until the next Monday, and I am happy to know some people would tune in voluntarily, I can even see spikes on Fridays weekly. For that I am very grateful. Writing means a lot to me and it's just how I express love -- through words of affirmations. If you are on the receiving end of it, be it long birthday wishes or letters from me, just know that means you are among the people I treasure most. 

I don't know what will I write in the coming Fridays, but I hope it would always be something beneficial or able to resonate with many. I don't write out of vanity, I write to connect, to relate, to express. Many of the things I shared are up close and personal, I was so scared to post because they reveal so much. But then again, that's who I am. I won't be able to be true to myself if I fail to write honestly. Summing up, this is the single best thing I've ever started and I hope this will grow into something meaningful and purposeful, not just for me but also for those who have been kind enough to stick around.

#TGIF: Love is always right on time

Taylor Swift just gave me a new sense of hope that love is possible. Okay here me out, I am actually nervous to write this entry. I thought I might write about this someday, but never this soon. I thought I would one day speak up about my experience with love and how frustrating it was on my part but it’s too vulnerable to let the whole world know. Writing about it means I am admitting it, which is really, really scary. And slightly embarrassing too. It’s something I’ve only admitted to a few I really trusted because a huge part of me wants to appear unaffected.

But what just announced in the pop culture world (ahem Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce’s engagement), inspired something in me. I thought I could share my unfiltered, unsolicited thoughts on it. I love seeing them together but I think the one lesson we could all learn from this is how important it is to never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Have deep, unrelenting trust that your person (truly and wholly your person) is out there for you. It might take a long time for you to finally meet that person, for the stars to finally align for you, but with due time, you’ll have that love you have been dreaming of. And for Taylor, the love she has been writing about for over 20 years. Because of that, my heart is happy for her.

Taylor and Travis are both 33 when they met each other, and then got engaged at 35. Even when they first started dating each other, I said to a close friend of mine “If Taylor only finds her person at 33, I have plenty of time to meet mine.” I have never felt more…at ease. Knowing that I am not late, in fact, I am right on time. It does not matter how long it will take if in the end the person for me is the one that will make the most sense. Everyone in my life will cheer and say “Tya, he is so perfect for you” and at that time I will not care of all the years I’ve waited, patiently praying for a man so great. It will all be worth it. 

Even if you’re not Taylor’s fan, you would agree that this man, matches her so perfectly. In every sense of the word. You can’t help but to root for them. I grew up listening to Taylor Swift’s albums. I know every heartbreak, every broken roads and wrong person. They are the literal example and living proof that there is a person that matches your energy, drive, wavelength, and someone that could supports your dreams and goals without compromising their own dreams and goals. Beyond that, you can see that they are already whole as individuals but together? They are better. You should be the added value to the other person's life, not the one filling in cracks and gaps. 

Remember, you will never be too much for the right person. He loves her so loudly and proudly. Dead set on pursuing her the moment he laid eyes on her and public can see that. It is so heartwarming to witness from afar. Travis always say that Taylor made him so much better as a person, and that's the kind of love you want, the one that makes you want to be better. On the flip side, that's the kind of love you deserve too, when someone tries to better themselves because you are worth putting effort for, and not giving the "you are too good for me" crap. 

I have stopped giving energy to people who made me feel less than or unworthy. It’s the most freeing and liberating feeling once I've put myself first in any given situation and quick to assess if I want to invest my energy in the relationship or not even if that means I end up protecting my peace a bit too tightly. But in the deepest part of my heart, I pray one day I get to experience the best kind of love too. Hate to admit, but all my life I have always been the second, the next best choice because the first choice is no longer available, the plan B, the safety net, the ‘incase this does not work, I still have you’ person. For once, let me be the only.

May the right kind of love find its way to me and you, however long it takes. In the meantime, live fully and love widely, fiercely. Let's not feel bad about wanting a very specific kind of love, be selfish with who you invest your time and attention to and be unapologetic about setting a standard that works for you. Life is too short to live in agony, and too long to spend it with the wrong person.

"I’m gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well."

White Horse, Taylor Swift

#TGIF: It will all work out

As how it has always been, I tend to write about what recently just happened in my life, so naturally, I will be talking about my recent Umrah trip in this entry. I won't be saying much though because there are a lot to say, but I do want to share a lesson I have learnt through all these processes; is first and foremost, to trust in Allah's plans. 

I can't tell you how long have I been dreaming to step foot in Masjidil Haram. To see the Kaabah with my own two eyes, to pray in there, to just...stare at the Kaabah. I have wanted to go since I was 16-17 years old, when I just started my hijrah journey (and I am still on that journey, will always be). After a while, I didn't think I would be given the rezeki to go if I'm being honest but that's the part where I was wrong. I was wrong to think so negatively instead of continue to pray and hope and work towards it. 

To think about it, I believe Allah called me to His house at the perfect time, when I am most definitely needed it, and when I could appreciate every moment I spend there. I traced back to the doa I sent to some friends that went for Umrah before I did from years ago up until recently, and how I would always include this same doa over and over again, which was for Allah to invite me too. Alhamdulillah, He answered.

List of prayers I sent to a classmate in 2014.

September 2023

December 2024

It was in December last year that my sister and I thought, let's plan this seriously. We booked our spot in December last year, to finally go 9 months after. It was lengthy, but the only way we could work it out. That's when I thought, wishing and praying is only one part of it, but taking actual and real steps towards going is completely another. And you need both. Allah memampukan orang yang dijemputNya. But you need to put real effort, while praying Allah ease them all for you.

Alhamdulillah, I am back in Malaysia now, having tons to reflect, and a lot more to be grateful for. Will share more stories and reflections in coming entries. Until then ;) 

#TGIF: My favourite prayers

By the time this is posted, I am in Makkah to perform my first Umrah. This is also why I thought this would be the right topic to write about. It might feel a little performative, but I also want to share something beneficial while I’m in this holy place, in hopes that you could incorporate them into your daily lives too and became a form of jariah for me, InshaAllah.

I've started building a small habit of listening to morning zikir a while ago as I get ready, usually during work days. Some of the zikir in my rotation are:

• Doa Pagi - Specifically by Munif Ahmad (Hijjaz)
• Selawat Tafrijiyyah
• Zikir Taubat (only recently added to the rotation)
• Sayyidul Istighfar (also new)
• Qunut Nazilah
• Doa Dhuha (one of my favourite to "sing" to, lol)

I play these while getting dressed and doing my makeup. They help to quiet my anxiety, especially if I know the week ahead is packed. I try to keep up with this most days, though sometimes I skip and watch vlogs or listen to songs instead (balance, right?).

When I’m leaving the house (or while in the car), these are the doa I recite (in exact order) for protection and ease in my affairs;

1) بِسْمِ اللهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى اللهِ وَلَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللهِ

In the name of Allah, I place my trust in Allah, and there is no power nor might except with Allah.

2) رَبِّ يَسِّرْ وَلَا تُعَسِّرْ رَبِّ تَمِّمْ بِالْخَيْرِ

My Lord, make it easy and do not make it difficult. My Lord, make it end well.

3) اللَّهُمَّ لَا سَهْلَ إِلَّا مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلًا، وَأَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلًا

O Allah, there is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make difficulty, if You wish, easy.

4) يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

O Ever-Living, O Self-sustaining, and All-sustaining, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye.

5) Bismillah 5

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمَانِ الرَّحِيْم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

بِسْمِ اللهِ الشَّافِي

In the name of Allah, the Healer

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْكَافِي

In the name of Allah, the Sufficient

بِسْمِ اللهِ الْمُعَافِي

In the name of Allah, the One who grants well-being

بِسْمِ اللهِ الَّذِي لَا يَضُرُّ مَعَ اسْمِهِ شَيْءٌ فِي الْأرْضِ وَلَا فِي السَّمَاءِ وَهُوَ السَّمِيْعُ الْعَلِيْم

In the name of Allah, with whose name nothing in the earth nor in the heavens can cause harm, and He is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing.

6) Doa Nabi Sulaiman

إِنَّهُ مِن سُلَيْمَانَ وَإِنَّهُ بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ

It is from Solomon, and it reads: ‘In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.’ (Surah An-Naml: 30)

Doa Nabi Sulaiman is what I call magic doa. If you have difficulty dealing with people -- either your boss, clients, peers, colleagues, read this! And set the right intentions for Him to ease your affairs.

I read these with firm belief that Allah will take care of everything -- my life, my job, my safety, and my sustenance. It feels odd to miss this routine, and when I do, I can tell: the day feels heavier and harder to get through.

Lastly, in the final sujud of my prayers, I make this doa: 

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

My Lord, truly I am in need of whatever good You send down to me. (Surah Al-Qasas: 24)

This doa is very popular for finding jodoh, but I've practice this since I was probably 19, no jodoh in sight just yet, but this doa opened so many different doors for me instead! 

Hope this benefit some of you, and please pray for my health while I am here ;)

#TGIF: Recent thoughts

I am about to give you access into my mind, the thoughts I have as of late without giving any context on what it might be about.

• There are truly only a handful of people you can trust with your secrets
• Some things really not worth investing time and energy for
• Just say yes to that invitation
• God’s timing is always right even if you can't see it right now
• Having new circle of friends is not a form of betrayal
• This too shall pass
• If you can’t change it, let go of it
• It’s not you, it’s them but sometimes it’s not them, it’s actually you
• I am very chalant
• I wish I am heartless but I am not
• Good manners and attitude will take you anywhere
• Having a growth mindset makes things 50% easier
• Self love is deeper than manicures and facials
• Some crowd will never be your kind of crowd and that’s okay
• The best outfit you can wear is confidence
• I will figure it out. I always do
• I hope Papa will live a long life to be my wali
• Yes, I am skinny unwillingly - tell me how to gain healthy weight
• Why do I need to think too deep about everything?! 
• Feeling both in control and out of control at the same time
• Conrad. Freaking. Fisher
• What do you do when you feel so frustrated, you don't wanna do it but also so guilty, that you have to do it?
• Hope is a heartache
• Would be nice to still have my nenek around

#TGIF: The mysteries of life

I thought I hit my peak at 18 for reasons so trivial and unimportant, now that I think about it. I have always excelled my papers, I figured the path I wanted to pursue, so I thought I had my life planned out. Silly how I thought I was so set and knew the trajectory of my life that young. But suddenly life threw a curveball, I had to restart, refigure life all over again. 

Then, I thought people in general peak at 25. Aren’t we supposed to graduate and choose the career path we want to go in, find the love of our lives and start a family? I waited for my time to come, and the clock continued ticking, only to soon realize my life does not fit that timeline. What am I supposed to do now? Have I figured everything wrong? Nothing was going right, at least not like how I wanted it to be.

For a few years my spirit, deep down dampen. I was anxious, and scared that I will spend my life just settling. For a degree I did not account for, job I didn't plan for, a life path so far off my plans. I did not see how I could grow out of the life I thought was a ‘failure’. It was hard. With everyone reminding me who I was ‘supposed to be’. 

It was not until I realized I am more than the person I boxed myself into. I have potential for anything and everything. Only if I allow myself to explore, to learn and to try. I failed once, and my life did not end there. What’s worst could happen? Something not working out is not a failure, it’s growth. It’s prove that you have tried and you have lived.

It's the mysteries of live that makes life exciting. Same goes to human connections. You know how people say you have not met everyone that you’ll love. How true is that? Never in my life I thought I could find a deep friendship connection with other people outside of my 6 main girl friends, but I did nonetheless. They all serve different purposes in my life. At times I found myself mapping out the people in my life — what lessons and purpose does this person bring to my life? It’s important for me to ensure I don’t get too carried away or overly obsessing over a connection, or expecting more out of it. Even if it’s platonic. Especially if it’s platonic.

The mysteries of life is the best part of living, that my life and yours are still unfolding, unraveling day by day. Don’t give up in finding your purpose. It may be so far off your plans, or your dreams. But you need to have a deep realization that you are exactly where you need to be. Nowhere else. Here, reading this entry too. Your life if not stagnant, it has not peaked like you thought you may have past it. Only so if you see it that way, if you have settled and given up trying. As long as you keep pushing through the boundaries, challenging yourself, your life will have so much to offer you in return.

p/s: Happy salt air and the rust on your door to those celebrating!

#TGIF: The art of noticing and being

My daily routine includes waiting for bus to the train station with my coffee cup.

Little things that matter to me includes;

• Slow mornings
• Bus arriving on time
• Free snacks from kind souls
• Take out dinners
• Sudden inspiration to write
• Homecooked meals
• Alone time while commuting to work
• Waking up early on my own
• Flexible working hour
• The smell of rain
• A good night's sleep
• Someone sending me home after a night out
• Strangers returning smile
• First sip of coffee in the morning
• Getting home before it's dark outside
• Getting a seat in the train
• Someone listening intently to me
• Regulated nervous system
• Actually having appetite to eat
• Meaningful conversations
• Belly laughs (mine or others')

p/s: a simple post this week, heavier topic next week!

#TGIF: About nostalgia and past life

There was a time in my life when I thought we had found our forever home. A place where we could settle down, where us four sisters could grow up, and one day bring our children back to that home -- a place they could call their “kampung.” For the sake of this story, I’ll call this neighbourhood Moongate.

We moved into Moongate when I was seven. Before that, we were always KL people. It was a new neighbourhood for us, and Kajang in general was unfamiliar. But Moongate became home for most of my childhood. I grew up there and made so many momentous, lasting memories playing with the neighbourhood kids.

At the time, Kajang was still developing. An outskirt town that felt far and removed from the KL I knew. But the neighbours made us feel welcomed from the very first day. I remember even before we officially moved in, we’d spend our weekends cleaning the house or supervising renovations. We would see the kids playing in the streets. They’d watch us curiously as we were the 'outsiders'. Their mothers would come introduce themselves to my parents, and they were all so warm, friendly, and welcoming right from the start.

The memories I have from those ten years in Moongate will never leave me. School holidays were the best. We spent every weeknight and weekend outside playing. We made up our own version of Explorace, biked to neighbouring taman, and even camped (real tents and all) in my next-door neighbour’s one-car garage. I learned to play badminton, galah panjang, baling selipar, and so many other games. We were all trained to be active because most games were physical. There were more than twenty of us, all different ages but incredibly close. I loved those days.

Eventually, we had to move out of Moongate. I was seventeen, and to my own surprise, I wasn’t sad to leave. During those ten years, many things happened within the family, and I had grown to hate the house. I was ready to move on and start fresh elsewhere. We had all grown up, many of us had drifted apart, and it didn’t feel like there was anything left to miss. Since then, we’ve moved three times, even left Kajang for a while before eventually coming back. This town will always feel like home, even if the houses have changed.

Two weeks ago, we attended a wedding in Moongate. A neighbourhood kid I used to see all the time, now married. When was the last time you went to a wedding held in a neighbourhood? It’s such a lost tradition, but in Moongate, it’s still alive. I was left in awe of how everyone came together to make the celebration happen. They’re not related by blood, yet they are family. These are people who have watched each other’s kids grow up, graduate, move out, and get married.

It made me realise: this is what it means to be neighbours. This is what my family and I lost when we moved out. The people of Moongate are still as warm and welcoming as ever -- but I don’t share the same deep bond, the kind of found-family connection that they’ve built together over the years. I looked over to the house we spent many years in while I was there, the memories immediately played out before my eyes. It was nostalgic, to be back there. To be reminded of how I loved the people, the memories, and how much time has passed since.

#TGIF: You can do anything

You never know the kind of pain you're able to overcome
You never know the kind pressure you're able to face
You never know the kind of kindness you deserve to receive
You never know the kind of love you're able to experience
You never know how high you can climb
You never know how far you can run
You never know how fast you can race
You never know how much you can grow
It's hard to see the other end when you don't have the right faith
In yourself. In your circumstance.

It's easy to give up and accept "fate"
From the spot you thought is final, prophesied, fated for you
Until you experience the other extreme, you will realise

You can overcome anything
You can handle so much pressure and not break
You are deserving of so much love and kindness
You can get to the summit
You can win the race
You are able to outgrow this box you are in

Only if you believe in yourself enough to start making that leap of faith

You can
If anyone else have done it, achieve it, concur it
What makes you think you can't?

- AZ

#TGIF: I am rooting for you, always

What makes you stand out isn't your success or the accolades you receive.

It's your empathy, your willingness to listen, and genuine care for others.

It's the light you bring into every room and the comfort you provide in times of need.

Disclaimer, this entry is going to be messy and everywhere and possibly, non cohesive so please bare with me. 

Last week I wrote about how lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed professionally. How work has been tough, and demanding and I’m struggling to make sense of everything. At times I feel I’m on autopilot, just cruising through day to day, figuring things one step at a time. 

And because I feel overwhelmed, I sense my team feels the same. At least some degree of it. So, I took time this week to speak to them separately. To hear what they have to say, and at the same time, to share my own struggles. As steady and as calm they see me, I am internally struggling too. I believe it’s alright to be vulnerable even in front of people you’re supposed to act cool. It shows that you are human after all. 

Through listening, I felt appreciated. Through understanding, I felt validated. Through problem solving, I was injected with a new sense of purpose. I was reminded again on why I am here, why I do what I do and it makes all the struggles, the overwhelming feeling and headache so so worth it. Our relationship is symbiotic. They need me just as much as I need them. 

After the call I was washed with contentment and immense gratitude as I realise — this is a part of growth I wanted. This is the kind of influence I hoped to have on my life in general, but specifically in my career. I wanted to be able to look back and know that I have left a mark, imprints of my contributions visible in the people I’ve worked with. Hoping they will carry that in their next chapter too. The knowledge that I am an added value and a positive influence to someone’s career, or better yet — someone’s life. 

2 years ago, I couldn’t even imagine myself being in this position. Leading, mentoring, steering the ship. It happened so effortlessly I didn’t even notice until I stop and look back at how much things changed. Grateful and gratitude couldn’t even begin to describe what exactly I’m feeling. It’s so many emotions. I have hopes so big for each of them. Their success will feel like my own and I foresee that I will cheer for them for many, many years to come. 

p/s: I know I use em dash (—) in my entry, I promise you, it’s my writing, no ChatGPT here. Need to make this clear, lol.

#TGIF I am beaten: reflecting on life lately

credit @disruptiveberlin

I am going to be that girl now, I want to complain. I want to vent and I want to tell everybody that I am tired. These past few weeks has been so tough at work, and my health was not cooperating too. In fact, I think my body was reacting to the pressure. I was sick for three whole weeks, I was absent from the office more days in the last 3 weeks than I've done all year. It was tough to be fully present when work was at the same time, demanding. 

It got to a point where even my empathy can't catch up with me, it was out the window. I wasn't mean necessarily, but it did feel like I was passing my stress down. The 'if I'm pressured, you have to feel the same' kind of thing. Now I understand how pressure can cascade down, to the people you're working with. Which is not fair, when it's my own emotions I can't manage. I felt guilty, but I also can't help it.

The thing is, I do understand that this difficult is needed. The reality of striving for the life you wanted is having to accept what comes with it. You just don’t realize how much you need to sacrifice. It's going to be uncomfortable and overwhelming and stressful. Having to trade free time, comfort, peace of mind, for a more chaotic, stressful and demanding life. But in the end, it’s still something you really want, in hopes it will all be worth it. 

But then again, how dare I feel this way? Complaining when this is a privilege -- to feel tired from the job I love, to be overwhelmed by workload and responsibilities that I prayed for. It's a constant war in my mind between feeling grateful but still could not help to whine. I have to remember that this is temporary, it will be insignificant in three months. I won't remember any of this and I will be glad I pushed through. A girl can't help but to complain a little.

#TGIF Books that left a mark

I am not going to sit here and act like I've read many books or that I am such an avid reader. I am not. I am in fact, a slow reader, I take my time when it comes to reading. I at most read 3 books a month, but usually only one. That means, I have not read that many books to be qualified to pick 5 best books to recommend to you. So I will preface this, you can take my recommendations, or you don't. No hard feelings.

The books I'm going to list down are the books that 1) I wish I can read again and feel the same impact it gave me. 2) Impacted me in different ways, either hits way too close to home or guided me through specific time of my life. Books should be able to speak to you, describes feelings you can't find words to. These books did that for me. Naturally, these are my 5-star rated books.

1) Khaled Hosseini - The Kite Runner

Is it even a valid list if there are no Khaled Hosseini in the list? It can't be. I have read all of his books, including the short poem and I can confidently say, The Kite Runner is my favourite of his. Like on top, for real. It touches on friendship, betrayal and loyalty so deep and so pure that you can physically feel the pain the characters feel. 

Not only that, the writing is just so complete. I don't know how else do I describe it, but I can tell you one thing -- every scene in this book is intentional. You will find the relation and the purpose of why that scene was written. Every single word, adds up to the plot. It's such a perfect book. A classic. Will always recommend it.

One thing I truly love about KH's books are the scenery he paints. I have never been to Afghanistan, and probably never will but I feel connected to Kabul, the capital, through his books. It's true that people say reading can take you places you've never been to. And I believe Afghan was such a beautiful place before the war and political turmoil. It probably still is a magical place, for all I know.

2) Khaled Hosseini - A Thousand Splendid Suns

Have you seen the rave for this book? As a woman, I would absolutely urge women to read this book. But beyond that, men please read this book too. You will understand unspoken struggles women go through, of course in Afghanistan will be different circumstances, but generally, it gives you the idea of how women are often seen, or expected to be and behave. 

KH write this book like he actually live as a woman, which blows my mind how articulate and spot on he is with the reality of being a woman. Even in this day and age where it should be 'modern' per say, there are still underlying expectations and discrimination women face.

Another thing I really admire about KH's writing and it's super consistent across all his books is how he able to write a story that goes on for years. All three of his novels follows the characters from childhood to old age and you still able to stay engaged and interested. He gets you so freaking invested with the characters. 

3) Coco Mellors - Blue Sisters

I have previously talked about this book in another entry. What else do I say? I have not changed my mind on this book, and I get sad when other people did not find this book as good as I did. But somehow I do understand because not everyone can relate to the life of having sisters. 

This book is deeply relatable to me, and it is because I live with sisters. 4 sisters, just like the book. I understand the grief, the dynamic of having sisters and how you can be so different from each other but so damn connected at the same time. There is no connection in this world is as strong and solid as sisters relationship. You can ignore it all you want, but it's always going to be there.

I saw a tiktok about the person saying, your relationship with your siblings is even stronger than of you & your parents. This is because, you are only half of each your parent, but you are 100% your siblings. I was left in awe at that discovery, it's so obvious, but I have never see it that way. It's so true though. My sisters are everything to me.

4) Allison Trowbridge - Twenty Two: Letters to a Young Woman Searching for Meaning

I read this when I was 25 going 26, I think but the contents of this book hits too close to home. I was feeling a little bit lost and behind during that year of my life. Reading this book feels like a big sister talking to me that it's okay not having it all figured out yet. 

We all are so used to chasing and running towards specific end goal, we berate ourselves when we didn't get there fast enough, or within the timeline that we planned. Truth is, we are exactly where we needed to be. You are meant to be here, you are meant to 'be late' and 'behind'. If we remove our hold on where we're supposed to be but just enjoy the journey of becoming, we would find a lot more meaning in everything that we do -- every bumps, dead ends and redirections will make sense. 

5) Dolly Alderton - Everything I know about Love

First of all, I wish I could be Dolly's pet sister. I am not even kidding. Having her as a sister would be so fun, and insightful. Reading her books also feels like talking to a big sister. She's funny, wise and relatable as hell.

This book talks about her experience of finding love in her 20s and along the way realizing that everything she needs to know about love, she actually is learning them from her relationships with her female friends. It highlights how having female friends enrich her lives in so many ways, so uplifting and fulfilling. I had to stop a few times while reading this books because it's so relatable to me. I am not in any romantic relationships and yes, I am open to it but at the same time I have this lifelong female friendship that has been my source of contentment for years now. Without me realizing it, they give me everything I needed, they taught me all I needed to know, they raised the bar for me, they set a standard so high that is pretty impossible for any men to match. Sorry, not sorry.

This book shed a new light, it expresses perfectly of how I feel about my female friendship, make me recognize the things I have not recognized before and make me appreciate my girlfriends in more ways than I already have.

#TGIF The family I chose

I'm going to be honest with you: I’ve been putting off writing this for a few weeks now. I kept finding other topics to write about instead. Not because this one isn’t important, it's quite the opposite. It’s so important to me that I wanted to write it right. But no matter how much thought I put into it, I don’t think anything I write can truly encapsulate how I feel about my female friends.

If you follow me on my other platforms, you probably already know that I talk about my girlfriends all the time. Some might even say I overshare. But for a long time, it didn’t occur to me that what I have with them is rare. That not everyone gets to experience a friendship like this -- a support system, a constant, a chosen family. And some days, I catch myself marveling at the rarity of it. Because let’s be honest: it’s not easy to find even one friend you can click with, let alone a group you grow with, evolve with, and still hold onto after all these years.

I’m not going to sugarcoat things and pretend we haven’t had our rough patches. We’ve disagreed, drifted apart, even stopped talking for months at one point. Especially during the transition from adolescence to adulthood, when we started to take different paths -- different universities, different friends, new environments. For a while, it felt like we were speaking different languages. But even then, we always found our way back to each other. We always chose to come home to this friendship. At least that's how I felt.

I  think often about how different I would be if I didn’t have them. Especially in those fragile years where you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you believe, and where you’re headed. They’ve been there through all of it. We’ve witnessed each other’s growing pains, celebrated so many firsts together, and shared milestones that have shaped us. I've seen the girls get married, found the love of their lives, get promoted, moved to new places and recently, gave birth. And the most exciting part is? There’s still so much more ahead of us.

As I grow older, I have that fear at the back of my mind that we would outgrow each other somehow. But then I look at us, the foundation we've built, the effort we've put into this friendship (now more than ever) to constantly show up and be in each other's lives and the times we could have drifted and we didn't, it restored my faith. 

This friendship has been the grounding force in my life. It’s influenced how I think, what I value, and how I see the world. It’s fueled me, challenged me, humbled me, and healed me. Even in the moments when I didn’t realize I needed saving, they were there. Not as people who complete me, but as people who reflect the very best of who I am.

Beyond this circle, I’ve been lucky enough to find sisterhood in other phases of life too. Through university, work, and unexpected places in between. Some of those connections have faded, as things naturally do, but they’ve each taught me something. Still, this core group -- the girls who have seen me at my best and worst -- are the ones I keep closest to my heart.

So here it is, written in the only language I know how, a love letter to the women who have shaped me, held me, grown with me. At this point I hope they all know how much this sisterhood means to me. I have written letter after letter addressed to each of them, and now for all of you to know this too.

Thank you for the love, the joy, the life shared. I hope we never stop choosing each other.

#TGIF Un-tabooing therapy

This will be yet another vulnerable entry. A topic I've never discussed previously, because it was a strange topic for me too. I have never related to mental issues, however, I was tested with a degree of it sometime around last year.

Last year, I found myself in a dark head space. I was not happy, nothing excites me anymore. I was just cruising through life. I wasn't feeling the contentment I usually feel. I just feel.. lost. I had some personal stuff going on in my life during that time, so I guess that contributed even more to the feeling of emptiness. I got annoyed, mad and irritated so easily, by the smallest things that otherwise, wouldn't even bother me.

I have never thought about seeking therapy, but in that moment, I did not recognize myself, and I knew I had to seek help. I contemplated so much about where can I go and which facility I can seek help from. To be clear, I didn't have any dark thoughts about doing dangerous things, it did not get to me until that point yet. But it was the constant heaviness in my heart.

I had rounds and rounds of debrief with my sisters, which helped, but it was not enough. I even told them I had been thinking about seeking therapy and the too, supported it. I began to understand how important therapy is. Even if you think you're not doing too bad, you should still consider it. You should still be open to it. We all have past traumas that we carry for so long, that until one point, it gets too heavy to bear. There should be no shame, in fact, it should be applaud because that is the proof that you are putting yourself as priority. You are trying to get better, for yourself and for the people around you.

While contemplating therapy, I did what I do best, I write. I write for days on end. Everyday. In my journal, my journal app on my phone, on WhatsApp and sent it to myself. I was on a roll. I couldn't stop, it became addictive because writing have me clarity. I was writing letters to people who I had so many unsaid things, I was mad at, frustrated at and before I knew it, I was unraveling and healing my past trauma all at once. It was refreshing to say the least. The letters will never see the light of day, I may even burn it one day. But it gave me the relief, to finally pour the things you wished you said, that you have keep so deep in your heart. I found myself crying while writing the letter. Like, full on bawling. I surprised myself, if I'm being truly honest. 

I may not end up going to therapy, but it was the realization that I needed one was what moved the other parts. It's the self-awareness that I'm not doing okay, the openness to seek help, considering and finding available resources. I'm grateful that I didn't spiral, and I hope I wasn't accidentally be mean to anybody while I was going through it. But I knew in my head I had all sorts of unkind thoughts. 

I want to urge you to look inwards, ask yourself, which part of my life that made me who I am today? We all have memories we wish we could erase, and if you truly know yourself, you can identify all of you; your personality, the way you think, the way you make decisions, the way you love, your relationship with money, your values and literally everything else, are correlated to how you were raised, the experiences you've gone through. Once you've identified them, it's easier to undo the bad and amplify the good parts of yourself. Through this experience, I get to know myself too. What started as a negative experience, became the biggest breakthrough. 

If you find yourself needing help, here's some of the mental health services I've considered (shoutout to my friend Amira for suggesting them!). Apart from these, there are so many more you can consider depending on your budget.

• Cara Cara
• Minda Kami

I do hope you heal from all the things you've shared, or the ones you carry alone so you can come out on the other side cleaner and happier 💛

#TGIF Dating in this day and age

The older you get, the harder it is to find the one. I'm writing this more as a personal reflection, from my own experiences, and how I feel trying to find a true connection, that aligns with my values especially in this day and age. This post is not intended to critique anybody nor do I mean to offend anyone. This might be able to justify why I choose to stay single all these years.

I will go back a little bit to when I was 18, I was fresh out of a relationship that mattered a lot to me. People always tell me how I did not act my age. I felt it too. Even at 18, I knew in my head, relationship is not a game I want to play. I didn't necessarily crave relationships, I wasn't into dating, and going out on dates makes me sick. Talking on the phone? I never liked it. Until now, I prefer texting over calling. What I'm trying to say is, I've always take love seriously.

When I came out of that relationship, I made a vow to myself that my next relationship will be the one I marry and I was dead serious about it. I pursued my studies, acknowledged that all my focus, time and attention should directed there. Did I have crushes? Of course I had some, I think it was key to feel motivated every day. My crushes were always the smart guys, those that are motivated too. The ones who asked questions, and came top of the class. It's important to me to find someone that motivates me to be better. To grow, improve, and challenge myself. But I never made any move, it wasn't my intention. I was young anyway, I had plenty of time ahead of me before I should even start thinking about relationships.

Fast forward, I was 22. When I started working, I thought to myself, maybe I can try open up now. Get to know people and maybe, just maybe, I will find the one. But of course, when you try to plan it, mastermind it, it will never work out. I found myself feeling insecure too, in my early 20s. I often feel I am lacking, like I have nothing to offer. What can I bring to the table? I was super self-conscious. It didn't matter anyway, because I was not able to find anyone that I was really truly attracted to that aligned with my values.

In between 22- 25 years old, I was hopeful. What I never thought about how much harder it will get as you grow older because your bar will just get higher and higher. I have seen failed relationships, heard about many, and learned from them all. Now, my own criteria and how I view relationships now had changed completely. My expectations shifted, the bar is now higher. I can't tell you how many times I tried to open up to new connections but keep getting disappointed with how on the surface conversations always are with men. At 28, I am no longer rushing into it, if it happens, it happens and if it's not, I am whole on my own.

  

I wrote previously about how turning 27 changed me as a person, it also changed how I look at relationships. Naturally, I have added more criteria into my 'checklist' when it comes to finding significant other. But, I too, had an awakening within myself. Instead of searching for perfection in other people, I started looking inwards. I thought, if I want to have someone with certain values and qualities, I need to first have them in me. Perfecting yourself, will attract the right person. I look at family institution in a different light now. I can better understand that getting married and building a family is not something anyone should take lightly and the preparation to go into one is extensive and both parties need to take part. Healing your inner child and past trauma is important, as well as seeking knowledge on your rights as a wife/husband and your role in the familial institution. Many skipped this part and jumped head first into marriage, later realising their traumas present itself in the marriage.

Now, instead of feeling excited to find love, I feel the weight of the responsibility that awaits. I no longer want it in the same way I used to. I don't want to settle just because I think my time is ticking, or I feel FOMO because everyone around me gets married, or I am scared of being alone. I want it because I find beauty in building a family when you (both)  have your intentions straight. I don't find them scary, even with the negative stories we keep hearing. I did not know where all this realisation came from, but I knew Allah makes me wait for a reason. Maybe the one I’m meant to meet is just running a little late. Or maybe, I’m still becoming the version of me he’ll meet. But even if it's written that there's none for me in this world, I would be okay with that too, because He knows best.

#TGIF Untiltled

On the table I lay everything

so you know the price going in

so you won't be expecting the wrong thing

and if I can tell you one thing

it's in your arms I want to die in

And if you find yourself

unable to love me

then don't you worry

I have enough love 

for the two of us to survive with

If somber is what you want for me

then you have no idea

I have walked this earth

with open wounds 

your disregard isn't enough

to break the broken

In my mind I've thrown rocks at you

I've cursed to your face

but you're the reason I grow wings anew

so instead, I flash my sweetest smile

send my best regards

This constant war in my head

I will never tell you

unable to decide if I 

should be grateful for you

or hate your gut

- AZ

#TGIF My biggest fears

What are your biggest fears?

Hmm, definitely rodents, and heights. I get lightheaded if I'm up on higher levels of a building. I went up level 31 one time, and I can't bring myself to go near the floor-to-ceiling windows. I stomach coils and my head spins. I didn't think I am *that* gayat, but I guess I am. Then maybe also being trapped in an elevator. The thought of it scares me. 

And every time I take a flight I get nervous, I am scared of the plane crashing even though the statistics show that getting involved in a car crash is much more likely than being involve in a plane crash. But what if this time, it happens to me? 

I can swim, but I am still scared of drowning. Maybe because I got drown once and that felt like dying. Open sea? Sorry, I'm out. You know how long it took my friends to convince me to go to Pulau Trip with them for snorkeling? Yeah, that took a awhile. 

Then again...nothing is more scary than losing loved ones, right? Is there anything scarier than that? Unimaginable, unfathomable. Life after that would be like walking on earth with a gaping hole in your chest, in your heart.

But if you ask me on a deeper level, my biggest fear is living a life without knowing my purpose. Ignoring my potentials because I was too scared to try, too shy or embarrassed for nothing. Most people don't understand that you have so much control over your life and you could be the one stopping yourself. There was a podcast I heard where the podcaster said 'even God is rooting for you' and that changed how I look at living life at full potential. You're meant for bigger, grandeur things, so don't settle. Just take the leap, you will most probably land somewhere better.

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I'd love more ideas/questions and feedback is very much encouraged too! Drop yours here.

#TGIF My mother's love

My Mama and I

I know it’s cliche to say my mum is the person I look up to. How unoriginal. There’s no other way I could describe what she is to me because in every sense of the word, she is. As true as it can get.

I grow up remembering my mom as a workaholic woman who actually enjoys her job truly. She was a corporate lady up until her 50s, and an amazing one, too. She goes to work, honoring her 9-5 obligations and comes back to be a homemaker. She cooks everyday—which to this day I can’t fathom how she’s able to do it so effortlessly—, and as involved as she could be at all of our —my sisters and I—school events. She came to every parent-teacher meeting, taking time off work. It didn't matter if we excel or we didn't, she made sure to show up anyways. 

There was a time when I felt like I was a disappointment, but she not once made me feel like one. She sacrificed a big chunk of money to register me into a private University to pursue Medicine. It was a payment to an agent who managed my entrance exam and interview. I thought about her effort to give me this opportunity, because she believed in me. In the end I passed the exam, but failed the interview. It was about RM3,000 gone, wasted. It felt even worse because I knew, we were not financially privileged. She consoled me, like I was the one losing money, and supported me through any decisions I made after saying goodbye to med school for good.

Mama in her element, conducting training

Mama is the most confident, elegant, polished woman I know. She did not just teach us how to be confident, she showed us how it's done. She showed me how to dress well, appropriate to the occasion. How to speak well, with anyone, does not matter who, and to always carry kindness and empathy in us. Her advise to this day 'Bukan kena cantik rupa je, kena cantik perangai, cantik akal, cantik adab, cantik semuanya'. It's a reminder that life is not just for vanity's sake, there are other things that should take greater importance. The words I live by to the core of it, all my life.

Mama in her community, always ready to serve

Mama is also the most likeable person I know. My sisters and I were always in awe by this fact, she has community everywhere she goes. We moved houses couple of times, and she fits right in the community in no time at all. She build connections so easily and the people did not just welcome her, they always love having her around. Introducing Mama to friends often led to compliments of how warm and kind she is. All of our friends love her too. She made sure to know each of our friends, she remember names, listen to our stories so she knows who is who. She made everyone feels remembered, and seen.

Every part of my being, there are footprints of hers. My mom has always emphasized the importance of knowledge, and English is something she wants all her daughters to master since we were a child. She was the one who taught us how to converse in English, and kept reminding us the only way to be proficient, is to practice it daily. She speaks with us at home in bahasa rojak. She corrects our pronunciations and mistakes, even now. School teacher was not our first source of English education—she was. Well, her and Destiny’s Child music and Disney movies, of course.

She's a learner, through and through. She reminded us time and time again, whatever we want to do, do it with knowledge. 'Jangan main bulldoze je', is what she would say. I thank her for her earnestness to learn, because seeing her makes me love learning too. She started finding her way closer to Allah in her 40's, and since, my admiration towards her goes up a whole new level. Losing her mother—my grandmother—shifted something in her. She knows deen is something personal and everyone has their own journey, so she has never, not once push us to do something we are not yet ready to do. Now that I think about it, she spreads da'wah to us in the gentlest way.

Mama in her other element, teaching Quran

Now, in her late 50s, she proved her consistency and enormous dedication pays off. She befriended Quran in the most beautiful way and some days, she only spends time with Quran. She's my personal ustazah, teaching us sisters, her own sisters, strangers and friends alike the Quran. She teaches us tajwid and the right makhraj, she is my point of reference if I need any doa, she always have something to share. Sometimes I look at her and I thought, how is she this amazing? And how am I this lucky to be able to call her my mother? I worry I could never make her proud the way she has made me. She loves loudly, confidently, unwaveringly. Steady and sure, leaving marks of her love in every parts of my life. She embodies everything I want to be and the perfect role model I am grateful to have. In every facets of my life, she is the best person for me to look up to. As an employee, as a friend, as an individual, but most importantly as a Muslim with purpose.

Writer's note: I time this post specially for Mother's Day, which falls this Sunday. Happy Mother's Day to mothers out there, none of us will be here without you. May we, the children always remember to look back while we're walking this earth leaving our own marks in this world, to see our mother's footsteps are right behind us all along, ready to catch us when we fall. 

To my Mama, everything that I am and everything I will be, I owe it to you for shaping and loving me so beautifully. May Allah grant your life barakah, contentment, and a throne in the highest Jannah.